Who does one turn to?

Bitachon101

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 1:15 pm

OK, obviously the One Above is the ultimate One to turn to.

But in terms of hishtadlus... When its just not cutting it and you have to live regardless of if u can afford to live, who do you speak to for help?

When you are sick... You go to a doctor
When you need advice... You go to an advisor
When you need emotional support... You go to a therapist

When there is no money to live off of... Who do you go to?

I just got my paycheck for the month plus an extra $500 gift that a family member gave us a few weeks ago that we hoped not to have to use and between rent and overdue bills on basics there is nothing left. More than nothing left, still have more bills to pay.
But its only Dec 2! Which means no more income for rest of the month.
Which means um, yeah, um, not sure what it means.
Dh still not making money. He's given up on his sales job, tried unsuccessfully to find others to no avail, and won't do just any job that he feels uncomfortable about (like working in a grocery store etc...).

It's been a roller coaster as many of you have seen in my posts and I try so hard to stay strong.
But now what?

There is no doctor for making it through the month financially... Right?

I know the job organizations, no need to list them. They all do great things, but none of them can help us in the short term right now (Hashem please help it be short term)!!!

And so back to my question... Who does one turn to hishtadlusly while simultaneously turning to Hashem as I continue to do?

I'm not complaining. I BH have so much to be thankful for. Hugs are great, but I'm asking a real question. Is there anyone that knows of a solid answer?
Thanks.

rachelle613

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 1:23 pm

So, other than tzedoka, I don't think there's any simple answer.

How about talking to a financial advisor? (from a tzedoka organisation) Ask them what they can recommend...maybe even start a new career and take some loans to cover you for the meantime? Keep davening. Hashem will help, I'yh it'll be sooner rather than later...

nicole81

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 1:39 pm

You turn to yourself.

You're the only one who can help yourself remedy a financial bind, and you and your husband need to have the mindset of taking responsibility for finances and coming up with a long term plan. I think rachelle gave good advice re: talking to a financial advisor to perhaps help you live better within your means, and even taking student loans to allow you to increase your earnings. I did that and BH it worked amazingly well. But no one can help you make money problems go away... if it's short term, perhaps you can get a gemach loan or tzedaka, but ultimately you and your husband have to look at where the shortfalls are, and come up with a plan to address them.

The fact that your husband has given up on his current job and won't take just anything to bring in money tells me that you need to turn to him to do his part, and perhaps he needs to turn towards therapy as well. I cannot understand a man who would rather force his family into poverty and knowingly allow them to be unable to pay the rent, rather than take any sort of job to bring in an income.

jerseygirl

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 2:18 pm

What about driving for UBER? You can basically stay anonymous and still make some money. I don't know the details, but he might be more comfortable with that than working in a grocery store.. also, he can work when he wants and still have time for interviews for a real job (this is presuming that you have a car).

mha3484

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 2:35 pm

I always like to throw out this idea because I have seen it work with myself and some others. We did away with a lot of the gender roles. Personality wise, I am much more suited to work full time than DH so I have the full time salaried job and he works for himself and does the bulk of the child care. This arrangement has saved us a lot of money the past few years.

underthestars

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 2:40 pm

Bitachon101, I really feel for you. Many of us are in the same position, and really don't have anyone to turn to (other than Hashem). It is very hard to keep smiling, when there is not enough money to pay the bills and put food on the table (and that is when you are working very hard!).

I send you hugs Hug

I really understand since I am in the same boat!! Wishing you a solution (quickly!!) and hoping that maybe a lottery ticket can come your way Very Happy

amother

Mustard

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 2:45 pm

nicole81 wrote:

SNIP

I cannot understand a man who would rather force his family into poverty and knowingly allow them to be unable to pay the rent, rather than take any sort of job to bring in an income.

Meet my husband. $75,000 in debt and he won't take just "any job." Long term kollel and parental support for over a decade played a huge part in it by indoctrinating the "I-am-better-than-this" attitude.

lfab

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 2:55 pm

First I wanted to send you hugs. Been there and it is very very tough. I remember once going to the ATM to get $40 out to buy groceries and there not being enough in the account to cover the transaction.
For the immediate situation do what you need to to get through the next few months. If eligible sign up for medicaid, WIC, and Food stamps. In general I am not a proponet of using these systems but when needed they can be a god send. I remember when my husband and I were both in school and we had very little income I was initially too proud to go on food stamps. But after having my second child we were forced to and it literally saved us. As soon as I started working we went off. There is an organization in the 5 Towns/Far Rockaway called Achiezer that can help you determine what you are eligible for and help you apply. Sruli Miller is wonderful (he helped us apply for Medicaid and was very helpful). Obviously, this is if you are in the NY area. Otherwise find out if there is something similiar in your community.
For the long term you and DH need to figure out a way to increase income so that you are not living paycheck to not even the next paycheck. For your families sake don't be too proud to take the help that you currently need.
Hang in there. Hopefully things will get better soon.

nicole81

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 2:56 pm

amother wrote:

Ugh, I'm sorry.

