In a spiritual rut

amother

Sun, Sep 28 2014, 4:40 pm

I am originally modern orthodox. I went to Seminary and "flipped out" now I am married and my husband is in learning, but over the years my feelings of closeness to hashem have dropped. I feel so horrible to say that but since I am out of that seminary mode and really dont have time for shiurim, I just feel like im falling and falling.
I dont have any rebetzin to speak with who can help motivate me and since yom kippur is coming up I really want to start making some changes. Does anyone know of a great person to speak with who would be willing to help me?
Someone very normal who won't judge me harshly or not understand my issues since I came from the mordern orthodox world...
thanks!

amother

Sun, Sep 28 2014, 5:02 pm

I don't have any advice except that I totally hear you, I am in the same place, and know that it's completely normal. My husband told me yesterday (after I complained about how un-inspiring my RH was since I barely got in a few minutes of davening between the kids) that in his yeshivah and kollel they always talked about how hard it is for the women to feel connected. It's definitely hard to regain that connection you had in seminary. When I have no patience for shiurim (I listen online at torahanytime a lot while I work), I just put on some songs from frumtube so that at least Hashem is on my mind, even though I'm not actively thinking about him.
I've also been thinking these last couple of days about writing Him a short letter that I can read in the mornings to inspire myself.

amother

Mon, Sep 29 2014, 2:56 am

OP here- thanks, that is a good idea. I also listen to torah anytime, just not as much as I used to.
I have a really hard time staying away from the shmutz I guess, like I used to love celebrity gossip and stuff and I end up still finding myself stuck to it on the computer. I know it is bad but honestly sometimes I need a break from the craziness here in my house to just sit and read some dumb stuff or watch a youtube video. I am so upset with myself Sad

amother

Mon, Sep 29 2014, 4:31 am

I find that setting tiny do-able tasks helps. Decide on a couple of small Rosh Hashana resolutions that you're going to do this year - something that you know you can keep to, and that by next year you'll see that you've made progress. just some examples: before you surf the internet, you're going to say one perek of tehillim (and keep a sefer tehillim by the computer, so that you don't have to go searching for one beforehand). Or, you're going to say 'asher yatzar' standing still after going to the bathroom, instead of while walking back to the kitchen. But it can't be things that you'l never stick to, cos then you'll just give up, like you can't say I'll go to an hour shiur once a week, if you know you'll never be able to get out.

coconutbutter

Mon, Sep 29 2014, 4:44 am

HUGS.

I think most of us feel the same way. I want to begin by saying, you should give yourself tremendous credit for recognizing this "lacking" and see that you are not truly asleep because you desire to do better and recognize you are missing something. It is extremely difficult to hold on to the Seminary inspiration but you long for it nonetheless because we intrinsically love the spiritual high, and our Neshama seeks to get back there.

Maybe you'd consider reconnecting with a teacher from Seminary. Oftentimes, when you come back to that source which inspired you to begin with, you are able to reconnect to that spark.

If you are uncomfortable (which you shouldn't be, even if you have not kept in touch for years, they will be happy to reconnect and guide you) though, maybe just find a group of woman like yourself and make some time to learn something together. I know there are countless women who are also seeking guidance and reawakening and sometimes all you need is one another to share the desire, and grow in a comfortable setting with like minded, growth-oriented women like yourself.

Wishing you much Hatzlacha, and thanks for sharing this on here....I have been feeling down on myself as well, and this was a nice wake up call to take some actions as well.

Twinster

Mon, Sep 29 2014, 9:01 am

I don't know where you are, but have you heard of Chazak? Once in a while (when I get into that rut) I listen to Rabbi Dovid Ashir on Chazak. He gives daily (or every second day) 5-minute shiurim on emunah/bitachon. I don't have lots of patience for long shiurim, but since this is only 5 minutes, it's easy, quick, and always drives the point home.

Just yesterday I felt like that - in a spiritual rut, unmotivated etc. And his shiur was just what I needed.