Supporting Married Kids - How much

ruchelbuckle

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 9:48 pm

amother wrote:

I'm MO but one of my dd's is a BY-type. She's not in the shidduch parsha yet, which is a scene I'm entirely unfamiliar with. I'm going to assume some for of support will be expected, but if I can only give about $500/month for a couple of years, will she be doomed?

No, last time I checked.....Hashem also takes care of girls who's parents can "only" give $500 a month. Smile

Yes, believe it or not.....even girls from non-uber wealthy families somehow get married! Smile

You sound like a great mom!!!!

amother

Smokey

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 9:59 pm

B"H we are able to support.
I have 1 son who got supported while he was in Kollel

My DDs were not supported since they married working men that could support a home. That being said, we put away some money to gift them when they are ready to buy a house.

While my son was in kollel we gave him rent, utilities, cell phone and food, approximately $2000
The in laws, who I am very grateful for gave 500 monthly with heart.

Once DS decided to start working, we supported for an extra 6 months until they were more stable. Then we stopped.

Again I am restating, B"H we can afford it.

amother

Emerald

Mon, Dec 21 2015, 11:23 pm

amother wrote:

Over the years I got around 135.000 dollars from my parents in total. Yes they are wealthy. No I didnt ask for any of it . Furthermore money is totally taboo , it's all gifts that come sudden en unexpected

$135 or $135,000?

amother

Mauve

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 12:04 am

I never got any support from either side besides some clothing for my baby when she was born. I also paid for most of my wedding expenses. No regrets and no hard feelings at all. I believe that children should be financially independent.

For the record - I'm chasidish.

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 3:04 am

oliveoil wrote:

How is that minimal? tuition, rent, medical bills and food?

I meant the least amount to survive on. Minimal for food. Nothing fancy. We were on parents insurance so it didn't cost either side more (we paid our own copays). We found a cheap apartment. Our parents were covering this before marriage too since we were in schools too far to commute from home. So instead of us each parent chipping in for 2 apartments/roommate situations we basically just combined the money and "became roommates". They were already paying for tuition and when we said we were thinking about getting engaged, we spoke to our parents individually about how to make it work.

We knew (and know) the value of a dollar. Just because someone else paid the bill didn't mean we were oblivious to prices. We scrimped and saved to purchase anything. We shopped for the best deals, did grocery deals, Couponed etc. if I explained to what extent we did this, our family and friends might identify us.

This is compared to other couples we know who were supported- they had spending money and bought new clothes, shoes, had their sheitel washed, got nails done etc. we didn't. We wore the same stuff, ate lots of beans, and did laundry at very generous friend (brought our own detergent bought with coupons) so we didn't have to pay for the laundromat. Did no extras.

jerusalem613

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 8:09 am

My parents gave us half of an apartment, the other part is mortgaged. We super appreciate it, but dh even though he is so thankful for it, get jealous that my sister who also got half of an apartment gets constant support on top of that... and him who helps my parents very much, does not get anything..
you can never make everyone happy...

amother

Copper

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 8:51 am

We got no support & had little wedding money. DH went to a paying Kollel & I worked . We saved. Fast forward & we supported elderly parents at $60k per year.
We have several married kids now. We give them a nice savings account (we put away from bas/bar mitzva) around $8-$10k & they have their wedding money.
We will help out occasionally before YT & with baby expenses like stroller, clothing, Bris etc & rent help after the baby.
They all appreciate & know that we expect them to make it on their own & that our financial priorities are supporting their grandparents comfortably as they cannot work.
We are comfortable much more than most & cannot understand how people can afford to support 8-10 married kids, make weddings & pay tuition.

greenfire

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 11:03 am

amother wrote:

Eta- rent is 1900$ so that is most of it.... We live in a gorgeous apmt right in the center. I really beleive this affects my quality of life,easier pregnancies etc bc its so fresh and pretty.

my kids got a brand new apt with those heating/air-conditioning units ... for $500 right in the center too ... they felt spoiled but they earned the monies themselves to pay for it

& so I support them doing good and not begging for finances I don't have to offer

amother

Bronze

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 11:20 am

I think it depends where you live.

In NY/NJ in the yeshiva circles I think it used to be accepted for the couple to be receiveing $1000 a month support. Now I heard that it is no less than $1200 a month. I think I rich girl who marries a "top boy" will be getting $2500- $3000 a month but that is not the norm.

My parents offered NOTHING - 20 years ago. I was yeshivish a originally only wanted a learning boy but no one was interested to come near. My parents pushed me to go out with college/working boys but our hashkafos were so different and we could never make it work.

At the end, I was an older single. B"H I am married now but had to settle a lot.

I am upset with the "system" ...very upset but you really can't change things and beat the system. Parents in this circle should never say that they can't offer anything - even if they really can't. Borrow, take another part time job ... do anything you can to help marry off your kids.

SRS

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 4:51 pm

amother wrote:

At the end, I was an older single. B"H I am married now but had to settle a lot.

I am upset with the "system" ...very upset but you really can't change things and beat the system. Parents in this circle should never say that they can't offer anything - even if they really can't. Borrow, take another part time job ... do anything you can to help marry off your kids.

Is this a serious post? What about the older single getting another part time job, borrowing, making a career that makes that single irresistible? Or is it not about money, but about parents providing money?