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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 8:48 pm

I grew up in a strict and serious home.
The focus was to accomplish and do what has to be done.
Very little emphasis on bonding family time etc. baring emotions discussing hopes dissappointments etc.

Please

will you share your best memory/ies from your childhood in terms of family bonding love laughter - the stuff memories are made of. the special things your mother father did for you

Also I would like to hear what people remember from their childhood which they despise - helping out? having to eat up your food? what trait or actions from your parent really left you with a scar?

Since its overwhelming to work on so many areas I'd like to know which behavior/expectations to avoid for sure and which things to implement so I can give my children a better childhood experience in the home.

thanks

the world's best mom

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 9:11 pm

One of my fondest memories from my childhood is cuddling with my father on the couch or in bed while he read us a bedtime story.

Also, on Shabbos, my mother would serve my father chulent first, and we would all sit on his lap and eat his food off his plate. (My mother always gave him plenty of extra to share.)

amother

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 9:15 pm

On shabbos morning I used to climb into my mother's bed and she would read me books. I loved that.
One thing my parents didn't do right was that I didn't feel safe as a child. And in fact I was molested repeatedly in my house while my parents were home. Please make sure your children are safe and let them know that it's important to you.

Rutabaga

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 9:18 pm

Kudos to you for taking concrete steps to give your children a better childhood than you had. Don't worry about making things perfect - just try to make your home a warm and nurturing environment. And be careful not to go too far in the opposite direction and become too much of a buddy and not enough of a parent.

Things I remember fondly:

family game nights (with snacks!)
coming in from playing in the snow and my mother making us hot chocolate with marshmallows or fluff
family vacations and weekend activities
a rotating chair policy (so that we all got a chance to sit next to each of our parents at meals over the course of a week or shabbos)
water fights in the summer
practical joke wars
hugs

Things I remember not so fondly:

my mother harping on my weight
my teenage years (I fought with my mother a lot, and my father tried to be the peacemaker)

amother

Thu, Oct 24 2013, 10:37 pm

Thanks to each and every one of you who replied
I really don't know the basics of how to 'bond' or form relationships as my family simply didn't relate. we just boarded together in one house.
I need to know what makes a house a home
what are the little things which count
please note my husband had a severely neglected childhood even more rigid than my own.

amother

Fri, Oct 25 2013, 9:40 am

HUGS HUGS HUGS!! long yummy safe loving hugs! (for as long as they are comfortable) give your children hugs throughout the day, and tell them you love them. do it even if you aren't used to it. it is so important to have that physical demonstration of love. touch can feel therapeutic, really.

tell them you love them-just because they are yours! tuck them in at night and make your own special routine.

discuss your day at the supper table. what was their best part of the day and what made them sad or angry.
take the time to show interest in their interests. Do homework together, discuss the books they read or, read with them. ask them to show you their collection or hobbies

let them know they can tell you anything share anything without being judged. if you are not busy when they share feelings with you, look at them and really listen and try to answer with an, appropriate and usually matching, emotion.

compliment them in the right way.
talk only about their thoughtfulness, generosity, first time listening, kindness, responsibility, creativity, how carefully they work, effort. start the sentence with "(what you did) was so (thoughtful), wow! " or even just describe what you saw your child do and add "wow!"
"chani, you took your plate off the table without me asking you "wow!"
stay away from "you are so thoughtful, nice , cute etc..." even if it is something good because it implies, however subtly, that when they slip up and show the opposite behavior, they lose the character of being nice, good ,wonderful ect...

another thing to add is "you must be/should be so proud of yourself!"
it is important for children to create pride in their character and behavior intrinsically. Not to please others, or to gain compliments about how proud you are of them.

amother

Fri, Oct 25 2013, 10:55 am

wow good for you op, taking these steps.

things I loved- my mother teaching me how to read the comics Smile

cuddling in bed shabbos morning reading
my mother always asking 'did you have fun?????" my mother always gave us the times of our lives!!!
the birthday parties my mother threw for us- epic suprise parties!!

my father used to take each one of us out of school to come to work with him every once in a while
my father put us to bed and read us the best stories with the best voices

things I couldn't stand as a kid-
my mother had a business and we ALL HAD TO HELP. it was not option. my father used to joke 'we were born into this, and theres no way out' it drove all of us crazy
I was never allowed to say no to a babysitting job, something of the sort, like 'not being in the mood, did not fly
my parents put a strong emphasis on Independence (not financially, but more like figure things out urself), which now, as an adult I appreciate, but back then, it drove us crazy...
my mother always drove me crazy about my weight, so much so, that when I recently looked at photo's of me as a kid, I was shocked at how regular I was, but my mother drilled it into me that I was chubby.

