I just can't daven

imorethanamother

Wed, Sep 03 2014, 9:30 pm

I've always been terrible at tefilah. I just don't feel it, so I don't do it. Periodically, I'll pick it up again. I'll try to do just brachos. In my very accomplished periods, I'll do brachos, shema, and shemonah esray. But then I find myself annoyed during davening, rushing to be done to get it over with, and feeling nothing.

So here I am again, and this is the most crucial part of the year. It's not like I don't have serious issues in my life that I need Hashem's help, and I know that He controls everything, and the words in tefilah are important to say thank you, but it just doesn't come together.

I can't figure out if it's because I just feel so empty, or like no one is listening (especially because I'm not with a minyan), or that tefilah isn't about Hashem really listening to the bakashos and helping you, but more about you changing yourself instead. So it feels somewhat pointless, because I just don't see how saying the same exact thing every single day with no change does anything to change myself.

I need help. I've tried to read some books on tefilah, listen to R' Tatz, read R' Schwab's treatise on it, etc, but it never really inspires me. I think tefilah just makes me feel alone.

PinkFridge

Wed, Sep 03 2014, 9:40 pm

Going through the motions isn't a bad thing. The motions still have value. Keep listening and reading and let yourself be open to the possibility that someday things will click. I'm middle-aged and this year I had a "clicking" moment about something. Not tefilla, though I've had those too, this is too personal to go into here but you'd think I might have tackled this a decade or two ago. But now I think, maybe not. Maybe I'm a late bloomer and all my life has brought me to this point.

Find some avodah that does grab you. Do a positive action, or refrain from a negative action that builds your character. Learn some halacha or mussar every day. Make the world a better pleasant place and live so that the shem Shamayiim is beloved through your hands. This is a lot to bring with you into Rosh Hashana. Hatzlacha!

Blue jay

Wed, Sep 03 2014, 10:27 pm

Finding time and motivation to do a full davening each day is difficult for me too. I know this isn't the conventional approach, but if I dont have the time to daven, I just remember that Ha-shem is with me all the time and that every mitvah I do keeps me spiritual and connected. And if I really feel out of touch spiritually, I focus carefully on what I am doing, like helping my chidlren prepare for school.... and remember that I am perfoming a tremendous mitzvah.

I dont just see Ha-shem in my prayer books, I see him everywhere. The sky, the fact that I can thank G-d move my body... the existance of modern day convienences , all the kind and good people out there.... laughter with my kids, a warm hug from my dh.... Gifts from above, how can we possibly not live in a spirtually infused world? G-d really is in all the details. Smile

I pray and ask G-d openly in english for his help each day. When my schedule is really open to more time for tefillah, then I do a davening, but I dont feel guilty. Woman are not obligated to daven as much as men and I really think this makes sense.