How do we tell the kids?

amother

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 4:31 pm

Okay, so my pregnancy is becoming.obvious and it's time for us to tell the kids. It happens to be that this pregnancy was unplanned due to some health issues. (and my youngest just turned a year). Well G-d decided otherwise, and we're making the best of it.The thing is that my oldest, who's 11, has expressed concern (and respectful frustration) at my constant exhaustion, and my second kid, who admittedly is only 8, has been downright fed up with having a mother who doesn't function. I fear that they will be less than ecstatic at the news that their mother will have yet another little person to steal her sleep and sap her last bit of strength.
How should we break the news to them in a way that will make them feel positive, empathetic, and make them understand that I will be counting on their age-appropriate help (without making them feel resentful)?

granolamom

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 5:03 pm

the kids dont have to know that a baby is the cause of your exhaustion. you dont have to point out the connection new baby=less energy for the kids you already have.

I get really fatigued and sick with my pg's, I just tell the kids I'm not feeling well. and in a different conversation, tell them that Hashem is sending them a new baby sibling! just dont ever say "I'm not feeling well because I'm pg". you're not feeling well because youre not feeling well. and you're pg. two separate issues as far as they are concerned.

and dont tell them you are counting on their help because of the baby. they help out (age appropriate levels) because thats what you expect of them. nothing to do with the baby. the baby is not their problem, if you make it that way, they WILL be resentful. I do understand about surprise babies, but keep your ambivalence away from the kids as best you can. you will get over any negative feelings you have eventually because the baby will be your baby. but the kids might harbor resentment for a long long while. the baby is their sibling and unconditional love does not flow between sibs the way it does from parent to child.

bshaa tova and I hope you start feeling better soon!

amother

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 5:09 pm

OP here.
But is there any way to tell the kids that we will just be needing their help a bit more than usual over the next few months, and hopefully it will be temporary?
For example, my 8 year old is REALLY GREAT with reading stories to her 4-year-old brother, but often she just refuses because she's not in the mood. Can she be made to understand that for the time being, we need her to do it sometimes even when she doesn't want to?

bubbebia

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 5:15 pm

I disagree. The kids are old enough to understand what this is all about. You can tell the older kids, particularly, that you are expecting a new baby and that sometimes at the beginning you don't feel very well and you are very tired and that this is pretty normal. This makes it hard for you to do a lot of things at the beginning but it will get better. And you can certainly tell them that for a little while you might need a little extra help from them until you start feeling better. It won't make them resentful, it might even make them feel more grown up. Keep the extra chores to a minimum and age appropriate and you'll be OK. But also be aware of their need to do the things they need to do. Definitely don't let your ambivalence about things creep into your voice. Be positive about the anticipated event.

srbmom

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 5:18 pm

Quote:

But is there any way to tell the kids that we will just be needing their help a bit more than usual over the next few months, and hopefully it will be temporary?
For example, my 8 year old is REALLY GREAT with reading stories to her 4-year-old brother, but often she just refuses because she's not in the mood. Can she be made to understand that for the time being, we need her to do it sometimes even when she doesn't want to?

I once went to a parenting class where the speaker spoke about this a little. She said that we can not make our children care for our other children. We can make them do chores/tasks that benefit themselves or the household, but we can not make them do our duties as a mother. We decided to have kids, it's our responsibility to take care of them. Even in stressful times and situations.

It is very nice that your 8-yr old reads to your 4-yr old. But I see no advantage in pushing her to do it when she doesn't want to. It will only make her more upset.

I agree with the poster above that said you should try to disconnect your not feeling well from the pregnancy. iy"h you will soon be feeling a little better and it's better for the next few months that they not resent the pregnancy now.

amother

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 5:22 pm

OP again.
I did not mean the older kids should care for the younger kids.
I mean to ask her if she can read him a story so I can go to the bathroom and vomit in peace.
I mean for my oldest one to help a younger one pour their cereal while I am trying to comfort a screaming 1-year-old.
Things like that.

EmesOrNT

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 5:26 pm

My older boys naturally help out more since obviously, I'm not doing it. However, they are RICHLY rewarded for it. They also help out with the toddler. My oldest can bathe him, and change his diaper, and he does it without being asked. If you're open about what's going on, the kids are more motivated to help.

srbmom

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 5:27 pm

I don't know why you can't do those things and not make it about your being pregnant?

"Sweetie, do you mind reading xxx a book while I go to the bathroom? My stomach is a little unsettled"

"xxx is crying. Do you mind pouring milk for xxx while I try to comfort her?"

If you do it without mentioning the pregnancy you won't bring out the resentment. And again, the very sick/fatigue part will hopefully be over soon.

ElTam

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 5:36 pm

I don't know if this will help in your case, but I have needed the kids since I went back to work. They are always wanting money for little treats, so I pay them a small amount (a quarter, 50 cents) to help me with certain things, like the oldest listening to the younger ones kriah so I get dinner for the youngest. Would that help?

amother

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 6:04 pm

Maybe giving the older kids privelages like you playing a board game if possible or buying them an extra treat for shabbos. Maybe going with her for a walk as a reward, buying or renting books from library, or inviting a close friend or neighbor to make her boring chores more enticing. I bribed my daughter who LOVES music with loading new content on her ipod. Worked like a charm!!

