how do I get my son to stop m@sturbating?

amother

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 6:58 am

As long as he finds out he's not allowed before it becomes a halachic issue, then I reckon you should be softer on him now. Something like 'leave it alone, that's not nice!' Like others said, it feels good but it isn't s0xual.

Now please, don't do what my FIL and MIL did and not teach your sons at all that zera lvatala is assur. My poor DH had to kick the habit at age 15 when he found out (his school did not teach this) - he still feels guilty to this day - especially as it wasn't easy for him to stop and took him a few years of major self-control before it wasn't an issue for him anymore.

inexorablyme

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 7:00 am

Stop.
Do not pass go.
Do not collect $200.

It sounds like your reaction to your son is fueled by your issues with your husband's addiction. Since you aren't able to respond to your son with an appropriate level of emotional control, just stop. Let your husband talk to him about this, or not talk to him about this.

Your screaming at your son for this is just setting him up for a life of s3xual shame. Please, just step away from this issue entirely.

For yourself, I'm hoping you are talking to someone or going to COSA meetings.

Ruchel

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 7:06 am

amother wrote:

I agree with everything here.

About schools, various convos and readings about shown me there seems to be 3 types:
-omg let's not talk about it, in case some students have no clue let's not enlighten them as the others may not quit anyway
-mention it in a low key way so as not put too much interest, and hope those concerned get it
-be all about it and hope to "shock" those who do into stopping

I agree with you that it's not fair to not teach it's forbidden. The same way I wish I would have been told about some halachos I had to learn or pick up by myself (not embarrassing stuff, just stuff that stayed off the radar for whatever reason, like kol isha).

I've read about "encountering" the concept while learning with one's father (of course the father set it up for discussion!) being a good way, but 7 is too young for this except maybe a very simple thing about not touching? What I read was more about pre bar mitsva. But it should be "encountered" before it becomes a habit, ideally before it becomes a "thing" for the kid.

naturalmom5

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 7:07 am

Get him a bekishe and tell him to keep his hands in the side pockets
Remind him often how the shin-daleds are all going to swoop down from the sitra achra and strangle him

Seriously , Reb Moshe said that we never talk about such things
If a boy is immersed in learning he won't be vulnerable to this . If a bochur isn't learning , then takeh you're Oif Tzurus . He has bigger problems than zl

Last edited by naturalmom5 on Tue, Dec 31 2013, 7:08 am; edited 1 time in total

Talya

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 7:09 am

Ruchel wrote:

I don't know if a therapist is needed, but it's not a habit he should get into as he'll have to stop eventually, al pi halacha.

There have been many threads like this. Mechanchim have said to advise them that they could irritate themselves or get an infection (all true), and to associate it with needing the toilets: "do you need to pee? no? so we don't touch there".

I don't understand saying you can do it in your bed, or if you wash your hands (ew) or what. I would rather ignore than tell them where to do it. Where not to do it sounds better, too.

I also wonder, if he only does it in his bed, how do you know? at 7 shouldn't have be taught about tznius especially for private parts?

And indeed as Jews we have many normal, natural things we are not allowed to. That's even a thing our enemies often reproached us with! but that's a much longer (off) topic

Well you don't want him doing it in public now, do you?

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 7:10 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

Im sorry, I know Im going off topic, but are you serious? Are you saying that if a boy is learning torah then there is no way that he could ever touch self? Rolling Eyes

Or that learning torah will stop him from touching self? again Rolling Eyes

This boy is 7, not 13 and not 33, but 7. He is still learning about his body. Get a grip everyone!!!!!!!

OP, have your husband talk to your son, in a normal way, no screaming, explaining why he should not do this, but dont make him feel bad for it, he is young and again, he is exploring his body.

Ruchel

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 7:13 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

Thing is, depending on the school he may not be in kulo kodesh (not that all rabbis recommend it, by far) and even if he is, then after school he's home and doesn't have, hopefully, 5 hours of homework every night.

Torah IS a remedy, combatting fire with fire, but still you have to KNOW it's forbidden or how can you combat it?

I do know some rabbanim say to not talk, and some circles apply that, and I also see the advantages of it.

amother

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 7:15 am

Ruchel wrote:

My husband was homeschooled and never taught it's asur. Of course his parents did give him the birds and bees speach though. Go figure. I think he found out when he was in his early 20s in Beis Medrash.

naturalmom5

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 7:27 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Im sorry, I know Im going off topic, but are you serious? Are you saying that if a boy is learning torah then there is no way that he could ever touch self? Rolling Eyes

Or that learning torah will stop him from touching self? again Rolling Eyes

To be honest, Shabbat . I read the thread title and flipped out before reading OPs post
He's only 7 .. OP , I'm begging you get help with your issues with a good therapist and speak to a knowledgeable Rov, before you push the poor kid OTD C"V...

black and white

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 7:49 am

As soon as I read "natural mom" post,I knew there will follow a post with " are you serious"?, shabbatiscoming you are becoming quite predictable! !!
Op stop projecting on your son the ill feeling you have for your husband's addiction.
He is still young, although I would tell him that unless he needs to go to the washroom that body part is not to be touched( himself or anyone else)

Last edited by black and white on Tue, Dec 31 2013, 8:02 am; edited 1 time in total

black and white

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 8:01 am

I just wanted to add that maybe your son might have seen his father doing it (he mistankenly walked in) ,perhaps you weren't home and is imitating the behaviour. Since your husband struggles with this issue imho he is not the right person to talk to your son and neither are you. It has to be someone who will explain to him CALMLY that what he is doing is not allowed.

chavs

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 8:08 am

Op, google cosa or sanon. They are both 12 step support programs where you meet up for support. They are free and anonymous.
Most children touch themselves because it's soothing and it feels good. Some children do it when they are tressed. What your described does not sound compulsive. Compulsive is doing it all over the place throughout the day.
Shouting at him could make him stressed and thus cause him to do it too de-stress and furthermore it will give him zxual shame and a feeling of being too keep it secret which could in turn actually lead to addiction.
What would work better would be to read him a story and give him a back rub when you see him do it, basically distract him but do it with love.
Btw I doubt your dh msturtbated because he wasn't taught not to by his parents or because he was homeschooled. I doubt they teach little boys not to in school anyways. s-xual addiction is usually as a result of some unmet need, zxual shame or abuse or neglect although the cause is irrelevant.
Get yourself help as you need it add much as your dh and less then your ds.

amother

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 1:44 pm

Some comments if I may.

1)
All this talk about worrying about s-xual shame is absurd, ridiculous and just not frum. Since when should such a thing be allowed because of possible eventual s-xual shame?

2)
This is not normal!! Not even for [gentile]'ishe kids. Simply not normal for a 7 year old to be going at it ALL THE TIME. Abnormal completely.

3)
Boys are not like girls, in that it just feels good with no s-xual arousal when they are doing it to themselves alone. OP check out any possible s-xual stimulation, mags, videos, internet etc.

4)
Kudos to the poster who said that it's not allowed for Jewish boys and therefore should be stopped.

5)
The stimming comment... Just no. Stimming hand + aiver isn't terribly likely...

6)
Reb Moshe comment... no again. Reb Moshe would say dont talk about it if your son is touching self compulsively? Not a chance.