give me one reason to be happy on purim

amother

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 11:42 am

amother wrote:

in your original post you mention 2 things:
1) lack of children
2) lack of friends

On the first, may Hashem hear your tefilos this purim and bench you and your dh with children.

On the second.....why not? I am not asking you this in a threatening or finger pointing way, we are in the same boat of having no friends
(My dh and I are not social people and this year we have no seuda to go to, so instead we are going to go to the shul's seuda so our kids will have some exposure to fun (hopefully), but we were not invited anywhere, I have no one to call up and invite. I said to my dh that I feel that over the past 11 years of marriage we painted ourselves in a corner, it's our fault for not having a seuda to join this year.)

I know this sounds crazy but the past 2 years after purim I have sat down and evaluated my purim (similar to what I do after pesach). I think about who I forgot to give MM to and things like that. I think part of this years review will be how I can make sure my family is not alone next purim.

I moved here a few years ago and ive been trying to make friends ever since. I go to shiurim, I am friendly to people, make small talk, but somehow I never hit it off with anyone. I live in a tiny one room apartment and can not invite anyone for a shabbos meal.
If you have kids you can meet other moms at the park or at school functions but for me its so much harder.

freidasima

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 12:07 pm

OP, I am for one going to relate not only to your pain, for which I send you hugs and hopes for all your wishes to come true, but I am going to relate to your topic. To try and give you more than one reason to be happy on Purim.

1) You are frum. You HAVE a purim and have the zechus of carrying out the mitzvos of purim, none of which require one to have children to fulfil the mitzva. You will hear megilla, you will give matonos laaniyim and you will give mishloach manos and will hold a seuda. You have the zechus of knowing about these mitzvos and keeping them. Remember that you have this zechus and it will help make you happy on Purim that you have correctly fulfilled the mitzvos and in the zechus of those mitzvos and fulfilling them correctly may the Ribono Shel Olam grant you a child.

2) You believe. Or at least I hope you do. And by believing you haven't given up davening to the Ribono Shel olam that your family will grow. You have something to hold on to, even if you at times rail against the Ribono Shel Olam for what you see as his unkindness for not granting your wish already. But you believe in him and he was the one who saved us on Purim so that we as decendents of those Jews from Shushan, many of which came back to EY afterwards. Hang on to that belief and let it give you a deep joy for Purim. and may that belief be the backbone of asking the Ribono Shel Olam to grant your wish.

3) You have hope. You are still actively going on and doing things to try and have children. Remember that hope and know that as long as you have it, you have what to hope for and look forward to. That in itself is a state that should give you joy on Purim.

4) You have a husband who is hopefully on board with your hopes in all directions and especially in the direction of doing all the right things to have a child. That should also give you support and happiness.

Finally, and please don't take this the wrong way, you write about yourself and how YOU need happiness on Purim. I have learned that one of the things that makes us happy is doing for others and thinking about others. I am not talking about chessed but about your other half, your husband. The pain that you have, I can only imagine that he has as well. The hole in your heart is in his heart as well. Would it be possible this Purim to do something for HIM, to help HIM in his pain and to make it a freilach purim for HIM by even pretending that you are happy? To think of things that you can do with him and for him, even totally out of the box, just for HIS sake? Yes I know...you also are in pain but sometimes, just maybe, the zechus of your doing for him will be what the Ribono Shel Olam will want in order to say "now, it's time for them." I think of Yitzchok and Rivka, each in their own corner davening for a child...but each one actually davening for the sake of the OTHER. Maybe you can be happy in that you know that this Purim you will do for your husband and maybe in that zechus....just maybe...something in the shomayim will begin to move.

Just a thought. And again hugs and a brocho that the Ribono Shel Olam will ease your pain with a child, with many children, bimhairo biyomeinu.

amother

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 12:11 pm

freidasima wrote:

I find it very hurtful when people talk about zechusim that others can do to get what they want. It's like the rest of us are good enough without all those zechusim but there is clearly something wrong with you that makes you need them more. I'm the amother who was single for a long time. I can't count how many people told me similar things and would basically say straight out that some people have all the zechusim they need at 18 so they can get married but you clearly don't. We don't understand God and we don't understand the way He runs the world but lecturing others about zechusim is totally and completely insensitive. I'm sure she has plenty by now and we don't know why she wasn't blessed with her yeshua yet.

amother

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 12:40 pm

amother wrote:

I did not read the whole thread, but....
I, Too, was single for a long time... a very long time. Let's make that very, very. I really don't think FS meant it in the way you are putting it. In fact, I think her post was beautiful and to the point. She in no way seemed to me to be implying that she or others don't need zechyot, but that here is a way for OP to motivate herself to be happy. I think this was written with so much respect and empathy.

amother

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 12:52 pm

OP - so sorry to hear that it's a struggle for you.
For a long time, it was for me too. Purim is my father's yartzeit so it was always bittersweet.
I want to share my experience last Purim, in the hopes that it is encouraging. If it's not, please just ignore me.
Last Purim was my low point. I had a serious medical crisis, that I was told would have lifelong implications. I was facing major surgery and the knowlege that I would have to manage this condition for life. All of the turmoil caused me a major crisis with my career, and someone took advantage of all of this, ultimately causing me to lose my job and my parnassah. In short, last Purim felt like Tisha B'Av.
It's a year later now - and B"H. YES, I have a chronic health condition, but after the initial diagnosis, I have learned to manage it and it's not the worst thing in the world. B"H I didn't have the worst possible outcome. I will have certain health problems forever now, but I have figured out how to adjust my life around them. They are just not as terrible as they first seemed a year ago, when I sat in this very chair googling them!
My career - yes, I lost my job, and it was a job I had trained 10+ years for and was very good at. It was hard to forgive the machinations of the person who caused me to lose it, and in fact, I don't forgive him (I asked a shaylah and was told I don't have to forgive someone who does what this person did to me, and yes, I have beyond a shadow of the doubt proof, in the form of emails this person sent.) However, the loss of the job, even with all the financial implications, is allowing me to pursue a different dream I've had, and I'm enjoying the new career path. I never would have taken this path without what happened last year. We have no money, but that's just something else to adjust to. It' isn't as bad as I thought it would be.
In short, a LOT can change in a year, so maybe this Purim the tefillah is - "NEXT Purim let me be able to look back on this one and marvel how much has changed in a year." But last year, had someone given me a mussar shmooze, I'd have been very upset. My point is just - a lot can change in a year. (Although, the truth is, for me, not much has changed. It's just that I've adjusted.)

freidasima

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 1:02 pm

To the Amother who misunderstood what I meant by the zechus...who in the world are we, any of us, to determine whether one has "enough" or "not enough" zechuyot for something? That is certainly not what I meant.

I think of it totally differently and am shocked that someone so misunderstood what was meant as a simple post. That we have a zechus (as opposed let's say to non believing yidden) that we can believe. That we can daven to the Ribono Shel Olam, for this, for anything, that we actually believe not only in Hashem but in the power of davening.

For me, in my world, that's a zechus. I remember a good friend of my father's, today z"l, a Holocaust survivor and a very famous lecturer on the holocaust, who, when his late wife was dying painfully some 20 years ago asked me whether I truly believe. I said that I do and that also believe in the power of prayer and will daven for her. He thanked me (he was from Hashomer Hatzair and was never religious) and said that he envy's me such a belief, it is comforting to think that there is a G-d up there who watches over us, even if he does painful things to us, but that there is some kind of order in this world instead of the total chaos in which he unfortunately believes. As he said, it is a zechus to believe and he doesn't have that zechus...

THAT is what I meant, that we have, all of us frum yidden, the zechus to believe, to feel good when we do mitzvos, when we carry them out right. THAT is a zechus.
And knowing we have that zechus should give us happiness.
THAT is all I meant, nothing more.

MrsDuby

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 2:17 pm

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you OP...

I have to say I'm in a similar boat as you (well similar in the fact that we dont have kids either) and I totally understand waht you mean when you say that each Chag is difficult. Our religion and culture is very kid oriented... from shabbos meals (family time), to every holiday - there are things we do with the kids. as you perfectly wrote out - from decorating a sukkah to lighting menorah... asking the Ma Nishtana, it really can be hard.

Please dont let anyone make you feel bad for your feelings ... and sure there are other people who have difficulties, but like someone else posted - it doesnt take away the fact that you are in pain.

I dont really have advice for you, other than the fact that in some way you need to make the holidays enjoyable for yourselves. I dont know what kind of community you live in and whats acceptable, but my husband and I dress up every purim! we decorate our sukkah ourselves (we also will invite our nieces / nephews over to come help and they LOVE it!) Chanukah I happen to light a menorah and we decorate our Chanukah window.... etc etc etc... I guess we're kind of childish like that Smile

I hope you are able to find some way to enjoy our traditions in your own way... and to find a way that you can connect.

