Have your parents ever turned down your request for money?

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 8:31 pm

I'd be too embarrassed to ask. If as a child they put something away like in a trust fund, then I understand you having money for a house or something like that. Just for everyday bills or even not so typical ones? I cannot understand such a thing. My parents could have tons of money ( I don't know since I haven't seen their bank account), but that's besides the point, I just couldn't bring myself to ask.

amother

Coral

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 8:52 pm

My parents are around 60. They hope to retire in the next 5 - 10 years. I know they have savings. And I hope they have thousands of dollars lying around because how else are they going to live the next 60 years.
I would feel horrible taking a portion of that money (a loan I can understand). Even if a couple is comfortable aren't they entitled to live out the second part of their life without worrying about extra expenses.
If someone has very large assets, and earns a lot of interest or is exceptionally wealthy I can understand spreading the wealth. But for just a regular couple that has savings put aside for their old age I don't see how there is enough to spread the wealthy and live out the rest of their years without becoming a financial burden on their children.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 12:19 am

I think it really boils down to how u were raised. My grandparents give my parents nice money for all birthdays and yom tovsand my parents try to give us as much as possible as well.
Also my parents supported us after we got married so I cud finish school and my husband was in Kollel and now a few years later still help with big ticket purchases cuz they know we x have a lot of savings and want us to save towards a down payment.

It all depends. I know some are shocked how I could ask my parents but I know that my parents WANT to give and no they're not super wealthy but they save for their retirement and give us kids the rest. And yes they do this for all their married kids.
X mean to make anyone jealous or sound spoiled I'm just explaining another point of view on this topic.

amother

Bronze

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 12:26 am

amother wrote:

When an unexpected expense came up, dh asked his parents (they're well off). They said "Go ask Zaidy" (Zaidy still supports our in-laws). So dh went to Zaidy who said "I give enough money to your parents to be able to give you too". Dh ended up borrowing money from someone else and then his family was upset that he asked others. Rolling Eyes

So your in laws aren't really well off...

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 8:53 am

sequoia wrote:

The title of this thread sounds like it belongs on a teenage forum.

Yup.
I actually answered the poll before reading. I assumed it meant ...as a child... so I answered that they said no all the time LOL

That's why I started earning my own money Cool

shoshanim999

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 9:22 am

amother wrote:

this question isn't directed to you, but along this line of thinking.

Why is it more likely that your parents would ha thousands of dollars lying around then you, I'm assuming they have been paying tuition all these years, making bar mitzvahs, saving for retirement, Making weddings). Where does all this spare cash come from?

In 20 years are you going to have thousands of dollars lying around to give you your own children for simchas, repairs, bills, etc?

I actually think the op's question was referring to a situation where financially the parents are able to help. Otherwise, its a ridiculous question- "Have your parents ever turned down your request for financial help when they themselves had no money"? If the parents have no money than how could they help? I think the question is "have your parents ever turned down your request for money when they were able to help but for whatever reason didn't want to"?

shoshanim999

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 9:25 am

amother wrote:

If the utility company was threatening to turn the lights off, you'd ask.
If the water company was threatening to shut the water off, you'd ask.
If you were being threatened with eviction, you'd ask.
If you c'v needed medical treatment that insurance didn't pay for, you'd ask.

baby12x

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 11:11 am

I have never asked but my parents have given us money when we needed (ex. when I lost my job my father gave me an envelope of money before Yom Tov to help with expenses. We didn't ask but they assumed that we would need it (they were right). I wouldn't feel right asking unless it was a major emergency.

MagentaYenta

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 11:43 am

shoshanim999 wrote:

And yet many of us would not ask even under the circumstances you mentioned.

Please don't be so sure about knowing what another individual is going to do under some circumstances.

amother

Sienna

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 12:29 pm

Parents and In-laws don't give generally and we'd NEVER ask.
Very rarely, they'll give us something before yom tov when DH loathes job.

We also don't tell them everything as I know they can't afford to help and don't want them to feel bad.
We've had time we're we didn't have money for food, we've had all utilities shut at various points, foreclosures, major CC debt. I still never asked.

We Bh are doing a bit better, still don't cover every month but cover more than we used to!

shoshanim999

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 1:39 pm

MagentaYenta wrote:

And yet many of us would not ask even under the circumstances you mentioned.

Please don't be so sure about knowing what another individual is going to do under some circumstances.

I don't believe any sane person wouldn't ask for help from parents who could offer to help if the alternative was having the lights and heat turned off in the middle of January.

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 2:15 pm

shoshanim999 wrote:

I don't believe any sane person wouldn't ask for help from parents who could offer to help if the alternative was having the lights and heat turned off in the middle of January.

And most people will do whatever they could to prevent that from ever happening. I know too many people who know money is tight but spend it anyways. Even things that are not really necessary but "we NEED it". For some reason, when people emphasize "need" then they really don't need it. And then their lights are off. Your kid doesn't need a second sweater. Or Shabbos coat. Or even all the extras people buy for Shabbos. Do you really need gefilte fish and liver with eggs with onions and cholent and deli and kugels/sides every week by the day meal? (way too much food personally and even if traditional, it is not required or necessary). It is a "nice thing to have if you have the money" or as others may say, "a want".

People need to budget better and save for rainy day. If you have nothing saved- you should ideally have 6 months saved away- don't spend the "wants".
I have BH a little saved up but even though I really would like to buy a few things that would be helpful, as I have been managing until now it can wait a few months.
Savings are important. I don't want to ever get my lights turned off on me. (But I am also careful, as part of budgeting, to not have extra lights on or let the water run while brushing teeth).

amother

Orchid

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 2:19 pm

shoshanim999 wrote:

I don't believe any sane person wouldn't ask for help from parents who could offer to help if the alternative was having the lights and heat turned off in the middle of January.

Speak for yourself.
Not everyone has the same circumstances.

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 2:25 pm

shoshanim999 wrote:

I don't believe any sane person wouldn't ask for help from parents who could offer to help if the alternative was having the lights and heat turned off in the middle of January.

Perhaps, but some people would live in a tiny apartment with no extras in order to avoid that scenario.

smilingmom

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 2:55 pm

My parents lived from paycheck to paycheck and never had extra money lying around, but my parents would borrow money and would give the shirt off their backs, if they had to, to help out their children.
Thank God we never needed their money, but they helped out in other ways, babysitting when we went on vacations etc.

We try to the same for our kids. My husband has been learning in kollel (for over 30 years), so we are a one income family, but if any of adult kids needed our help, we would do everything in our power to help them.
If we had a choice of paying for our cleaning lady, while my daughter or daughter in law, was overwhelmed with her job, housework and kids, we would definitely give her the money for a cleaning lady and do our own cleaning.

The hashkafa expressed in this thread is appalling and gross.

amother

Yellow

Thu, Dec 24 2015, 5:17 am

To those who feel that adult children should be self sufficient and responsible and should not ask their parents of help. After all, you never depended on or asked for help.
I have two questions for you.
1- where is Hashem in your equation? Do you truly feel you got where you are by your own effort only?
2- do you convey to your children the ideaology, that Once they are adults, 'don't come knocking on my door'?

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Dec 24 2015, 7:32 am

amother wrote:

And what point of view is that?