Supporting Married Kids - How much

amother

Khaki

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 3:01 pm

My in laws are so so generous with us. They supported us fully the first year while we were both in school. They already owned what is now our house and were renting it out until we took over and we now have title and pay mortgage etc.
They still pay for gas and EZ pass and for cleaning help. Sometimes I wonder if we'd make it without them even though we both have good jobs. I try very hard not to take it for granted especially because I come from a poor family and none of my siblings get help from their in laws or our parents.

tigerwife

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 3:02 pm

amother wrote:

I'm MO but one of my dd's is a BY-type. She's not in the shidduch parsha yet, which is a scene I'm entirely unfamiliar with. I'm going to assume some for of support will be expected, but if I can only give about $500/month for a couple of years, will she be doomed?

No, she will not be doomed. Why would being a BY type make her less able to support herself?

I had a job that supported my husband and I when we got married, and this was before I was using my degree (office job). At one point we were able to make it even with a really high rent. As long as she doesn't have unrealistic expectations of life after marriage, she should be fine.

Chayalle

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 3:08 pm

amother wrote:

As others have said, encourage her to get a degree so that she will be able to contribute to her family income in a meaningful way.

Also, consider that there are many boys from more MO backgrounds that shift to the right and become more yeshivish, too. Your DD will B"EH find a shidduch that is right for her.

Teomima

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 3:36 pm

Dh's parents have helped out with certain unavoidable medical fees he has, and my folks have helped out occasionally, but for the most part we've been supporting ourselves for our whole marriage. I've been working over ten years now, putting dh through nursing school, and I hope to go back to grad school once he starts making enough to take over the expenses.
Being independent has meant putting plans on hold, and living a fairly simple lifestyle, but it's also meant that we've learned how to stand on our own two feet. It hasn't always been easy, but I'm glad we did it, and I hope to raise my children the same way.

amother

Blue

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 3:44 pm

When we got married, I was working and my husband was learning, and both sides gave us $300 a month (for a total of $600) to supplement. We could have made it work on my salary alone, but the extra money made it easier.
When DH entered a professional course, my inlaws paid his tuition.
When DH finished the course and both of us were employed, all support stopped.
When we had our first child, my parents started to give us $300 a month again, because of the added expenses. We didn't ask for it- they simply told us that they would start putting $300 in our bank account again.

thunderstorm

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 4:11 pm

I was handed $150.00 to cover my first grocery shopping expense, after that it was me and my husband on our own....my husband was in kollel and I was working (no degree)...we just purchased our first home after 15 yrs of marriage...but it was our own toil and sweat that got us to where we are and I have no negative feelings to either my parents or my in laws who barely have money ....my mother would often give me hand me downs for my children that she collected from friends, since she couldn't "buy" clothes for them and my father in law gave us 3 whole chickens every week that he got for free (he works in shechita and they used to give 5 chickens to him every week). I am grateful for how much both my parents and in laws try to help out even though they are limited.

MagentaYenta

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 4:37 pm

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

Hat's off to your parents and inlaws (and to you and your husband). I can tell that you appreciated those chickens. What a wonderful story to tell your kids.

amother

cornflower

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 4:49 pm

We are almost totally supported by my parents and have been for the past 8 years since we got married. It's a little different as we are not just being handed all the money - DH works hard in the family business and earns a nice salary. But beyond that we are handed additional money to cover tuition and other expenses. Insurance, cell phone, ez pass and more is paid for by parents. They've definitely given us over $500,000 over the past 8 years, including salary and extras (they are bh well off enough to do this for all kids.)

When we were first married we toyed with the idea of moving to a different city with lower expenses as we quickly realized that living in NYC was insane. But my parents insisted that they wanted to help us for as long as it takes for us to become financially independent. (We are both working and still haven't accomplished this.)

It's important to me to be financially independent and we will get there eventually. Until then my very very generous parents are bh able and willing to help us, and we enjoy living close by and seeing each other often.

amother

Babypink

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 5:06 pm

My in laws paid for my husband's schooling, let us use their credit card (they never specified an amount, but we used it for groceries and husband's doctor bills, once our wedding savings were entirely depleted), and bought us a house. They also gave us occasional gifts (monetary and otherwise, such as furniture etc). My parents are poor and can hardly help, although they did give us nearly $200/month when we needed it, and I really appreciate that.
**I'm going to start a spinoff saying that while I appreciate my in laws' help, I think that's what allowed my husband to hold onto his "entitled" attitude and his need for many comforts (luxuries) in life, such as a lot of red meat/eating out, constantly ordering unnecessary things from Amazon, not putting away money to save and is read using it for short term things he wants such as clothing, technology or other items.
I wish he would have learned that not everyone is born into the lap of luxury, and how to make do with less.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 6:28 pm

No formal support. My parents are Conservative, very modern American. They covered my education and living expenses until I was able to support myself, which was around the time I got married. IL's were not in a situation to give financial support other than to provide for dh's education until he was also self-sufficient.

As a wedding gift my parents provided me with use of a family car and insurance for about a year (until the car wore out). They also covered initial moving expenses and provided some hand-me-down furniture.

They have been generous with loans and gifts with all their adult kids. They never supported any of us outright, but have been helpful nonetheless.