Of course you have to set limits and explain that doing big girl/boy chores get them exciting and mature reward. Also, you need her help more and with such a small babe underfoot she's trusted by mom to help out more. She's obvisly becoming a big girl and has big girl responsibilities now...

Again, you should not mention anything about upcoming event when having this discussion.

Just my 2cents and wtvr you do may you have hatzlacha!

Jewishmofm

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 6:06 pm

Whoa. Slow down. Your children do not need an explanation of why you need their help. IME, that never works anyway. You see, children are born self-centered - if they cared, they would read just because you said you needed it. I would not expect them to care more after a long winded explanation. Best plan is when you need the help, you say it that way. " I need you to do this now, please." end of discussion.
Second, bribery works every time. In fact, we want our children to internalize the idea of reward where appropriate. Of course, the best prizes are not things you buy. In our house it's "whoever finishes their evening routine first gets to play a game with imma!" or "when you have finished x, you can go play in the backyard". Only sometimes is there a tangible, keep-able payoff. and I don't always tell them the payment plan first.

rosenbal

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 8:51 pm

Try to do lots of positive reinforcement for all the behaviors you want to increase - helpfullness, responsibility, pitching in, cheerfulnes etc. Have a chart if that helps and keep putting marks on it ALL day for the kids whenever they do (even half way) something you like/something positive. Whether it's to you, to each other etc. THey LOVE the attention. It's natural to do more of what gets you positive attention and (genuine) praise. I wouldn't have them earn money this way, but every x number of points a special treat and after 2-3 weeks of points (however you structure it), they earn special times with you - take them on a special outing. I took one of my kids pottery paining - loved. Plus, they earn more time with us this way!!

Very important - do not criticize them (much or often) for when they're being grouchy, irresponsible, unhelpful, fighting etc. That only gives them attention and will NOT lessen the undesirable behavior.

IGNORE the behaviors you don't want.
PRAISE/NOTICE OUTLOUD the behaviors you want.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 11:47 pm

A thought on finding balance:

In my house, DD has a couple of basic chores that she does because "everyone contributes to the house that we all enjoy". If she wants extra spending money, she has the option to take on something extra. If she's not feeling motivated, she has no obligation to do anything extra. I'll either do it myself, or let it go undone, depending on how much that chore is bothering me at the time.

For little favors, I'll say "DD, can you do me a big mitzvah? I need you to run out to the garage and get the challah out of the freezer for me." Stuff like that. Being a mitzvah girl is still a big deal to her, and she's 10.

m in Israel

Fri, Oct 25 2013, 12:17 am

It looks like I'm outnumbered here, but I don't see a problem with explaining to your kids that you are feeling sick/ weaker because of the pregnancy. This will help make it clear that you are hopefully talking about only a limited time. Additionally, kids aren't stupid, and if you seem to be constantly sick for no apparent reason, it can scare them. I actually ended up telling my younger kids about my last pregnancy earlier then I intended to after my 7 year old came up to me after a particularly rough throw up session in the bathroom and asked me "mommy, are you dying?" He saw I wasn't well for a while and got scared. When I was able to explain that no, BH this "sickness" is for something very good because my body is working hard to help a new baby grow, he was relieved and excited. All the kids were able to understand that I needed some extra help under the circumstances, and were much more cooperative then usual about doing it. Make sure none of your own ambivalence comes through, and try to project excitement about a new baby, while explaining that you know it might be a bit harder on everyone in the short term.

We did give lots of treats, prizes and even payment for whatever jobs they did that were above their ordinary helping out. For example I wouldn't give a prize for cleaning up the toys, which they were supposed to do, but if I needed one of my older kids to watch the younger ones for a bit so I could rest, I would offer to "hire" them for a "babysitting job". They felt very grown up about it, and I got the help without having to feel like I was taking advantage of my kids.

And BTW BH they all absolutely adore the baby.

spinkles

Fri, Oct 25 2013, 4:42 am

I had horrible nausea that kept me in bed for the first four months of my pregnancies. I would have my kids come into my bedroom one at a time and lie in the other bed. I would hold their hand (across the beds) because I was so sensitive to smells that I couldn't have them closer than that or I would vomit from the smell of whatever they had eaten. But I would lie there and listen to them tell me about their day, and it was nice for both of us--we got to connect and they felt like Mommy still cared. They were much more understanding of the situation and willing to help when I spent that time with them.

wispalover

Fri, Oct 25 2013, 4:51 am

ElTam wrote:

Once, on an evening filled with frustration I reached an all-new (bitter) parenting low and tried to pay my then 4 year old to go to sleep... Man, did that backfire!

granolamom

Fri, Oct 25 2013, 9:55 am

amother wrote:

nothing wrong with that.
I just wouldnt harp on the fact that the reason the kids need to help out more is because of their unborn sibling.