Why do we have children?

MyTimeNow

Tue, Oct 01 2013, 11:53 am

Because we want to give. We are loving people who want to nurture others, even when it feels beyond what's possible, even when there's no money or strength or peace or gratitude, we are givers. And your kids need you to be exactly who you are, and you are exactly the mother that they need. And when you know you're doing you're best and you're able to reach out for chizuk or help when you need it, you are doing exactly what you are supposed to and your children, even very young ones, will internalize that love.

Sanguine

Tue, Oct 01 2013, 11:53 am

amother wrote:

I have 4 kids under 9.

Four under nine? I was going to say "that's the problem" (even though I realize that's not amazing here) - then I realized that at some point I had 4 under 9 too. I guess time heals everything Very Happy

and we forget - All the pictures in our album are of us having fun Smile

I don't think you need anyone to tell you "Why", but I think you're just having a hard time now (especially with all the chagim we just went through) But I can promise you from experience, they all grow up and each year they start to surprise you with what great people they're turning into and you don't question why you had them.

I remember once as a teen being at a discussion where the point was that babies are the Most selfish beings. They want their needs taken care of NOW! as they get older they start to learn to share a little, wait their turn, wait for their mother to come out of the bathroom... Even giving Grandma a kiss is giving. As kids get older and older they become less and less selfish till they reach the age where they're really thinking about other people's needs before theirs and finally giving.

It doesn't take so long but it doesn't happen overnight and can slide back (the girl who let her sister go first yesterday, won't let her sister have even one turn today). But it happens. They do grow up.

That sentimental line that "you should enjoy your kids while they're young cause they grow up so fast" wasn't written by a mother of 4 kids under 9, but could have been written by a mother that ONCe had 4 kids under 9.

So the chizuk that I want to give you isn't the answer to "Why" - you know that, but it's an assurance that they do grow up quicker than you think and it does get easier Dancing

Last edited by Sanguine on Tue, Oct 01 2013, 12:24 pm; edited 1 time in total

lk1234

Tue, Oct 01 2013, 12:04 pm

this isn't why I initially had children but this is what I've come to realize children bring into your life.

Having children has helped me heal from my childhood wounds by teaching me that all people are created pure and good and whole and wonderful. It's only from the garbage that we go through as children that we lose sight of this and forget how really good and whole we really are.

Having children has taught me not to be a control-freak. That every single human being on this planet wants and needs to have some sense of control over their lives and environment and when you tamper with that you are setting yourself up for power struggles and fights and a lot of nasty stuff. I've really learned to let go and stop being bosy and fighting over every little thing. At the same time, I've also learned through my children how to set boundaries, something that if you asked me before having kids what's a boundary I wouldn't for the life of me know what you're talking about.

I'm not sure if this is what you're looking for but having children is just the fast way through a massive course in avodas hamiddos, (as is marriage)
While you can work on your middos when you are single and without children, when you are daily, sometimes hourly presented with challenges you are forced to work on yourself in ways that you simply can't escape.

wifenmother

Tue, Oct 01 2013, 12:58 pm

As other posters have said, "know that you are not alone". I don't have four under nine as my oldest is a little older than that, but my kids are still young enough for me to feel that way. Sometimes often.

So I 'liked' ChangedMyAvatar's post. And by writing this I'll 'like' it again. You articulated what others say all the time so beautifully rather than making us feel like 'you'll get over it as I did'.

I am working through difficult issues with some of my children right now. DH and I have set up specific strategies as to how to deal with each child and we review how and if they worked each evening in order to stay focused. It has really taken over every of my life right now. So when I saw this quote today, it gave me lots of chizzuk: "If you're not having problems, you are missing an opportunity for growth". Because over the past few weeks that I've been truly focusing on my children I have realized as lk1234 wrote, that parenting is a crash course in avodas hamidos. I have changed so much thanks to my children. But before I had a clear cut path as to how to tackle the issues they were each facing, I very much felt like you do right now. So here's hope that one day, very soon, you too will be able to enjoy your children and feel that they have been a catalyst for your growth.

the world's best mom

Tue, Oct 01 2013, 3:04 pm

I have 4 kids under 9. I feel like my life is MUCH easier now than it was when I had 3 under 4. I love being a mother because:

-I feel such intense love for my children. I never realized it was possible to love a person this much before I had children.

-I feel like I am building the future. Each time I hug my children, I feel happy inside that I am raising emotionally healthy children who never have to doubt my love for them.

-My kids say and do the funniest things. I laugh so much more now than I did before I had kids.

