furious at inlaws continued...

Happy18

Fri, Jul 11 2014, 8:10 am

Ruchel wrote:

Maybe Warren Buffet's son is too classy to tell his opinion to the media...
WB could have set up a way that the kids only get money if they work, or study or whatever, but not giving anything? frigging wrong. Not even legal by me, to disinherit your kids unless they committed some legal offense against you.

I wouldn't worry too much. His children have had many advantages and seem to be doing very well on their own. The son quoted is a NYTimes best selling author. Somehow I think he's ok.

saw50st8

Fri, Jul 11 2014, 8:25 am

Ruchel wrote:

Only as a heirloom, after they pass.

But yes, it's a right in most (?) cultures, and it sounds logical. Also, it's law in many places. You cannot throw all your money to trash or give it away, at least SOME of the sum goes to the children.

It doesn't sound logical at all. A minor should absolutely be entitled to his parents money should they pass because they are obligated to support a minor until 18 (or whatever the law is in their country). Once the child is a legal adult, the parent has no monetary obligation. At that point, the logical conclusion is that the adults who own the wealth should ensure it goes where they want it to.

I am aware of laws that ensure the wealth is transferred to the closest relative (usually spouse or children) upon death if there is no will. Where are there laws that guarantee children their parents money unpon thier passing?

amother

Fri, Jul 11 2014, 8:50 am

op again, I apologize if I'm coming across snobby and selfish- I guess I have to work on myself. I'm not saying that only people in my shoes r allowed to respond, of course anybody can. I'm simply saying that unless ur in my shoes u really don't know how u would feel. There's a family that lives near me that has 12 kids living at home, K'h. The wife is probably around 40. Ive NEVER heard her complain, but imagine that she vented a little about how difficult it is to manage her kids everyday and I responded..."this is how I manage my kids..." she would probably be thinking, "Um, u don't have 12 kids and have no idea what u would do if u were in my shoes!". We all can't help but form opinions of people we r close with. I read a few responses from people in my situation who seem to say they have accepted it and moved on. I need to do that. But how should I feel about mt FIL? It hurts me that I believe he is a lowlife. I wish I had more respect for him but my feelings about him r based on how he treats others (including his family) and there's not much to respect. Its not just about help for a down payment. Its his attitude towards us since day 1.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Jul 11 2014, 9:01 am

amother wrote:

But OP, that should show you that that the way you feel about your FIL has almost nothing to do with monetary things, but your overall feeling of your FIL.
You have to learn to live with him that way.

Barbara

Fri, Jul 11 2014, 9:06 am

Ruchel wrote:

I have no idea who WB is, even less his son Smile

One of the 10 or so richest men in the world, Self made. Widely considered to be the most successful investor of the 20th century. But continues to live in a modest house, and sent kids to public school (IIRC).

He doesn't believe in inherited wealth. His kids do have Berkshhire Hathaway ( his company) stock from the sale of a grandparent's farm, and they were given substantial funds for use in connection with philanthropic efforts. By all accounts, his kids are successful in their own rights.

amother

Fri, Jul 11 2014, 9:24 am

OP. I have a rich FIL who owns 18 (!) classic cars and goes on 2-month vacations several times a year. He's also a narcissist who gave my dh very little love, always criticized him, and beat down his self esteem in a way that affects our shalom bayis until today. He cheated on my MIL throughout their marriage, and left her for another woman right before my dh's bar mitzvah. He now after years of a train wreck marriage where he took a strong woman and emotionally abused her to the point where she's been hospitalized for anorexia multiple times and has a full-time caregiver, now when this lady is broken he's dumping her and is using his big gun lawyers to ensure she doesn't get a penny.

So.

I look at this guy and I see NEBACH.

Nebach that he was raised by parents who never showed him love. Nebach that that has impacted him his whole life. Nebach that he wants a relationship with his children but sabotages everything. Nebach that he has no joy in life, only bitterness. He keeps chasing gashmius, and it's making him more and more depressed because he thinks it'll bring happiness but it only makes him feel worse, and he doesn't understand why.

So it's hard for me to understand why you call your FIL a lowlife that isn't worthy of respect. Your FIL isn't perfect; no one is. Everyone has good qualities. The things that bother you about him don't seem so terrible. Fine, maybe he's more generous to others than to his own family. Okay. Is that soooo terrible, compared to all the other things a person could do?

When I look at my FIL I see someone who has a lot of good qualities intermixed with his bad ones. I see someone who could have become so much more. He needs compassion from me, not condemnation.

I would never think of him as a lowlife, and I would never think him unworthy of respect. I don't respect some of his actions. But him? He's a person created b'tzelem Elokim.

