13 yr. old told younger brother to...

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someoneelse

Sun, Dec 29 2013, 5:11 am

http://www.hagana.org.il/english.html

רח' צ'ילה 6, קרית-היובל
ת.ד. 9079, ירושלים 91090
טלפון: 644884402
פקס: 642137402

frumommy

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 3:32 am

Firstly, did he ask your younger child to touch him inappropriately or did he ask him to DO something more "knowledgeable"? If he asked him to touch him or to just look, then that is likely something he has experimented with himself by this age and it may be just a curiosity thing -- boys hormones do run wild and they're curious at this age, so if that's the case, try not to freak out too much. Just explain (or have your husband explain if that's easier) about privacy (his and respecting other's) and that it's not appropriate.

If he asked the younger brother to do something that would not be natural for a boy of 13 to know about on his own, you must ask him -CALMLY- how he knows of such a thing -- because then you have a genuine concern that he may have been molested, or perhaps it's something another child showed him in an inappropriate magazine, etc. You must get to the bottom of this without getting hysterical or sounding angry at ALL, or he will not confide in you. If this is the case, that it's more complicated and looks like molestation could even remotely be an issue, then you must get help. Being upset, crying and hoping it will go away without seeking help in that case would be irresponsible and neglectful parenting. You have to protect BOTH of your sons. Contact the groups others have suggested. Experienced counselors will know how to get to the truth carefully.

He's young. He has a whole life ahead of him. Make sure you are calm and deal with this appropriately and it will turn out fine. Don't sit and wring your hands, just get it taken care of. ((hugs)) You can do this!

amother

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 5:47 am

Op here.
Thank you all for your kind words & support.
I'm embarrassed to say, but every virtual "hug" I get here, means do much!!! Especially because I can't share this with any of my friends, sisters or even my Mom!!!!!
In situations like this, you feel so alone, and having someone to share and discuss things with is what keeps us going!!

Can any of you please help me with the wording? I've been pushing off calling any of the organizations, because I don't know what to say....
What is it even called? (When an older sibling asks a younger one to do something????
I would like to ask the org. if they offer the specific treatment to prevent this from ever happening again... So, what is it called?

Any ideas and help are so appreciated!!!
(I think I would find myself in an insane asylum without all of you!!!)

abound

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 5:55 am

HI, I need to speak to someone who can help me figure out treatment for a child. THe issue is with s-xual nature. This way you do not have to tell over the situation to every single receptionist.
If they ask what sort of nature, say you are not sure if the child was molested and you need help figuring it out, you also think the child needs help learning boundries and what is right from wrong s-xually. Take it from there.

Success10

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 6:24 am

I don't know the law, but I can't imagine that any legal action would be taken against your son, after all, NOTHING HAPPENED. I think it's excellent that you are going about getting help, but you should know that this happens more often than you think, even in functional homes. Take a deep breath, it's going to be fine.

Success10

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 6:26 am

Also, in Jerusalem the Family Institute on the Neve Campus sees boys (and everyone else) for a very subsidized fee. Let me know if you'd like the info.

abound

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 6:30 am

Don't look down at your son, don't think he is a damaged or the worst of him, he is young. He will make you real proud one day.

Kol Hadassa

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 6:37 am

Please do not hesitate to speak to a professional for fear of being reported. Unfortunately, I have had to deal with this in a professional capacity. In Israel EVERYONE is a mandatory reporter. Your son has not done anything wrong yet, bezrat Hashem, he won't. I highly recommend contacting Magen-Child Protection Hotline
050-8489001
999-9678

They are very professional, discreet and helpful. They can also guide you to the right therapist.

I have done this and would be happy to talk to you further about it. There were no negative repercussions for the family and they got a lot of help and support.

freidasima

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 6:44 am

Just saw this now.
Complicated as it depends exactly what your older son did.
Here's an example.
If he told the younger to take off his clothes below and do something to himself that's called "experimenting". However if he told younger brother to do something to HIM that's a different story and already involves participation. There's a legal difference as the first isn't even near molestation while the second is. Molesting here means two people participating in an act that involves touch of sorts. Get it?
Yes there is mandatory reporting. So beware of any formal agency unless you have no choice. Kupa psychologists - depends where, depends who, depends which kupa.
Is your older son aware of the fact that he did something inappropriate? Can you speak to him openly? Can you ask where he learned this? Can you ask whether he was taught this by someone and whether he himself was asked to do this by someone to that person or to touch himself by that person?

In other words, get the history yourself without being too agitated or involving a third party if you have no money to have them do this and you are afraid of this going on file. Once you have the history and know whether this is a case of passing on molestation that was done to him you might have a better idea where to turn.

You might also need some counseling for the younger sibling. There are various organizations and hotlines which have already been listed here which do good jobs in both cases, but once again, if it is a case of crossing a certain line, there is mandatory reporting.