I honestly wouldn't stay married to a man like this unless his salary wasn't necessary and he was willing to do all the cooking, cleaning, and childcare. But if I was married to someone like this, I would do whatever it took to increase my earnings potential and not need a husband's support (which I happen to think is important for every woman, as you never know what can happen in a marriage and in life).

nywife

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 3:24 pm

I hope this doesn't come out too harsh.

Hishtadlus means effort, which means putting in 100%. Not taking a job that is legal and ethical because you feel it is beneath you is not considered full hishtadlus. Your DH should take any job he can. Bagging groceries or putting items on shelves BRINGS IN A PAYCHECK.

Providing for ones family (in a legal and moral manner) is the highly respectable, no matter what society says.

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 3:26 pm

nywife wrote:

What is OP supposed to do about it?? This isn't imafather, you know. He is the one shirking his responsibilities.

Simple1

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 3:37 pm

if your dh is cut out for teaching, he can call some schools to see if they're looking for people to add to their subbing lists. It may bring in some extra pocket money till he gets something permanent.

Regarding whom to turn to - do you both have a Rav or mentor you can call. You never know what kind of advice or resources he can point you to.

nicole81

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 3:44 pm

amother wrote:

OP, I'm also looking for a money tree.

I left my mentally ill abusive husband, and I only have a part time job. Whichever jobs I applied for will not cover my expenses. I don't know what to do.

Someone above suggested the OP take out student loans while obtaining an education that would increase their earnings.

I was a single mom and I did just that. My job paid for the basics, but I could not afford everything for myself and my kids (never got a dime of child support) so I took out loans in considerable excess of my tuition and used them to help get by while furthering my career. It was really difficult to do, but was absolutely worth it. Perhaps this is a possibility for you?

Quote:

What is OP supposed to do about it?? This isn't imafather, you know. He is the one shirking his responsibilities.

It's up to both spouses to ensure there's enough money to go around. If someone is willing to stay married to a man who refuses to help support the household, then they need to go above and beyond to bring in income. I would treat this situation much like I approached life as a single mother.

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 3:51 pm

Nicole, I am in school part time, in a distance learning program. I just started so it will take me a good few years till I can start earning enough to support myself. Rent is ridiculously expensive. Until the separation is legalized I don't know how I can apply to government programs.

I like the student loan idea, I just have a ton of debt from credit cards that he opened in my name. I will need to find out what my legal options are.

nywife

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 3:56 pm

amother wrote:

What is OP supposed to do about it?? This isn't imafather, you know. He is the one shirking his responsibilities.

I agree that it's a tough situation and I really do empathize with OP. However, she is in a situation that can get really bad really fast. She has to pull the big guns here. Maybe it means going with her husband to a therapist or a Rav or anyone else who can shake him. As a partner in the marriage she has the authority to put her foot down.

nicole81

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 4:00 pm

amother wrote:

I like the student loan idea, I just have a ton of debt from credit cards that he opened in my name. I will need to find out what my legal options are.

Yeah definitely sort that out, whether it's through divorce, bankruptcy, or some other option that might be available. I was dealing with marital debt as well during my separation and divorce (and still am to an extent) but still look into the loans. I took out federal loans so my credit wasn't an issue, and they allowed me to pay back on an income-contingent basis when my earnings weren't so high. It might be doable for you.

amother

Sapphire

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 4:19 pm

For this month you are totally in a bind. I don't think there is much to do other than borrow.

For next month. Don't pay any of your bills totally. So don't pay your electric bill all the way. Only pay the proportionate amount of your paycheck. Then you can make it through the month

Month 2 - same thing but put something $50 aside for problems

Month 3 - hopefully you can get through the month. The two months of late bills will remain until your husband finds something. but at least the money will last through the month

This is the best you can do.

shoshanim999

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 4:43 pm

nywife wrote:

I think you need to reread OP's post. She said she's working and her husband wasn't successful in sales and hasn't been able to find another job. She didn't say her DH is sitting on the couch waiting for something to land at his doorstep. Also, While I agree that ANY job in theory is better than nothing, we all know that if her husband was working and making $10 an hour she would have the EXACT same post asking for ideas how to survive because she doesn't have enough money to pay the bills.