step children and negiah?

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 9:12 am

Does anyone know of a rav who does allow a step parent to be able to touch a step child of the opposite gender?
I have a friend getting married to a man with children and the children need mothering, especially one of the littlest boys.

Would anyone know of any such rav around?

morah

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 9:17 am

How old are the kids? I can't name you specific rabbeim but I can tell you that I am allowed to touch my step father because he married my mom when I was pretty young. While not everyone agrees, I know this is a fairly mainstream psak. It has to do with the ages of the kids.

amother

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 9:21 am

I am a step mother to a lot of children and negiah is completely assur to a boy over 9. (Unless the child is very ill or injured) There are a lot of warm motherly gestured that can be done without touching. Hashem knows what the children need ----it's His torah and we should follow it and He will help. Good luck to your friend!

watergirl

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 9:33 am

My husband was told he can touch my daughter. We go married when she was 3. The other way around, its a bit tricky. I don think there is any particular rav to ask. Each person needs to ask whomever they feel knows the whole situation.

amother

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 9:40 am

My husband, who is a Rav, answered when |I asked him when we were engaged, "what about the fact that you are not supposed to touch my daughters?" he said "that will be one of the 613 mitzvos I will not be able to keep." p.s., he gave them hugs etc until they were old enough to not want it any more (around age 9). They have a good relationship but they don't touch.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 9:44 am

The little boy is 9 and 1/2 but is in great need of love and affection. My friend was telling me that she knows that touch, in the loving way, has been missing in their lives for a while.

finprof

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 9:51 am

Seriously, this is a question!?! Come on, this is your kid, you love them and want to help them, its not zexual! Go ahead and bash me for being to "modern" but if the kid needs a hug, give him one, don't over analyze it!

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 9:54 am

finprof wrote:

Wow, talk about a rude way to answer.
I agree with you, but this is NOT about me. This is a friend of mine who wil only touch a step child if a rav has says its ok so I wanted to help her find one.

Barbara

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 9:56 am

amother wrote:

Sounds like you married a good man.

Isramom8

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 10:07 am

I would ask Rav Meir Treibitz in Har Nof (of Yeshiva Machon Shlomo). I don't know what he will say, but he is very sensitive about relationships. The 9 year old boy is just over the regular age limit for negiah, and he has been through a lot, so there may be a heter.

Shana_H

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 10:25 am

I was adopted by my "parents" at birth, literally! I'll never forgot the torment I went thru when I attended a two year post High School Beis Yaakov Seminary, and I was told by my Halacha teacher that every hug and every kiss my adoptive father had given me, since birth, was totally and completely Assur and we would both be "punished" for our actions! It took years, no joke, b/4 I could bring myself to hug my father, I will never forgive or forget that teacher!

doctorima

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 10:57 am

I have heard of leniencies based on circumstances beyond the age of 9, but they generally involved non-chiba contact, such as helping with wounds or assisting with clothing. If your friend specifically wants to give hugs, I could see that this would be potentially more problematic. I don't know what he'll say, but I would think that Rav Dovid Cohen in Flatbush is quite experienced in these situations and would be quite open-minded and reasonable about the situation.

greenfire

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 12:26 pm

when you know the kid needs a hug simply for nurturance - I see no issue ... I've given boys like this hugs myself ...

in a step-family - it's a family - I'm sure you can find a knowledgeable rav to direct you to the right answers for your blended family

but as the step mother - she does need to tread carefully before pulling this boy close to him ... wherever his real mom is - he needs to adjust at his own pace

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 12:30 pm

greenfire wrote:

greenfire, I agree with everything you are saying. And again, this is not my blended family. This is for a friend who is getting married soon to a man whose wife died when the children where youngish. She will not touch the boys unless a rav says its ok, but I dont actually know of one and she says that most of the rabbanim that she looked up do not hold that it is ok. So I thought I would ask on here, on her behalf, to find out if anyone knew of a rav that would matir this (and she is in Israel, so a rav in Israel would be the best)

grace413

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 12:41 pm

I can't say for sure but I've read that Rav Nahum Rabinovich, Rosh Yeshiva of the Hesder Yeshiva in Maale adumim is lenient these issues.

Peanut2

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 12:48 pm

AFAIK she is allowed to "shop" for a rav who she knows is lenient in this regard. I'd try to get the names of rabbis who permit this to ask them questions about this issue.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Sep 30 2013, 12:52 pm

Peanut2 wrote:

AFAIK she is allowed to "shop" for a rav who she knows is lenient in this regard. I'd try to get the names of rabbis who permit this to ask them questions about this issue.

I understand all of this (as does she) but she is at a loss for names of such rabbanim.

I am asking, here, does anyone know of rabbanim who would permit this and answer such questions.