I need some advice on how to handle!

amother

Linen

Sun, Dec 27 2015, 7:23 am

Please advise me - I need some good old fashioned Ima mother wisdom.
My 4th and youngest child is 11, (high functioning ASD). I don't know how relevant that info is to this incident but he his developmentally quite immature.

My married children spent Shabbos at my house. They have 2 children, a 3.5 and 1 year old. While we were eating lunch it got very quiet and I went into my sons room and found him and my dgs under the covers both completely naked. I immediately told them to put their clothes on but didn't raise my voice or get too visibly upset. My dil on the other hand was very upset. She insisted that my ds needed to know under no uncertain terms that this behavior is totally unacceptable and should not happen again (I Dont disagree) We had company for lunch and I told her at the time it happened that I cannot deal with this until after they leave. Ok. They left and I had a conversation with my ds. First thing I asked him was if any one ever did that to him. He said no. Then I asked him why he took off his clothes and his nephews clothes. He said - he just wanted to have fun. I told him that if he wanted to explore his own body in the future it's private. He cannot do that with anyone else. He absolutely cannot do this again with dgs. He said sorry many times and said he wouldn't. Then I left it alone.

Now, there are a few things I want to get clarification on:
1. Children naturally explore their bodies. I think it's normal. But having said that I don't want this to happen again with my ds and dgs. B/c my dil is very upset about it; more than me. Am I downplaying all of this?
2. My dil thinks my ds should have some kind of consequence due to this.
I think the more focus and negative energy we put on this, the more negatively it will impact my dgs and ds.

I know my dil thinks I do a terrible job to begin with in terms of disciplining my ds. She is right. I am worn out by now. But I still think that making a big deal about this is the wrong way to go.

How should this incident have been handled??
I welcome all advice please!!

I have to say that my dil is also upset b/c this week my dgs played at a friends house. This friend took off his own clothes and asked my dgs to take off his clothes, but he didn't.
It's the second time in one week that my dgs was 'exposed' to this kind of behaviour.

amother

Chocolate

Sun, Dec 27 2015, 8:35 am

hugs

if your son is 11 and doing this type of thing particularly with a much smaller child, 3, then as hard as it is you cannot leave him unsupervised with other children

like he will have to sit a the table with you and the adults, he will have to play in plain view of you and adults.

at the very least.

it makes sense that any mother of a 3 year old would be highly upset. if he does this with another child you could be in for a nightmare and could be so even now or in the future if he does this with related children. you are putting everyone at a serious grave risk

also, you are putting your own 11 year old son at great and grave risk as he could get into terrible trouble if he does this -- while he apologized etc it's possible he cannot control this or could make this choice again even if he seemed to understand your reaction -- the idea that he called this "fun" says a lot and if he is immature then all the more so he may not be able to understand the gravity of such behavior and you must provide the executive function

amother

Olive

Sun, Dec 27 2015, 8:53 am

I'm a girl and I did it with my brothers and a few friends. We called it playing doctor. We were all within a 2 year age range though and were all equally interested. No one personal initiated all the time or bribed others to participate. That's what I consider part of normal growing up/development. The age gap is what I find concerning and I'd be super careful about him being around little kids. Is he your youngest and this the only person he has a chance to explore with? That may explain it, though it's still completely not ok.

As far as your dils concern--of course she is upset! If it was same age friend earlier in the week she is over reacting to that but this is a big deal (I'm sorry! Hugs!). I don't think it's her place to tell you how to handle it but I'd expect to be seeing a lot less of her in the future. She's scared for her kid.

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Dec 27 2015, 4:18 pm

Quote:

the two situations with your son who is 11 and with the other boy who seems to be your grandson's age and to whom he said no are really not the same at all

Well except that the 11 yo possibly functions on the level of a five yo?

OP I would talk to an anonymous helpline such as Yitty Leibel, because if you get anyone involved IRL they will no doubt be a mandated reported. But definitely talk to a professional to find out if this is in the range of normal for the level of your son's emotional maturity (as noted above).

And maybe find a support group or parenting class that deals with your type of issues - even if a phone conference or on-line. You will get chizuk and an injection of energy to your worn-out feeling.

seeker

Sun, Dec 27 2015, 4:30 pm

I think you handled it well, and that it is also normal for DIL to be upset about this.

Being that your DS has ASD and you say he is immature, and if you as a mother with good instincts know him to be honest, it makes sense that he simply acted naively not knowing that what he did was inappropriate, his body is approaching the age when he naturally is getting more interested in exploring and he does not yet know how to deal with that. By calmly explaining that it isn't allowed, you did the right thing. Kids with ASD usually do very well with clear rules and calm demeanor. You know your kid and I'm sure you will keep a good eye on the situation going forward.

But of course from your DIL's perspective, she needs to protect her kids and it is natural for her to react strongly over this. Your child is your business, and her child is her business. Understand that you have different perspectives on this. Let her know that you understand the significance of this incident and that you are handling it from your DS's end. Exactly how you choose to handle it is out of her domain and it's up to her to decide how much to trust you on this.

And in any case, it makes a lot of sense to supervise such young children. I would not let my 3-year-old hang out with an 11-year-old alone for many reasons. I would always be keeping at least half an eye on them.

amother

Orchid

Sun, Dec 27 2015, 6:53 pm

I agree that you should from now on, until you can trust your son, to keep him playing within eye sight range. and to call anonymous hot line is an awesome idea & hear what they suggest - you can tell your DIL what your plan is from now on...& it will be up to her how she wants to continue her relationship with you & your son.
You have to do whats right & what works for you & your son; obviously you want your son to learn appropriate behavior when he is among other children....hatzlocha.