How do you feel if close relatives/friends change their name

GramaNewYork

Thu, May 17 2007, 11:35 am

Over the years a few people that I am (or was at the time) close with changed their names. They changed them either from English to Jewish or from Hebrew to Hebrew but started using their middle name instead of their first name.

I really dislike when this happens. I feel that a name is a very intimate element of a relationship. If, after years of close interaction with a loved one you have to start calling them by a different name, I feel that it has a negative emotional effect.

I understand why people may want to change their names--I am not saying they shouldn't do it. I'm just asking how it makes you feel if you are close to them.

NotInNJMommy

Thu, May 17 2007, 11:41 am

I don't really care....as long as they forgive me if I slip up...

If someone is going to start using their true (Jewish-byt he Torah given name, or nickname of) I'm all in support of it.

Even if it wasn't, if that's the name they want to go by now, out of ahavas isroel, I'd do as they request.

Mom2Three

Thu, May 17 2007, 11:43 am

I feel the same as NJMommy. It is their name and if they want to use something else (especially if they decide to go by their Hebrew name), I think its great. But yeah, as long as they don't mind when I slip up at first until I get used to their new name.

su7kids

Thu, May 17 2007, 11:44 am

My dh changed hs name. He used to have an English name, whcih of course, his father still uses, but when we came to America and did our citizenship proceedings, they told us we could use that opportunity to officialy change our names.

I didn't, because I don't like my Hebrew name, but he did, and all his official documents are in his hebrew name.

When we lived in israel, I could not get used to calling him by his Hebrew name, I always used to use the English name.

When we came here, it just clicked, and I don't even think of him as that "person" anymore.

My late mother and his father are/were the only "stubborn" ones. Even his cousins who know him all his life are slowly changing over.

I love it! But it wasn't easy!

But, when I got married I changed my name. I became HIS last name!!

cdawnr

Thu, May 17 2007, 11:59 am

I started using my Hebrew name about 10 years ago.

Legally, I still use my English name however.

My mom and some of my other relatives still use my English name and I am totally cool with that. I think everyone is right, if I choose to change my name, great, just don't get upset with people who forget or who have trouble with it.

Seraph

Thu, May 17 2007, 12:23 pm

My husband used to be known by his nickname, but now would rather be called by his whole name. I can't get comfortable calling him his whole name- seeing as I've already been calling him his nickname for 5 years. Maybe slowly I'll be able to call him his full name.

GramaNewYork

Thu, May 17 2007, 12:32 pm

Breslov, you seem to be the only one that understands me on this.

Su7Kids, it seems like you did have the same problem...when you changed countries (and therefore cultures, enviroment, lifestyle) it was easy for you to switch, but while you were in the same atmosphere that you built your bond in, it was hard for you.

Others are saying they support people when they change their names (who doesn't!?) but I didn't notice if they said that someone close to them changed their name so they know how it feels or they just "support" it in theory.

Ruchel

Thu, May 17 2007, 12:37 pm

I don't mind when people start wanting to use their Jewish name or their secular one, but when they make up a whole new thing without any reason, it is a bit weird... one of my cousins did that, she hated her name so she wants to be called something else, although there are some similarities, think Merav _ Eva. I still call her the real name.

It must also be hard for the person.... I switch between my heb, yiddish and French name without thinking, but if I had to start getting used to, I dunno... Charlotte, it would be VERY weird and "not me"...

LubavitchLeah

Thu, May 17 2007, 12:39 pm

I think it is wonderful when a yid who has a "non jewish" name, an english one, starts using his hebrew/Torah name. A name is our essence, it defines our qualities and we thus take on those characteristics. This is not a symbolic concept, it is very real, that ones Mazel or life can change with ones name. At the same time, I wont judge a yid who keeps their english name but I will applaud one who uses a more Torahdik name.

My parents gave me an english and a Torahdik name. I have been called both, parents use the english. I personaly prefer my hebrew name, its become more connected to me with the years. I dont ever ever correct or make anyone aware of this, if they call me x or y thats fine. I know it can be strange for some to get used to another name, however because I believe so strongly in the persons essence connected to their name , I would never allow little superficial uncomfortableness get in the way of using the holy name. Its a process, we slowly begin to take on that "name" with use and time.

GramaNewYork

Thu, May 17 2007, 12:49 pm

LL: I would never allow little superficial uncomfortableness get in the way of using the holy name.

