Is there something wrong?

amother

Lemon

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 11:33 pm

I feel like there is something wrong with me
how does anyone manage without cleaning help?
I dont and I am so upset.
dh doesnt want them
I have 2 kids under the age of 7
I have 5 bedrooms, dining room, living room. 21/2 bathsrooms. and I just dont manage.
I know I spend too much time on imamother.
I dont know why I justt dont manage.
I dont have a schedule.
I mean I do have a rough one. I take care of my kids I cook supper. but I dont wash dishes every night. I dont wash laundry and get done with it. ds has encopresis, he wets his clothes. he bedwets I hve a lot of laudry from that. but I still dont change my linen more then oncein a couple of months! whats wrong with me. I know I am going to get criticized here and I will be very upset. but please be kind when you criticize me. ds is not up to par in english so I do a program with him every day for about 45 minutes to get him to be up to par. I mean I think I am a pretty good mom. but I just dont manage my house well enough. I know it. I think dh isnt happy with the way it looks. he wants me to be more in charge of it and I dont.
I was never a organized type. I am pretty bad at it.
I dont have a lot of motivation either. I guess noone has to clean their house. I get distracted quickly and give up fast. and I know it. I try to be kind to myself and know that that is me.
I think I have to have a perfect house and everyone has a clean house but me. I compare myself and I hate it.
please tell me that I am perfectly imperfect. that I dont always need to be in the mood. I am much happier when I am self disciplined and do my work. I dont wanto cleanup every night knowing my kids and dh will just make another mess. it wont last. but dh says if I clean then others will also keep clean. I just dont understand that one. how are my kids going to clean because I clean?
I think he wants something from me I think he wants me to tidy up everynight but I am just not interested. I dont feel like I will have anything from it. can someone help me figure out what I will get from it.
I am rambling I am very tired now. I hope I sound clear

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 11:50 pm

Some people have a clean house, but not such great parenting.
You seem like a good mom but not so good of a cleaner. That's fine.
Very few have it all perfectly together.

Dishes you should wash every night.
Sweep your kitchen floor every night and move toys out of the way.
Laundry should have some type of schedule in your house.
Straighten up every room a bit every MORNING. Not perfectly, just make it look neat.
Other than that, do as you get into the mood.

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 11:50 pm

Nothing is wrong with you. You are normal.
I have found making a schedule helps. One day is bathroom day. One kitchen. One load of laundry a day (do 2 if it's a "wet one" for your son). Fold immediately.
Aslobcomesclean is a great blog. I read it and found it helps.
It's hard when you have a ton on your plate. Can yo get someone to help once a week?
How old are your kids? Can they be enlisted to help? Even my 2 year old can help me clean up toys (and has been helping for 6 months). Why can't your husband help out?

amother

Lemon

Fri, Dec 18 2015, 12:01 am

so dh does help me on fridays and erev yt'. but lately I have less help from him. hes more busy at work.
ds is 7. yes he gives me his laundry. and he kind of helps a little before shabbos. but not much.
the other problem with him is that he takes things out and doesnt put them back. like drinks from the fridge.
he leaves his cups all over the counter.
ok I also dont put things back. so theres a mess from me and my kids and some from dh

spring13

Fri, Dec 18 2015, 12:06 am

Ha, welcome to my world. I have fewer bedrooms, but otherwise, yeah. I do SOME kind of cleanup every day but I'm not great at sticking to routines for that kind of thing and I definitely waste a lot of time online. And I can't afford help.

People always say things like "sweep every night! do laundry every Tuesday!", but that's just not how I roll. I do laundry on an as-needed basis, which changes often. My best trick with that lately is to fold and put away my kids' stuff as we're doing the nighttime song and Shema routine. So that's one less basket lying around. I always say I'll change sheets every mikvah night, but somehow things always get complicated and I forget.

If I had better advice, I wouldn't be in the same boat as you. But it doesn't mean that you're a bad mom or wife, just that you're better at other aspects of it. If you can afford someone just once a week or every other week, to do things like floors and bathrooms and changing linens, would that make a difference? I know a lot of people in my neighborhood have daily cleaning, but that would be way excessive to me. I just need a little boost.

m in Israel

Fri, Dec 18 2015, 3:29 am

I think you answered your own question when you said

Quote:

I was never a organized type. I am pretty bad at it.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and you seem to be aware that organization/housekeeping is one of your weaknesses. That's fine. No one is perfect at everything, and in the scheme of things being a poor housekeeper is probably a lot less of a problem than loosing your temper quickly, for example. However as currently you ARE the primary "housekeeper" in your home, you need to figure out how to either strengthen this weakness or get around it. Getting around it would mean enlisting outside help, whether that is hired help (you haven't explained why that is so out of the question), or more help from your husband and kids. Strengthening the weakness means finding strategies to improve this area. There are tons of blogs on the topic, and lots of advice here on imamother. But improving a skill you are weak at takes work and effort -- it has to be worth it for you do do that.

You are perfectly normal and plenty of people struggle with housekeeping. But honestly this should not be about what other people are good or bad at, but rather what you want to be happening in you own home. It sounds like you don't really care if your house is messy, but your husband does. So the two of you need to sit down and decide on what is important and how you are going to get there.

WastingTime

Fri, Dec 18 2015, 4:35 am

OP, YOU'RE OKAY!!
Please don't put so much blame on yourself, it doesn't get you anywhere. ...from personal experience.
I have struggled with house upkeep for MANY yrs. It got almost to the point of depression. Bh there has been a lot of improvement lately, but I am not going to give you a mill tips now. One thing that I've learned...everyone has their stregnths and weaknesses. I have a terrible voice and thereby wouldn't join a choir, unfortunately eventhough I am terrible at housework, I can't just never do it.
As you know accumulated messes get worse and worse (then comes Friday!!!! ) .
First work on accepting yourself and your strengths (therapy helped me personally) . Then if possible do small steps. One tip that helped me ...when I don't wanna do dishes I set a 5 minute timer and tell myself only 5 minutes. By then they're either done or I don't mind finishing .
If you want more tips from someone who's been there feel free to PM me. Part of the problem is the feelings beyond the mess. Don't measure your self worth but the appearance of your home!