My point is that even if parents do not feel comfortable with supporting their adult children outright, there are other ways they can provide financially as they see fit.

amother

Lime

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 6:40 pm

My parents paid for my college (I have a masters) but once I got married, I was on my own. My husband is still learning after 10 years of marriage, although he tutors and works on the computer at nights to bring in extra money. I work very hard, but B"H I love my job.
We have always paid for everything ourselves. Now that we are buying an apt, my parents and in laws gave us some money towards a down payment. We bought on paper (we live in Israel) and our mortgage will be lower than our rent, so with our savings, our parents help and some gemach loans, we are able to cover the down payment. Paying back the gemach and the mortgage will be the same price as rent now.

amother

Linen

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 6:45 pm

My parents and in laws both give around 1,000 a month. This covers our rent (1500) and a bit left over for spending (groceries and gas mainly)
My parents are also paying my full tuition which is SO expensive I cant even write it on here. Think Ivy league.
My in laws are paying DHs tuition which is much cheaper. They also pay car/EZ pass.
We both also work part time but my job is VERY sporadic and low paying, as is his. We are both busy with school.

So to recap, we get 24k a year total from parents (not including tuition). This mainly goes to rent.
I am SO grateful to my parents for their financial support. I don't think of myself as entitled... I do feel guilty sometimes... I cant say that we don't go out to eat (probably around once a month- we are foodies) or buy red meat for shabbos .... The thing is that my parents and in laws encourage this saying its shana rishona, you can go out to eat occasionally, make nice shabbos meals for your friends, etc. I dont go shopping often at all. We dont make big purchases unless my or his parents offer to sponser it.

On one hand, I get annoyed when DH buys chatchkes he doesnt need or expensive food/alcohol. I think we should put away the extra 100 a month we are usually left with. I know we are recieving help, but its not like we are wasting our year having fun. We are working on getting educations that will allow us to be financially independent. Neither of our parents want us to dip into our wedding money.

Alos,neither of our familes are really rich. both upper middle class.

What do you guys think, Are we entitled?

(edited for clarification)

amother

Cerise

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 6:54 pm

My parents fully supported us for the first year of marriage while I was finishing graduate school and dh was in kollel. Once I graduated and got a job, we were more or less on our own (though my parents still paid the $10/month to keep me in their family cell phone plan and I was covered under my father's insurance for a couple extra years, etc.) Ten years later, dh is still learning full time BH (with no immediate plans to stop) and we have made it mostly on our own, except that recently my parents allowed us to move in to a part of a property they happen to own that was empty anyway, so I stopped paying rent and utilities and was able to drastically cut my working hours [the space we live in is way too small for our family size and has many other drawbacks but it's worth it for us to live here if means my husband can keep learning (which be doesn't get paid for) and I only have to work part time].

amother

Lavender

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 8:58 pm

We are MO. We have 4 past HS, b"H. Our older 2 are, MO, and the next 2 are more yeshivish.

The first is unfortunately disabled; got sick, had to leave college, lives with us and can't work or do anything much except go to doctors, is still in a lot of pain. We give her $250/mo allowance, plus pay all her expenses.

The second is completely independent. We paid for her college education, then, 6 or 7 years ago, she began working. We have not discussed whether we will pay for grad school if she chooses to go.

The third more RW, we paid for her (cheap compared to her sisters) BA thru Raizel Reit, and her MA. When she was married (her DH is in kollel), we set aside $1500/mo support for 3 years. As I see it, we gave her about as much as we gave the older ones. Snce her education was so much cheaper, she could use the funds for support and for her future. The other side gave $600 for a couple of years. Once DD got a good job, after about a year, we stopped sending monthly checks and gave them the rest of the money in a lump sum to invest. With the help of their nest egg, they are now able to buy a house.

DS is in yeshiva. We are paying for his BA, which he is working on while he learns. After that, we'll see, but we want him to reach financial independence sooner rather than later.

amother

Beige

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 9:13 pm

We have never been supported by anyone financially since we got married. We have got perks here and there. Bh we were able to pay off dh credit card debt and on our second house already. Married 6.5 years. No college degrees here at all.
My parents have let us and still let us go shopping in their cabinets and both sets don't mind if we come for shabbos so that we can save a bit.
We have also lived for a year by my parents whole out house was being finished.

When my daughter was a baby my mother paid her babysitting (it was an office sitter and I work for her)
I am happy we r on our own 2 feet.

justforfun87

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 9:25 pm

My very secular in laws gave us a $1,000 a month while my dh was in undergrad. We got married at 20 so they considered this payment as how much would be going to dorming except his roomate was his wife. Since we graduated we have been 99% independent. We both happen to still be on our parent's phone bills. If we were ever in a real pinch I am sure they would and can deff afford to lend us money. Luckily it has not come to that.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 9:44 pm

My husband was in law school when we got married. and he did not get a job for a whole year so for the first two years we were on our own. luckily, I had a job with a salary for the first year and we were able to live very nicely on that salary. I had to give it up when I had my baby as it was too many hours for me. My parents paid for my BA degree in full but my MA program was all loans. We only received a few 100 dollar handouts here or there . my father stopped paying all of my credit card bills when I got married.
he s still paying them off to this day (and I had no idea how little money he had until recently. of course I feel bad!) my parents made me a nice wedding and set me up with around 2000 of furniture and paid for my sheitels and all the stuff I needed to set up a house nicely.
my in laws paid 20,000 towards my husband law degree. the rest is all loans (and there are plenty!). they pay our ez pass and car insurance (only for past year). when my husband had no job they would occasionally throw us a 100 when we would come for weekends towards eating out or extras.
Bh. I am grateful. Have no idea how we would live though if I was in graduate school when my husband was not working.