Am I heading for trouble

amother

Fri, May 23 2014, 11:11 am

I started working for a lawyer a few months ago. He is jewish but not frum but has many very frum clients so he know all about not touching a woman. He is a year younger than me single never married. WhenI was hired he asked me if he is allowed to shake my hand which of course I said no. He respects that in every way and never had a problem.
When he hired me he only wanted me in the office one day a week and work grom home the fest of the week.
Usually when I am in the office there is very little time for us to talk I do my work and leave and if I need to get a message to him I email or text him. This past week 2 clients cancelled so we had time to really talk about business but then he started to talk about his life. He then told me he would like me to come into the office more often because he is lonely and has no one to talk to so he would like to talk more often.
When I got home he called me to tell me he is buying a top of the line computer and screen for me and a top of the line iphone for when I am out of the office and wanted to know how much data I will use for my free time not working.
I dont want to leave because this is such a great job I make my own hours and when I am home I could work for him and work on my other business at the same time (dont worry I asked if I could and he said yes).
Am I heading for a problem or am I reading too many romance novels?

Fri, May 23 2014, 11:26 am

Nothing about romance books... you have a lonely single male and he meets a woman who he can talk to... I'd tell him I originally accepted the job because I'd be able to work from home.

Perhaps instead invite him for Shabbos so he can meet your family, be exposed to a bit of yiddishkeit, AND MEET YOUR HUSBAND!

Dolly Welsh

Fri, May 23 2014, 11:47 am

Yes.

With a good eye:

Do some thinking. Do you know a single, frum, woman for him? Deflect his feelings to where they can be proper, onto another woman. Think of several. Maybe invite them to Shabbos when he comes. Discuss this with your husband first. Leaving out your suspicions about his interest in you.

He is interested in frum women. He knows how they live. He might be a candidate to marry one and become frum.

He is plainly stating he wants what you have.

ABSOLUTELY BE CAREFUL of your manner and do not be alone with him or in a closed place alone with him.

If you can't get this sorted neatly and soonly, yes, you have a problem.

Do NOT allow the kind of conversations he has plainly asked for. If he starts with personal stuff, physically rise from your chair walk a little, and start another topic, about the business.

I do not like his asking about your recreational computer needs.

With a bad eye:

He knows you are unavailable and yet he makes this little move in your direction. Keep an eye on him. That doesn't make sense. He may be crazy.

PAMOM

Fri, May 23 2014, 12:08 pm

Dolly,
He needs to know how much data room she needs to buy the best data plan. He didn't ask questions about recreational use.
OP, you asked a reasonable question but are getting some reasonable and some "out there" responses. The big question is what your gut tells you. It's perfectly reasonable for you to say you prefer to work from home whenever possible, but it's reasonable for him to ask you to come in more-- for business reasons, not as a companion. Can you say lightly that you like working from home but are obviously able to come in another day if he needs your help with business? Add that you'll need to make child care changes ( if you do). Inviting him for dinner works ot if you want to cross that line into a social relationship.
If he says again that he's lonely, you can simply suggest places for him to meet Jewish singles. That makes clear that you're not available. If you suspect trouble, that's one thing, but don't create a situation where none exists or where you can sidestep.

Dolly Welsh

Fri, May 23 2014, 12:47 pm

OP says: "...wanted to know how much data I will use for my free time not working. "

Doesn't this mean for OP's own, recreational, use? She says "not working".

He is asking a silly question, a flattery question. That's not a crime, but I heard the "not working" bit as a little statement that "my notions are not entirely about work."

OP, dress down at this job. Wear less makeup and duller colors. It's surely no crime to be pretty, but this man needs to be cued another way.

ectomorph

Fri, May 23 2014, 1:01 pm

Your instinct that something is wrong is worth paying attention to.

He wants warmth, family stability, and you symbolize that to him.

I like Dolly's suggestion that you invite single women to the table who would be appropriate for him. Your husband and yourself can therefore be a role model to him.

But I would be very very careful. There's no such thing as a free lunch, and if he's looking for more in your relationship you want to nip it in the bud.

b from nj

Fri, May 23 2014, 1:15 pm

I don't know how comfortable I am with you inviting him to your house. Not sure if you want to bring him into your personal life even though yes, it may be important to remind him that you do have a husband!!

I would sooner recommend that he look into the various Jewish dating sites.

I don't get the sense as Dolly suggested that he is looking for what you have (aka a frum life). I doubt he would want to meet other frum eligible women.

I think he is interested in meeting women though & you may be able to direct him to Jdate to meet like-minded non-religious women.

Beware of lonely men & try to keep the relationship business-like as much as is possible.

Dolly Welsh

Fri, May 23 2014, 1:21 pm

Upon reflection, I now agree with B from NJ. Maybe he shouldn't be invited to your home.

Dress down, see if he can take a hint, keep an eye on things. Don't leave your purse unattended when you go to the ladies' room, lock the drawer, and close any personal email if you are not at your desk. That's all just normal, anyway.

Talya

Fri, May 23 2014, 1:58 pm

The thing I find concerning is that he told you he is lonely so wants you there to keep him company more often. That's not part of your job description. If he wants a busier office he could have worded it differently. Sounds like he does want more than you can offer as a married woman.

amother

Fri, May 23 2014, 4:24 pm

op here.

Thanks everyone.

I dont want to invite him to my house. I was thinking of inviting him for purim but decided I want to keep my private life separate from my work life.

As far as yichud I make sure the door is unlocked and anyone could walk in.

I guess I will see how it goes over time. My problem is by nature I am a big flirt so even though I would never do anything I dont want him to get the wrong idea if I say something to him. The problem is the office is so laid back that it is very hard to keep it on a business level But I will try my best.

Dolly Welsh

Sat, May 24 2014, 11:11 pm

From what you say, in your later post, I think you had better keep the door open not just unlocked. Prop it open with something. Say you need air.

And dress for respect. That means a longer, looser skirt, and no color on your face. Go easy on shiny jewelry too.

Please be careful.

It sounds quite concerning, from your latest post.

Sometimes one is not suited, personally, to a particular job.