If one parent is abusive...

amother

Olive

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 7:49 pm

...can the children still grow up ok?

I am in therapy, and working everyday to make the home a happier place. My kids are still very young. My dh yells at them more often then he uses a normal tone of voice. He tries to involve them when he's annoyed with me.

Am I messing up my kids by staying married to him?

One dc became very clingy to me, and jumps every time dh talks.
One is showing signs of anxiety (social, biting and picking nails, noises)

mummiedearest

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 7:52 pm

you may very well be messing them up by staying with them. he's obviously messing them up. are you protecting them somehow? is your husband in therapy?

I don't think the children can grow up 100% ok. some kids are more functional than others, but I wouldn't expect miracles.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 7:52 pm

Is there any way you can convince DH to go for therapy? Sounds like he needs it more than you.

What's your relationship with DH like?

amother

Olive

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 7:59 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

They are still young. I am recovering from something major right now. I won't have my strength back at least for a few months.

I depend on him a lot. I just read that thread about "the spoon theory"-I suddenly run out of spoons, and need him to take over.
We are getting help that we can't afford, but we are getting it, so I shouldn't have to rely on him.

He is one of those who refuses therapy. We were in a very bad place until I decided that I don't care what he thinks, and I started going.

mummiedearest

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 8:04 pm

amother wrote:

I'm sorry for your troubles. I hope things get better for your family.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 8:07 pm

amother wrote:

I doubt now is the time to think about divorce. It's good that you're in therapy. Keep going and you will lean more about yourself, your needs and your strengths. When you are feeling better and know more, you will be more able to make the decision.

Is there anyone your husband listens to that you can go to? Maybe such a person can influence him towards therapy.

Lady Bug

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 8:15 pm

If he is abusive to the kids, then he's abusive to you as well, I'm sure.

Just keep on doing what you need to for yourself until you are strong enough to leave. What your kids need most right now is a strong, healthy mommy.

Regarding your kids' future, that one is tough. There is no way that they won't be affected by this. What you need to remember right now, is that God has no grandchildren. He chose this situation for your children, and he will take care if them through it all.

Also, therapy for your children now, to help them process and express what they are feeling, is a very good idea. There are a lot of excellent therapists for children that accept insurance.

sourstix

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 8:37 pm

does he yell at you? that is something I wouldnt tolerate. you need to take care of yourself. is he good to them as well? does he do anything positive with them?

amother

Olive

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 8:54 pm

sourstix wrote:

does he yell at you? that is something I wouldnt tolerate. you need to take care of yourself. is he good to them as well? does he do anything positive with them?

He doesn't yell at me. I raise my voice at him more than he at me. I am working very hard to stop it.
Yes, our shalom bayit is at the bottom of a slippery slope right now. It's a huge challenge.
He has a very hard time accepting any criticism, even his own, so he blames everyone but himself, but doesn't cut anyone any slack.

Yes, he is also good to them.
He just gets overwhelmed easily and yells.
Then he learned to use the yelling and put downs, because it gets a quicker response.

imasinger

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 10:06 pm

It sounds like, in insisting on therapy for yourself, you have made a powerful and empowering choice.

I suggest you ride with it for a while, until you have complete clarity.

The problem in your currrent assessment is that kids also exhibit signs of stress when parents separate. So, basing a decision on kid anxiety and stress symptoms may not be helpful.

Take enough time and space to grow, to observe, to think. See if you can find resources to help the kids in the meantime.

Given what you describe, it sounds like there is not an immediate reason to leave, and the kids might benefit from your clarity and calm as you contnue to do your own therapeutic work.

CPenzias

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 10:10 pm

It's better to be from a broken home then live in one. Hope things get better. I grew up with lots of screaming and physical abuse in the house. It was,awful. My parents finally divorced after I was married

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 10:18 pm

I dont know about your situation, but is just yelling a lot considered abusive? I didnt think it was that uncommon to yell. (I know its not ideal)

amother

Olive

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 10:41 pm

amother wrote:

I dont know about your situation, but is just yelling a lot considered abusive? I didnt think it was that uncommon to yell. (I know its not ideal)

I don't know. If someone yelled at you in the street...

What if they yell at you everyday?

What if you are not mature enough to figure out what to do different that the parent won't yell?

Do you like to get yelled at?

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Oct 08 2015, 1:34 pm

I stayed until it was too late and while most of my kids are fine, one isn't. Really isn't fine. I wish every day that I left sooner.

shoshana2

Thu, Oct 08 2015, 9:41 pm

Please make sure you tell your kids that they are ok and the yelling is Daddy's problem. They must not internalize the abuse and they need you to constantly reality check for them. Give them tons of support, validation and encouragement and explain to them that Daddy needs help His abuse has nothing to do with them or anything they did.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Oct 08 2015, 11:43 pm

I live with this question every day. There is no perfect home, and there are 0 gurantees that you children will be ok in a near perfect one!
Im glad you took the courage to seek professional help on your own!
It took me years but boy it's one of the best things I did for myself AND the children.

I just try to be the very best mother I could be to my children every single day.
I try to accept the challenges that Hashem mapped out for their personal growth.

Just focus on showering them with love, warmth, and genuine compliments.
And pray!!! even in your own words.
Hugs!!!!!

yogabird

Thu, Oct 08 2015, 11:52 pm

amother wrote:

Right. And what about if the yelling consistently contains insults, criticism and belittling comments?