Also, I understand youre going through IF right now, and therefore its constantly at the forefront of your mind - which means everywhere you look and think - its all focused on baby. Totally understandable. I want to wish that things go easy and smooth for you and you should be blessed with all your hearts desires!

Ruchel

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 9:52 am

Quote:

asked me whether I truly believe. I said that I do and that also believe in the power of prayer and will daven for her. He thanked me (he was from Hashomer Hatzair and was never religious) and said that he envy's me such a belief, it is comforting to think that there is a G-d up there who watches over us, even if he does painful things to us, but that there is some kind of order in this world instead of the total chaos in which he unfortunately believes. As he said, it is a zechus to believe and he doesn't have that zechus..

I have heard this with "luck" (to which I answered if one wants one can work on emuna, and a good way apart from finding the right shiurim n books is to just start practicing, but I would NOT tell a shoah survivor this ever).
THough some on the other hand will get crazy and angry that one still believes.

That said it's possible to be frum and lose hope or lose strength to daven. And while I hate stereotyping... it seems to me the suffering of the woman who isn't with a child yet, is much more visceral, deep and painful than the man's, who of course wants kids, is reminded of it on holidays, wants a kaddishl, everything, but to me it doesn't appear it affects them as deeply.

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 10:50 am

freidasima wrote:

3) You have hope. You are still actively going on and doing things to try and have children. Remember that hope and know that as long as you have it, you have what to hope for and look forward to. That in itself is a state that should give you joy on Purim.

4) You have a husband who is hopefully on board with your hopes in all directions and especially in the direction of doing all the right things to have a child. That should also give you support and happiness.

I do have a husband who is on board with my dreams. We would love nothing more then to do treatment for the change to have a child. sigh. There is no treatments available for our diagnosis.
Of course we still hope and know that Hashem can change science in a second but we cant ask for an open miracle.

freidasima

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 11:17 am

On Purim itself you make your husband a king.
Maybe surprise him with a king costume that you give him to dress in, and you dress in a Queen costume and you can be King and Queen together.
You can prepare a Purim quiz with all sorts of fun questions for each other to see how much of the megilla one really absorbs (like what were Haman's ten sons names, what were the different jobs of Charvona versus Vayzata, how many times does the word "melech" appear in the megilla etc....funny silly kind of questions that you can just look up afterwards.

You can create a Purim ritual for the two of you that you will do this year and continue in future years. Include in it anything meaningful for you, something playful, a particular crazy food - TOTALLY unPurimdig, that you will include in this ritual, and make it something that you will bond over and laugh over.

If you are at a time that you can touch each other, then maybe a Purim game that the two of you play - pin the tail on Haman. Make a big cardboard picture of "Haman" - maybe with horns or something, and then blindfold each other, turn each other around and each of you gets five chances blindfolded to "pin the tail on Haman". Again, silly but funny.

If you don't yet have children, then you can allow yourselves to BE children, in the sense of playing these funny games and trying to have a good time with each other, together. Making a fun Purim ritual to bind the two of you for the future and the like.

Also you can try and remember Purim stories from your youth, before you married and knew each other, and tell each other about a meaningful, funny, silly or whatever Purim from when you were younger.

Hatzlocho!

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 11:24 am

amother wrote:

I hear where you are coming from

But do you have any idea how many older single women there are out there, that dont even have a loving husband

Or how many women are in very abusive marriages

Maybe consider adoption or foster children, so many precious children need homes

I am only up to this post on this thread.
To this amother: please dont ever compare one person's sorrows to another person's hardships. Thats just plain unfair.
Dont compare being single or having an abusive husband to being a childless couple. Each of those things are hard, but one is not harder than another. They are completely different things.
Adoption and fostering is not for everyone, at all. Many people want their own and some dont want to foster because they cant end up keeping such a child forever.

So, again, dont think of other hardships to make someone who is childless "feel better" because their hardship is "not as hard" as the other ones.
If you dont know of the specific hardship, dont guess about it. Being childless or dealing with IF is something that I would not even wish for my worst enemy. It is excruciating and unless you have gone through it yourself, dont even try to think what it is like because it is impossible.