My DD will not go to sleep if my bedroom door is closed!

amother

Sun, Sep 22 2013, 10:00 pm

Help! My 9 year old DD is giving us a real hard time with going to sleep. We shut out bedroom door for privacy, but generally keep it open throughout the night. She asks numerous times if we're going to shut the door when we go to sleep. Lately she will literally stay up until after we've gone in to make sure it has stayed open. She says she's scared when the door is closed. This has become totally crazy with us tiptoeing to close the door without her noticing. Anyone with ideas how to deal with this??? Thanks

FranticFrummie

Mon, Sep 23 2013, 1:39 am

Have you asked her what she's afraid of? What is going through her mind? Is it something about you and DH, or is she afraid of a fire or burglars? Does she show anxiety in other areas of her life?

My 10yo DD still sleeps in our room. I'm actually moving DH across the hall into her (unused) bedroom, and keeping DD in with me. I'll wait until she's asleep and go across the hall for privacy, and then back to "the girl's room" to sleep. This way, DH can have some privacy without her around, doesn't need to kick her out when he wants to change clothes, and can have an office of his own where he can work at all hours of the night.

I know it sounds odd, but I think it's going to work out well for us. My grandparents always had separate bedrooms, and my sister and her DH have separate bedrooms as well. Each time was because of a child who had extreme anxiety and separation issues, and it worked out for everyone.

amother

Mon, Sep 23 2013, 1:45 am

We have seperation issues here as well. I lie beside dd till she falls asleep and then go to my room and lock the door for the night. She always requests us not to lock the door but I do after she sleeps. Later she will wake up at 3 am and knock on the door and I go to her room to lie beside her.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Sep 23 2013, 1:53 am

amother wrote:

There is nothing worse than having a child rattling your doorknob and sobbing hysterically because they can't get in to see their mama. Sad

BTDT. DD is a SUPER light sleeper, and wakes up several times during the night. Bad dreams, a stray thought, a branch scraping across the window, a squirrel rattling around in the tree, you name it, she's traumatized by it!

amother

Mon, Sep 23 2013, 4:18 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

amother wrote:

There is nothing worse than having a child rattling your doorknob and sobbing hysterically because they can't get in to see their mama. Sad

Sorry, but I need my privacy too. I have two kids who wake me up at night, and one of them is almost 13! I am not going to leave my door unlocked. Even if I teach my kids to knock before entering, a kid can forget after a nightmare at 3 am. We are not going tosleep fully dressed every nite in case a kid comes in.
I'm not a heavy sleeper anyway. I hear them knocking, get decent and open the door.

Heyaaa

Mon, Sep 23 2013, 4:29 am

I'm still afraid of the dark. For years I couldn't go I sleep unless one of my sisters were sleeping in my bed. I don't know why my mom never sent me for therapy to find out why I was so paranoid and I've tried therapists on my own but none have helped.

My advice? Maybe buy one of the baby video intercoms and tell her you'll keep it on all night and constantly check the screen. And send her to proper therapy. I'm due to have my first god willing any day and I've been having anxiety the past few months that if Im nervous going to the bathroom myself at night how am I going to be able to put my baby to sleep in a separate room?

Barbara

Mon, Sep 23 2013, 9:59 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

I strongly suspect that by time she's 13, she's not going to want to be in your bedroom, and is going to want a private space of her own.

With DS, it was "remember the Rule." The Rule was that at least one parent had to be awake and somewhere other than the bedroom until he was asleep. He preferred that I lay down with him for a while as well.

Which is just to say that OP's DD is not all that unusual. I'd make sure that her bedtime is such that you will be up and about in any case, so your door will be open. Then slowly accustom her to the fact that mommy and daddy sleep best when the door is closed and the room is dark, but that you will always answer quickly if she comes to the door.

Good luck.

ora_43

Mon, Sep 23 2013, 10:07 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

amother wrote:

There is nothing worse than having a child rattling your doorknob and sobbing hysterically because they can't get in to see their mama. Sad

BTDT.

I dunno, an already majorly upset child walking in on his/her parents getting it on wouldn't exactly be fun, either.

Heyaaa wrote:

There might not be a "why." Have you tried therapy that's aimed at just changing your thought patterns and/or physical response? As in, not talking about "so what is it you're afraid of," just focusing on "OK, so you're scared - now work on getting your blood pressure back down and calming your thoughts"? If not, I highly recommend giving that a try before giving up.

marina

Mon, Sep 23 2013, 11:31 am

Maybe gradually get her used to it. Shut the door during the day and role play her knocking and you opening the door. After a few times, increase the waiting time a bit and tell her you are getting dressed. Then practice with her right before going to sleep, etc. After she's comfortable with all that, try closing the door at night for a bit, and warn her. If she knows that you will open it, say after 30 minutes, and that this will happen each and every time, she might eventually be okay with it.

Shana_H

Mon, Sep 23 2013, 1:02 pm

Most children, heck most adults, are afraid of what they can't see, that's why the dark is so scary, I have night lights in all bedrooms, hallways, bathrooms and I leave the little light on above the stove too, just incase someone needs a midnight snack, my bedroom door is closed for dressing and locked for lovemaking, (the kids know that they may not knock at this time unless the house is on fire or some one needs medical attention, lol,) otherwise I keep it open about six inches, but knocking is still a requirement.

Ruchel

Mon, Sep 23 2013, 1:06 pm

Nightlights are great. A child can also control whether his door is closed or not. But I personally wouldn't want them controlling MY door. Age also matters, emotional issues...

If a child doesn't knock, I think the parents NEED alock unless the setting of the apt is such that they hear the child coming from far.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Sep 23 2013, 1:12 pm

Barbara, DD knows that she can have her own room any time she asks. Right now she's saying "never!", but I told her that she may feel that way right now, and that's OK, but she's free to change her mind and it will be OK.

Ora_43, We've been through therapy, and we're still working on it. I've already seen major improvements. Between her anxiety, her impulse control issues, and other developmental delays, I have to remind myself that she's basically a 6 year old in a 10 year old body, so in many ways she's still a baby. It's a tough balance, because during the day she acts confident and close to her age, but as soon as it gets dark it's like she reverts and becomes very insecure. She has never been a good sleeper, from day one. It was one of our first clues that she may not be neurotypical.

Heyaaa

Mon, Sep 23 2013, 1:30 pm

ora_43 wrote:

FranticFrummie wrote:

amother wrote:

There is nothing worse than having a child rattling your doorknob and sobbing hysterically because they can't get in to see their mama. Sad

BTDT.

I dunno, an already majorly upset child walking in on his/her parents getting it on wouldn't exactly be fun, either.

Heyaaa wrote:

I have tried a few cbt therapists. I'm still working on it