-I feel good about myself. I feel accomplished and fulfilled, for I am always giving.

I think this was the sappiest thing I've ever written, but I'll post it anyway because maybe it will help you.

amother

Tue, Oct 01 2013, 5:23 pm

I have 4 under 7 and just had 2 miscarriages. I won't deny that it's tough, both physically, and as my children get older and have more emotional needs, it gets emotionally draining. I have children for the reasons mentioned above, but also, I think because of my miscarriages, I am realising that each one is a miracle who will be able to change the world and accomplish something no one else can. They complete me, my husband and us as a family. I take pride in the fact that I have relatively happy, well adjusted children who I am able to give what they need. And I also am having more children for the children themselves - sure they fight, but when they play together, there is nothing better, and as they grow older, they will appreciate each other even more. Recently we were on vacation and saw 5 kids walking down the street singing together...aww. And people have mentioned to me that I never needed loads of friends, as a child or an adult, because I have a bunch of sisters and brothers for support, company and fun, so I feel that one of the biggest gifts I can give my kids are siblings.
I know this all sounds so sappy and beautiful, and it's definitely not all rose-tinted glasses or gazing into each other's eyes, but long term that's the goals I'm reaching for.

the world's best mom

Wed, Oct 02 2013, 9:26 am

I used to think similar thoughts to you, OP. When ds1 was a baby and he screamed all day and night and my girls were going through difficult times at the same time, I wrote this poem:

I rock you and I change you
And I must put you to sleep,
But every time I put you down,
You wake up and you weep.

I nurse you and I burp you
And I wonder why I bother;
Why would someone want to be ‘
A mother or a father?

I’m tired and I’m hungry,
I’ve no time to sleep or eat.
I take care of my baby
Though I’m falling off my feet.

And then the moment comes
That I’ve been waiting for a while;
I lay you down to change you
And you offer me a smile.

I look down at your face,
While the greatest pleasure I bear.
Your big blue eyes are glowing
With a grin from ear to ear.

So this is why we do it!
My payback time is here!
My heart just melts; my life is good;
I have nothing to fear.

And as the smiles grew more frequent and the cries diminished, things got so much better and it was so much easier to see the positive in parenting. Though there are hard times, they don't last forever.

MMCH

Wed, Oct 02 2013, 10:03 am

bc I think it would be a lonely life without them.

my kids give me a sense of purpose. a reason to get up, face the world, and try my hardest to be the best person I can be, bc I am someone role model.

most things in life that are good for us, do not come without hardship.
I think raising children is the BEST example of that.

amother

Wed, Oct 02 2013, 10:06 am

Im having my fourth under the age of 5. 2 out of my 4 were failed birth control but I have zero regret for that. My children are my life, its what gives me true fulfillment every day.
My dh and I were both sort of deprived and neglected as children and we love to give them everything we did not have as a child.
We are aware that we might be spoiling them with major vacations and such but then again my dh and I are enjoying now what we didnt have then and love to watch them having a great time.
What I love best is taking all my parents mistakes on us and correcting them on my children. I try and raise my children the best I can and not a day goes by without me asking myself was I the best mother I could be today? Many times the answer is no, like yelling at a child out of frustration. But I make sure to apologize and try harder the next day. (I am still waiting for an apology from my parents and so is my dh)

Unfortunately to answer the op's question of why we have children, in some communities I have seen that it is because of peer pressure. Classmates and friends having one after the other while you are still raising that same first child or younger siblings having more than you. I have spoken to enough people who feel this pressure and thats where the problem lies.
You need to be physically and mentally prepared for each child and then hopefully you wont be asking yourself these questions.
In the meantime get yourself some help and take a break!

EmesOrNT

Wed, Oct 02 2013, 10:07 am

yksraya wrote:

amother wrote:

I have 4 kids under 9.

Same here! Also 4 under 9. I understand how it feels. It hopefully gets a bit easier when your oldest will be 10+ and can help a bit with chores and with siblings.

Why must you wait until then? My 7 and 8 year old boys do plenty around the house and help with the toddler, bathing, feeding and changing.

Just saying.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Oct 02 2013, 10:23 am

yksraya wrote:

amother wrote:

I have 4 kids under 9.

Same here! Also 4 under 9. I understand how it feels. It hopefully gets a bit easier when your oldest will be 10+ and can help a bit with chores and with siblings.

I dont get this. My daughter is 5 and 1/2 and she helps around the house with things that she can help with and has been helping with little things here and there since she was probably 4. Why wait until they are 10+ to help? By then its almost too late to start, sometimes.