What to do when You've Really, Royally Messed Up?

mimivan

Thu, Jun 28 2007, 12:39 pm

I'm going to leave this open so many women can give their insights into various situations...

What does a mother do when she feels she has really done something awful to her kids?

This might include yelling over nothing, giving a patch hastily after trying to control her anger ...

Or making a decision which seemed right at the time but turned out to be ruinous

Or a consistent tendency, unconsciously favoring one child over the other..

What is a mother to do when she surveys the damage...when she works on herself and falls back into an old habit, or realizes that what she has done, in a hasty moment or through the years, has served to mould young minds and hearts and can never be reversed.

"Don't beat yourself up?" How???

Any insights, experiences, coping mechanism, stories etc... will be much appreciated..as well as examples big and small.

mimivan

Thu, Jun 28 2007, 1:20 pm

FirstTimeMommy wrote:

push past the guilt and do better in the future. a mistake is a mistake. if you fill your chilren's lives with good things then the times you "messed up" will not be the memories that shape their childhood.

I read in one chinuch book that one inappropriate punishment will be remembered by a child much more than 100 kisses and hugs.. Crying

mimivan

Thu, Jun 28 2007, 1:33 pm

Ruchel...thanks... you know, I think I want to write that author a letter...I think it is just mussar and how does he know every single child will remember one nutzoid session over 100 kisses??? I mean, does that guilt actually help improve behavior? I think it would make one give up hope..

My issue is I have a tendency toward anger which I try to control but I find it hard, especially with the 3 year old age group because they are begining to really know what they are doing..(or do they?)

Other issues is I have made some major choices based on advice I have been given... what to do when you make the "wrong" one (I.e. deciding which language to speak to your kid, which school to send him to, keeping him in gan, or keeping him at home?)

TammyTammy

Thu, Jun 28 2007, 1:41 pm

Everyone makes mistakes. If you've punished your kid in a way that was undeserved (or overly harsh), you can go a long way by apologizing. Of course, this depends on the maturity level of your kids (apologizing to a one-year old doesn't really do much).

By saying your sorry for things you've done wrong, you show your kids the following:

1. That you are human too and that you, too, can make mistakes. This is valuable because there will be times when your kids mess up and they will hopefully realize that you, too, may have been in this situation once and can empathize and understand their predicament.

2. That saying "you're sorry" for doing something wrong is the right thing to do. When you show that you are not "above the law" in these matters, it makes a big impression in your children that they, too, have to do these things. Children pick up on hypocrisy very easily, and if they see that they have to apologize for wrongs while you don't, they will quickly learn that apologizing for doing wrong is not important.

3. It makes them realize that you are showing them some respect and acknowledging (and validating) their feelings. Children who are respected tend to respect their parents more.

4. It will help mitigate their memories of the bad event. I remember very well the time someone in the market pushed me and waltzed on as if nothing happened, but I don't remember at all the dozens of other times that I've been pushed and the person sincerely apologized. If you're afraid that your children will remember the extra potch negatively, you can remove some of the negativity by apologizing.

In short, don't be afraid to say "I'm sorry" to your kids. You won't lose their respect... you'll gain even more of it.

Tammy

shoshb

Thu, Jun 28 2007, 1:41 pm

mimi, it's very hard to make changes like "try not to get too angry", or "be nicer".
Try to institute one or two very specific behaviors to change. For example, "count to 10 before screaming at the kids". With any luck, by the time you reach 10, you've found a better way to handle it.
Or "Make sure the kids get a warning before giving a putch".
Good Luck.

Ruchel

Thu, Jun 28 2007, 1:47 pm

Quote:

Even if I believed him I wouldn't say that. Of course it's so bad to say it.
You know why I think it's not true?
Maybe you've seen how I love my parents and that I still live with them? Well guess what, I remember times when they lost their tempers (not so often, but still), I remember times when I felt it was unfair, I remember even slaps (yes in France it's not such a big deal but it's not nice even when "deserved").

Quote:

My issue is I have a tendency toward anger which I try to control but I find it hard, especially with the 3 year old age group because they are begining to really know what they are doing..(or do they?)

what can I say. I understand you. Sometimes I lose my temper too (not on dd).

Quote:

Other issues is I have made some major choices based on advice I have been given... what to do when you make the "wrong" one (I.e. deciding which language to speak to your kid, which school to send him to, keeping him in gan, or keeping him at home?)

I do not think these choices can scarr a child for life. Introduce another language if you feel like it, change school if not happy, send to gan/keep home if things don't go well... we all have to make choice, we cannot be sure it's the best, so we try and hope it is Smile

amother

Thu, Jun 28 2007, 1:56 pm

When my son was 5 years old, upon the advice from more 'experienced' people (a therapist included) I permanently 'took away' my son's pacifier. He asked to have it and I saixd he's a 'big boy', etc. My heart ached, yet I
'knew' I had to do it for the good of his dental health, etc. He had trouble falling asleep at night without his pacifier, he was nervous when he came home from cheder, cuz he didn't have his pacy to soothe him.

