Calling all mothers!

amother

Thu, Jul 26 2007, 9:35 pm

We need help! We have a yummy 3.5 yr old dd, who is also quite the challenge!!!

In short, she basically ignores us....When asking her to get dressed, brush teeth, put on shoes, pleas to stop throwing blankets, baskets, toys and the like on her younger sibling...she simply ignores us. Continues doing what she is doing. If/when we take her to do what needs to be done ,she kicks and wriggles herself free...laughing along the way.

I should mention she has some sensory issues, and is receiving OT, the things the OT suggested aren't really working (mostly redirection). Also, she doesn't seem to care too much for consequences (and yes,we always follow through with what we say).

DH and I are having a really hard time, and find that we get so frustrated, that we end up yelling at her to get her to calm down and cooperate (something we are both unhappy about)....then she gets upset, cries and usually complies (I hate it!).

Puleezze share any experience, strength, and hope!!!

BrachaVHatzlocha

Thu, Jul 26 2007, 9:44 pm

sounds like she is a challenge!
Have you tried sticker charts? make a list of 3 or 4 things you want her to do (brush teeth, clean toys, etc) and each time she listens, put a sticker on the chart. when she has 5 stickers (or fills up a line), then she can choose a prize. you buy cheap prizes that'll be great for that age. (I am a therapist that works with that age, so I'm speakign from experience).
also, you need to have consequences. DD, if you don't clean up the toys, we're going to have to put them away and you can't play with them next time. And STICK TO IT. the next day she can't playwith the blocks. (though I have this problem with my 3 yr old son who won't clean up and this doesn't work....you try it and be firm!)
also, have you tried time out?
good luck!

amother

Thu, Jul 26 2007, 9:53 pm

Quote:

Have you tried sticker charts?

also, you need to have consequences. DD, if you don't clean up the toys, we're going to have to put them away and you can't play with them next time. And STICK TO IT. the next day she can't playwith the blocks.

also, have you tried time out?

yes, yes, and yes...tried all of them...

dd could care less about stickers, it works 1 time, then she loses interest.

whatever the consequence is, we follow through...but she doesn't care (we still make a consequence...I.e. take toy away, throw it away, etc.)

and time out...ummmm we have tried diff. types....time out with mommy/tatti on couch, time out by herself on couch, and time out by herself in a room (with no toys/distraction for her)...and each time she goes back to the same behavior.

as far as her hearing us....she has had a hearing test which showed that her hearing was fine. We also get down on her level and make eye contact when we are talking to her.

amother

Thu, Jul 26 2007, 10:11 pm

Yes, she is in school/day camp. She is, b"h, very cooperative in school. I think it has a lot to do with the structure she gets there....and also that it isn't "mommy" but "morah"...

Also, the more comfortable she is with a place/situation/person, the more she "acts out"....I guess it is normal..but oh so frustrating.

She doesn't come home until 4pm, so there isn't sooo much time left in the day to create such structure. I also don't know if it is such a good idea to make every minute of her day structured (I.e 4-5 is arts-n-crafts, 5-6 dinner, 6 bath, etc...)

what do you think? I appreciate your replies Bracha V'hatzlocha!!

BrachaVHatzlocha

Thu, Jul 26 2007, 10:29 pm

I worked with a child this year in school who cooperated in school, but the parents had a lot of trouble at home.
The classroom teacher feels that the parents would benefit from parenting classes. Not to say it's the parents' faults, but you can gain methods to help with this behavior. Maybe a book or two in the chinuch field? I don't know many, but I think Assertive Discipline is good.
You don't need minute by minute structure. But a basic structure to the day.
She comes home at 4. By the way, she may just be wired/tired from the whole long day. You may have free play or organized play, but basically supper/bath/bedtime should be around the same time every time so she knows what to expect. Also, give her time before transitioning.
when my kids are outside playing, I let them know, "In 5 minutes we're going inside." It doesn't always help, they still fight it off when 5 minutes is up, but they had time to adjust to the change in activity.
hatzlocha!

amother

Thu, Jul 26 2007, 10:38 pm

We have just as much problems w/her in the morning as we do in the evening. The basic routine of the day after school is the same, and bedtime is quite consistent.

I'll check out assertive discipline, thanks.

We also find that giving time warnings before changing activities is very important...but it doesn't eliminate the problem.