Try looking with a little more understanding at people. Don't get upset with people when they're not what you think they should be; you're setting yourself up for disappointment. People are complex. This world is a world of growth, and we're all in the process of growing. If you expect things to be different you will always be dissatisfied.

Make a list of 10 great things about your FIL, and read the list regularly.

Then make a list of 3 things you could do for your FIL that would bring him happiness. Is it calling more regularly? Making a cheesy mug with the grandkids' picture on it and "we love you" printed on it? Whatever you decide, do them. With a lev shaleim.

Your whole world is going to change if you start giving love and positivity instead of holding resentment inside you.

amother

Fri, Jul 11 2014, 9:24 am

amother wrote:

I'm in your shoes. My FIL has money, plenty of it. He has never given us a dime. Didn't pay for our wedding, or contribute to it, nor did he get us a gift. He never gave us a baby present. Didn't give us money towards our downpayment on our house. Not a dime. I don't feel the way you do. I really don't care if he gives us money. In fact, I think we are better off without it.

mille

Fri, Jul 11 2014, 9:27 am

Speaking of the Gates Foundation, Bill Gates, who is actually the richest man in the United States, is also not setting up huge trust funds/giving his kids all his money when him and his wife pass -- they intend the money to go to charity. Anyone who knows anything about the Gates family can see that this is entirely reasonable.

He could give away 70 BILLION dollars to charity and still give his kids enough money so they would never have to worry about money again for their lives. Yet, what kind of work ethic does that instill? What about pride in what you do? For a self-made man like Gates, this is clearly an important value. He wants his kids to get an education, develop their own passion, follow that passion into a career. He wants them to make something of themselves.

amother

Fri, Jul 11 2014, 9:33 am

saw50st8 wrote:

They don't exist in NY.

Child support ceases absent a separate agreement. There are no inheritance rights for children even minors.

Ruchel

Fri, Jul 11 2014, 9:37 am

saw50st8 wrote:

To me it's logical. We build for our children (in a normal situation).
If there is a will, you can donate some of the money away, but remains a "minimum" that is not so minimal (bh). In France, Italy, Belgium...

Chayalle

Fri, Jul 11 2014, 9:57 am

amother wrote:

My father's parents were quite wealthy, and we rarely ever saw a dime of it. My father went to college and grad school, got a degree, and had a decent job as an actuary, but still struggled to support our large family (there are 12 of us B"AH). My mother was mostly a SAHM though she did work here and there, like she took a part-time job before renovating the kitchen....stuff like that.

My parents certainly did not expect handouts, though it sure would've made life easier. I know my parents struggled, especially Yom Tov time, and there was a time they were paying 10 tuitions. I never went to sleepaway camp, nor did I have fancy clothes, etc....and I learned to live within my means. I doubt anyone in my neighborhood, growing up, would believe we had wealthy grandparents.

My grandparents were holocaust survivors and had a hold-on-to-your-money-to-save-your-life mentality.

My mother always treated her in-laws respectfully, though I can't say that was reciprocated (my grandparents didn't approve of my parents' lifestyle, and the fact that they had so many kids.) In this way, she did not resent her MIL - she felt sorry for her and for all that she'd been thru.

So, 2nd hand I understand where you are coming from, OP, and I will reiterate what I've said in this thread: It's not worth wasting your life letting resentment eat you up. You can work on changing your thoughts, so that your feelings will follow more calmly.

amother

Fri, Jul 11 2014, 10:05 am

According to halacha Yerusha goes to the children.

My Uncle died and left the bulk of the money to my father and uncle. There was a messy divorce and my Uncle did not have much to do with his kids (his fault mainly).

My father and uncle gave the money to his children and my father said if he didn't it would affect my uncle's Olam Habba.

I believe you can only give 20% percent to Tzedoka and the rest has to go to the sons.

Of course during your life time you can do what ever you want. I have a document from my father stating I get an amount of dollars minuets before he should live a long and healthy life. That way my brothers won't bring me to a Din Torah and one of my brothers would.

To the OP most of my adult life my father has been wealthy and I get around $2,000 for tuition and my bill is at least 200% more then that. No money for Brissim, Bar Mitzvahs. DH and I struggle we have a very large family. My parents are older and DH and I have to do a lot to take care of them and we because they are our parents.

I could be resentful but why destroy my life. I have a sister who my parents gave her a lot more then they gave me (Money for Dirahs in Yershalyim) but it is never enough and she is bitter. Complains about my parents all the time. Her kids look at my parents as awful people and treat them disgustingly. My sister is a very unhappy person raised her children that they don't have to be responsible for themselves and they are spoiled rotten. She goes into debt to give them whatever they want and you should hear how her kids talk about her. Trust me you would not want my sisters life.

I know one thing Hashem decides what I will have, money comes from him. You weren't meant have it you won't get it.