If there is any other information you need, please ask. But don't freak out. Kids do things for lots of reasons. Experimenting, curiosity, they were exposed to an idea and wanted to try it out. Who else to try it out with but a sibling and for those who don't have, a close friend. Once upon a time teenagers used sheep....so put it into proportion and don't freak out so fast. Kids survive it one way or another. Of course depending on "what" "it" is. Big difference between "pull down your pants and touch your you know what to make it hard" and "and now put it in my..**" get it? Hope it was just the first, that's more normal experimenting.

Pita

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 7:03 am

Kol hakavod that you are taking this seriously and not sweeping it under the rug. And though the other posters are right to tell you to be calm, your reaction is natural, especially for a mother who loves her sons. Acting now (with professionals) to get to the core of his is the best thing you can do.

Of course, your son may have simply been exposed to something tittilating and been taken with the idea. That does not make him a molester, especially as you are nipping this in the bud.

As others have said, this may be something serious but it also may be nothing. Finding out now is the key, and you are doing this. Lots of hugs from one mother to another.

Pita

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 7:07 am

BTW, you may just want to start by simply talking with your son and ask his thought process.

In other words, I have nothing new to add; the other posters have already said it all.

mom4many

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 7:23 am

I'd start off with an anonymous call to the Crisis center for religious women. They are knowledgable in these areas, encouraging & discreet. I've heard the founder & director speak - she sure has her head on her shoulders & is religious.

Phone: 02-6730002

Hopefully you're catching it early enough to take care of it properly, & you will see much nachas from all your children.

5*Mom

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 8:27 am

someoneelse wrote:

http://www.hagana.org.il/english.html

רח' צ'ילה 6, קרית-היובל
ת.ד. 9079, ירושלים 91090
טלפון: 644884402
פקס: 642137402

Mercaz Hagana is whom you call to report a s*x crime against a child. They are exceptionally professional and when one needs them, one needs them but I don't think this is the right address for OP at this time.

A previous poster suggested Magen. I second that suggestion. Good luck OP.

amother

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 8:28 am

Just want to let you know op, that he can grow up to be a wonderful adult, as long as you work hard to get him the help he needs. I have never admitted this before, but when I was 12ish and my brother 14ish, he used to show me his p-nis all the time, show me [filth], tried to get me to make him hard and touch him all the time, get me to show him my private parts, and such.

Now he is a father of children, and he is a wonderful person. I know that is heart breaks when he remembers what he did, and that he believes G-d doesnt want to forgive him for his sins but he continues to work on his middos and on his relationship with both G-d and people to try and make up for the past as much as he can.

He was just a horny teenager experimenting and your son might be the same. Get to the root of the problem and get him help. There is hope for the future.

amother

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 9:13 am

Some experimenting is normal, or can be. Some isn't.
A 14 year old boy, especially from a traditional or religious family but I assume from any normal family setting, knows that asking his young sister to "make him hard" is NOT normal.

Clarissa

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 9:53 am

amother wrote:

Be careful dealing with psychologists, you can get into problems with them here and I assume in other countries as well. I would first go to a close Rebbetzen or Rav whom you trust then go from there.

Terrible advice.

amother

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 10:53 am

I am amother whos brother did all those things. I did not sAy what he did was normal. All I am saying is that he is a normal person who made terrible mistakes. Not all people who do these terrible things turn out to be pedophiles and molesters. Op asked if it is possible her son can turn out normal, and I am saying yes.

amother

Thu, Jan 02 2014, 1:31 am

Op again.

I don't know what to do now!!!!!
I called the family institute, who referred me to Magen, who then referred me to Beit Lin.
After speaking to someone on the phone and explaining the situation.
She asked me and my husband to come meet them, and from there we will see what to do.

She told me that according to the law, they are obligated to report this to the Revacha!!!! (Social services). (The 2 previous organizations told me the same thing!!!)

I am beyond freaking out!!!!!
Are they going to take my older son away from me???
I'm so scared!!
I don't want my family to break up!! I just want my son to get the help he needs!! To get him therapy, so he can come out of this in the best way possible!!
I'm sorry I made the call in the first place!!

And, the worst part is, my husband is going crazy!!! He keeps on telling me: do you realize what's going to happen now??? Their going to send people down to out house, our whole family is going to fall apart!!!

Help!!! I think my hearties falling apart!!!
(Somebody, tell me I' doing the right thing!!)

P.S. Does anyone here have any experience with the Revacha???
Please give me some chizuk!! Please?

amother

Thu, Jan 02 2014, 1:44 am

Did you give your name etc. to the people you called? If so, then they may already have involved revacha.

I'm sorry to upset you but I've had very negative experiences with revacha (not with this kind of thing).

If you didn't give them your info you might be better off seeking a private therapist. Yes, everybody is a mandated reporter but I don't think every private therapist will run to revacha with the info you provided here.

Even if revacha is involved they do not take children out of the home so quickly.

It's understandable that your DH is upset. Try to remain as calm as possible. You are doing the right thing in trying to get help for your son, it's very important. This is a trauma for the family.

PM FriedaSima - she knows all about the system and has great advice.

Hug

amother

Thu, Jan 02 2014, 4:50 am

I don't have advice regarding the social services but I went through a similar thing with my son and I would love to be in touch with you. Have an anon email adress?

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