amother

Fri, Oct 25 2013, 12:47 pm

The Negative:
~Being locked out of parent's bedroom at night - I am not a good sleeper so probably had nightmares and this did nothing to make me feel secure. My children are always welcome.
~Getting a potch (I'm sure I deserved it but not a fond memory)
~Hectic disorganized mornings with screaming and breakfast on the run - my mornings with little ones are resolutely organized because I am traumatized
~Overall disorganized

POSITIVE:
~getting suspended from school and my parents saying, you probably feel bad enough for what you did, we will not further punish you;
~father coming home from work at 6 and taking the time to play with the kids and give baths
~In general, my father was always the warmer one and to this day I have a strained relationship with my mom
~family time with grandparents, aunts, uncles which provides more unconditional love than parents/siblings and is great for childhood security
~being home on snow days with nothing to do but spend time with the family

yonah

Fri, Oct 25 2013, 2:40 pm

The good things:

Family vacations, spent with my family and my aunt and uncle's family.

Yamim tovim and Shabbat as family time.

My father was a work at home father and he would walk my sister and I to the bus stop every morning.

My mother never kicked me out of their bed when I needed to crawl in at night, even when my father protested.

Reading stories together on Friday night waiting for him to come home from shul.

Sunday errands as family time.

NOT being expected to take care of my sibling because of my parent's decision to have another child.

They understood the sacrifices we as children made because of their decision to live in the house while it was being redone. And that we coped with it as well as we did.

The bad:

Having a sibling and being expected to always give in and always "do the right thing" because I was "the oldest and should know better".

Not being understood even when I explained. Especially regarding school.

My mother being emotionally unavailable after my father died, which negatively affected our relationship, even though she's trying now.

My mother insisting that we "didn't need her anymore" once I reached 8th grade and so returned to her late work schedule. And then wondering now why I don't share anything with her. She also turned me into a typical "teenager" without understanding that I was responding to the situations that were going on around me. And even when I felt myself being a "teenager" and would tell her that I was taking myself aside (or simply plugging my ears in when we were walking) so I WOULDN'T cause any trouble, she made a big fuss about it and treated me like I was being so horrible.

Never being apologized to.

The amother who mentioned hugs gave some good advice, I'm just going to add my two cents.

Hugs are wonderful things. I've been told I give amazing hugs, and part of that is because I know the power of one.

Appreciation goes a long way too. Just because chores should be a regular part of every day life, doesn't mean you shouldn't show appreciation when they are done. Even more so when something is done above and beyond. I spend a few years making Shabbat when I was in 12th grade until I got married, and not one drop of appreciation was shown. Only now does she admit to my hearing that I have exceptional kibbud eim.

And never be afraid to apologize and admit you were wrong. Your kids can't be expected to show such behavior when it hasn't been modeled for them.

aaya

Sat, Oct 26 2013, 2:52 pm

All my good memories are of quality time. Even small things like going with my father to choose flowers for shabbos
My Dad once took 2 weeks leave off work to help my study for exams when I skipped a year of school.
It's nice if you can have a special thing that you do with each kid such as helping you cook for shabbos etc.

Negative- my mom worked hard and missed most of my school plays and assemblys and even parents evenings.

amother

Sat, Oct 26 2013, 3:22 pm

My father left us when I was small but my best and worst memories are somehow connected with him.

The best was when I didn't want to go to sleep in the night and my parents wanted to go to a party at the neighbors. So I keeped calling and asking for things - food, drink, story. I remember that I didn't really need anything but kept on calling to have them come. Anyway, my mother, my father, and even some other people from the party kept coming and sitting with me till I fell asleep.

The worst memories are just flashes because I don#t remember it in detail, but I have recollection of my father pressing a pillow on my face or trying to tie my legs in a knot - my mom threw him off - I think he was drunk.

Shuly

Sat, Oct 26 2013, 3:59 pm

#edited

Last edited by Shuly on Mon, Oct 28 2013, 5:46 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Sat, Oct 26 2013, 4:20 pm

I have this memory of being in the car with my dad and him playing "Man, I feel like a woman!" and us both singing along and feeling really happy Very Happy

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