I have since deeply regretted that choice and it is way too late to make amends. REcently, my six-year-old daughter was talking about when to get rid of her pacy. I said to her that as long as she felt a need for it she can have it and that she will know when she can go without it. I then turned to my now 14-year-old son and said, ''when you were five years old I listened to the advice of people who told me I needed to get rid of your pacy. I was a young mother then and thought that is how it should be. I so regret that I took it away before you were ready. If I could go back in time I would let you have it for as long as you needed to."

Also, a number of years ago I was going through a crisis and I was extremely overwhelmed and was hitting my then 4-yr-old child. I got myself into therapy and things calmed down. Some time later he told me he remembers how I used to hit him. I said I remember it too and I imagine how it must've hurt. I told him I deeply regret having hurt him, as I do love and care about him. That a mother who cares about her child ought not to hit him. And that I have since learned ways to deal with my anger. I promised I would never hit him as I had.

I once asked a t, how to make amends to my child whom I have hurt. The short answer was, ''Stop doing it"

Tefila

Thu, Jun 28 2007, 2:48 pm

Mimi and us all Wink

work on positive memories since essentially that is what kids will remember as adults if they have had them.So though we should be careful to do things right to begin with but atleast if we compensate with hugs and kisses and trips etc then hopefully it will outway our faults Confused

Also never imo be shy to acknowledge to your child teen you are sorry if you taka were wrong.

summary: work on creating good memories too Exclamation

btMOMtoFFBs

Fri, Jun 29 2007, 3:37 am

Mimi,

I attend a weekly, Torah-based, parenting class (on the phone) that deals with gaining a child's cooperation, consequencing children and helping mothers gain perspective on children's behavior. It has helped me tremendously.

The teacher is phenomenal - very learned, experienced and funny. She's been teaching like this for (at least) 5 years. The material is all "how to" tips and very le-maaiseh -based on Rav Wolbe's chinuch philosophies.

You or anyone else who is interested can PM me and I'll give you the contact information. There's a new class starting in July.

greenfire

Fri, Jun 29 2007, 6:21 am

memory is a harsh gift ... it makes us sad, nostaligic, but keeps us angry and hateful too ... what we need to remember is that we all try the best we can ... but don't ever give up and always aim for that balance of love, acceptance, empathy, and understanding of other's shortcomings ... we all have good and bad ... keep reaching for the good ... keep hoping and praying and reaching for the right path ... it is our only hope!!!

Mevater

Fri, Jun 29 2007, 6:38 am

btMOMtoFFBs wrote:

Mimi, I attend a weekly, Torah-based, parenting class (on the phone) that deals with gaining a child's cooperation, consequencing children and helping mothers gain perspective on children's behavior. It has helped me tremendously. ...................................You or anyone else who is interested can PM me and I'll give you the contact information.

Why not publicize it? It sounds very interesting. What does it cost?

songbliss

Fri, Jun 29 2007, 6:52 am

I agree that sorry is the 1st thing that should be on you're mind. a child will always remember that as well as the hitting.

I also remember one time my father overreacted and hit me alot.. I was 4 years old and I remember it like it was yesterday... but I also respect him because whenever he is wrong he DOES apologize, and I now understand that he could've had a hard day, and its normal to overreact sometimes... so I'm not mad about it or have any hard feelings... also it only happened once!

its important if you see u overreacted to stop and start again.. sometimes I know I overreact with my son & he's only 10 months! its hard sometimes because he can get very excited & hyper... & he's very smart 4 his age. but I still go to him and I tell him nicely, that I'm sorry I got very upset, and I explain to him that sometimes mommy's get tired & its hard when children misbehave. I know he's little, but he's so yummy b/c he always gives me a hug after like... its ok Very Happy

it tough & tougher 2 do the right thing, but as long as u teach ur child that its possible that u can be wrong, and ur still human, thats the important part. you'll also teach him/her how to behave when the time comes!!

good luck!! we all need it Very Happy

su7kids

Fri, Jun 29 2007, 8:00 am

I'm debating about this "sorry" idea. If you hit your child and then say you're sorry right away, its the behavior of abusive people.

I think there is a way to apologize without making the child feel that whatever they did was OK. Sometimes we hit them when they just are being themselves, and normal little kids, but I also think there are degrees to sorry.

Don't do a "sorry" and then reward with hugs and kisses and extra treats, otherwise they'll learn to behave in that manner to deal with the "short term" pain of a putch, so they can get the long term benefit of the hugs and kisses and extra treats.

I think they should get that extra stuff anyway, and not as part of the "sorry".

I also found sometimes walking away was the right thing to do. And then come back and hadn out the "discipline" when YOU are calmer.