LL, I'm sorry that you think I'm superficial because I bonded with someone and part of their essence was the name I bonded with them at the time.

Wow, I've never heard myself referred to as superficial before...I've heard sensitive, passionate, generous, concerned. I've heard "not too bright" (I said that), a little OCD. Boy, I really need to take a good look in the mirror!

Mom2Three

Thu, May 17 2007, 1:12 pm

GramaNewYork wrote:

My husband and my daughter both changed their names (my daughter will do so legally when we get the money together). I didn't start to get religious until later in my life, my other children have names that are Hebrew but work in English as well. So, she began to use her Hebrew name and my husband recently decided to do so. I admit that I still forget and call him by his 'original' name, but I'm trying to get used to it. He's still the same guy Smile

Meema2Kids

Thu, May 17 2007, 1:18 pm

Two of my siblings, and my husband and I all changed to our Jewish names in the last several years. It was hard at first to remember. When I first started calling DH by his Jewish name, I would only use his English name when I was angry at him LOL. It is kind of annoying when people close to me use my English name, because that's not who I am anymore.

When we came back to the US and DH started a new job, he used his Jewish name. I think he should legally change it, because he uses it professionally but on his prof. license, etc it says his English name.

However, I don't know anyone who has changed their name besides using their Jewish name. I don't think I would be as accepting of that but I guess it's their decision.

Last edited by Meema2Kids on Thu, May 17 2007, 1:19 pm; edited 1 time in total

bashinda

Thu, May 17 2007, 1:18 pm

I think your post makes sense. A name is more for other people than the you because it's how you present yourself to the world so if you suddenly change your name it's a shock to other people. So I'm not surprised it's difficult for you, GramaNewYork.

I did change my name both legally and for my use because I figured I was changing it anyway (I was getting married) so why not. It was a pain but now that it's done it's nice to see my Hebrew name on all my documents. Although it's messed up getting social security cards for the babies which is kind of annoying. ( Banging head

NYC bureaucracy!)

I kept my expectations very low about relatives calling me by my Hebrew name and never asked anyone to call me by my Hebrew name but somehow pretty much everyone did even my bubbe. I thought people would make an issue of it but nobody really did.

Bambamama

Thu, May 17 2007, 1:41 pm

I don't think LL was calling you superficial... I think her point was just if someone's preference is to be called by their Jewish name, the spiritual benefits of that outweigh the discomfort you may temporarily feel while getting used to the new name.

I know what it's like to have a close friend change their name. I wanted to continue calling her by her English name because suddenly calling her something else felt unnatural, forced... just plain weird. But now I am used to it. At the time she said, listen, I know it's weird for you, so if you want to keep calling me xxxx that's fine. But I prefer if you try to get used to my Hebrew name. So of course I respected that.

amother

Thu, May 17 2007, 1:44 pm

I def. agree that it is uncomfortable, especially if its an adult who was called differently all her life and you're very close with them.

When we were kids, we all had nicknames (some very queer). As my brothers got older- like 10-12, they decided it was too babyish and wanted to be called by their real name. It was very hard for us and it took quite a while to get used to.

TzenaRena

Thu, May 17 2007, 1:57 pm

GramaNewYork wrote:

Cmon GramaNY you are really putting words into LL's mouth. Well, probably you re-read her post by now, and realized that all she meant was this:

explanation:
superficial - on the surface. the uncomfortable feeling of changing the way you call someone is on the surface, but the benefits of using the Jewish name are deep and of value.

LubavitchLeah

Thu, May 17 2007, 1:59 pm

Gramanewyork, I do so apologise for hurting your feelings. It was the farthest thing from my mind. I was more tactlessly trying to make a point, a general point not a personal one. Please forgive me for offending you. I do appreciate your feelings here because they make perfect sense, I just wanted to say exactly what Bambama says below but in a clearer way.

Bambamama said far more articulately EXACTLY what I was trying to say here:

""I don't think LL was calling you superficial... I think her point was just if someone's preference is to be called by their Jewish name, the spiritual benefits of that outweigh the discomfort you may temporarily feel while getting used to the new name. ""

I definitly would never demand, expect or remind anyone to use my hebrew name if they did not do it automaticaly. It is my preference to use it, but its far worse to make someone else embarrassed or uncomfortable.
Ive even had very old friends ask me, if if they should try to call my a different name and I always respond whatever they are comfortable with.