I can't tell you how many times I have thought of taking some type of parenting class...not that I think I am a bad parent, or even a clueless one...we just really feel she is a particular challenge and need continued chizuk.

Tefila

Fri, Jul 27 2007, 1:08 pm

Op are you consistent ?

B/c I find that when I have slacked off with being consistent it has shown itself , which gets me to be back on it . Confused

Are you calm about it or stressed, rushed when telling her? How much time do u give her to do something like 1.2 .3. NOT MORE .

Yes for somethings it has to be done straight away but for that age and depending not all the time...........

Though Consistency is hard at times for the parent IT works for the child Exclamation

.

Lastly Pretend you are her teacher, what would her teacher do?!

Detach yourself for that moment from an emotional parent, to a caring teacher.
I found this method works wonders for me too b/c then you can look more objectivly and deal with it as such.
. Hatzlacha Very Happy

Annie

Fri, Jul 27 2007, 1:15 pm

ONe of my boys is my challenging "listener," and if I asked any of his teachers, they'd say that he's a dream and they can't imagine he doesn't listen at home. The *only* thing that works with him is not only getting down to eye level and making sure he's focused on me, but also starting the process with him. This means that when he needs to pick up the crayons, I take his hand and we pick them up together. Sometimes a "contest" works with him -- "who's going to pick up the most crayons before I get to the number X," or -- I'll race you upstairs to get into bed . . .

We've been playing the race upstairs game for about 3 years now. I'm still amazed that it works.

With my daughter, the only thing that worked on one aspect of her behavior that was really bothering me was giving her a set number of minutes a week, and then deducting minutes for non-wanted behavior. However many minutes she had left on Sunday she got to spend with Mommy. Just she and I together doing something. Sometimes it was only 5 minutes, but one week she got 45 minutes and we went to get Slurpees.

Good luck.

amother

Fri, Jul 27 2007, 1:23 pm

GR wrote:

I wonder how many times you tell her something. Could it be that after one time she thinks of it as nagging and simply tunes you out?

too many times, I know....im' sure she does tune me out...I would tune me out too....

that's the problem, I don't know how to get her to do it the first time

amother

Fri, Jul 27 2007, 1:26 pm

Quote:

Lastly Pretend you are her teacher, what would her teacher do?!

I feel like I'm consistent, and I give her at least 2 min. warnings before doing anything....

as far as the teacher bit....well, she's my first, I'm the youngest in my family and bt, never taught kids....so no clue what teachers do in these situations...and she is very good in class....

gryp

Fri, Jul 27 2007, 1:42 pm

Quote:

too many times, I know....im' sure she does tune me out...I would tune me out too....

that's the problem, I don't know how to get her to do it the first time

don't talk or argue with her, act instead.

example:
you: "we're leaving now"
she: ignores
you: take her hand and lead her to the door. or if she resists, pick her up and bring her with you.

example:
you: "time to clean up"
she: ignores
you: take her hand and pick up the toy with it and put it away.

you don't have to be upset at her, you can laugh with her as you do it and make it fun, but a day or two of this and she'll get the message: "When Mommy talks, you listen right away." I even tell those exact words to my kids and it sends them scurrying to do what I've asked them.

Coke Slurpee

Fri, Jul 27 2007, 2:13 pm

Ask your OT to give you a sensory diet to do at home. A child with sensory issues will have dif. focusing, following directions etc.

Doing variouus activities that target your childs sensory issues will help improve her behavior.

Shif

Fri, Jul 27 2007, 2:15 pm

[quote="Annie"]ONe of my boys is my challenging "listener," and if I asked any of his teachers, they'd say that he's a dream and they can't imagine he doesn't listen at home. The *only* thing that works with him is not only getting down to eye level and making sure he's focused on me, but also starting the process with him.

Quote:

I find that helps with some things....

the minutes idea is a really great idea!

her behavior w/regards to her brother is the other problem....she plays way too rough w/him and I can't get her to calm down (distraction, redirecting, physically removing works until she is near him again...very frustrating.....she gets like this w/any kid (older/younger) or adult w/whom she is comfortable.

Thanks for all the suggestions...keep it coming, I really appreciate it!

Shif

Fri, Jul 27 2007, 2:18 pm

ooops, blew my cover shock

ok....I like those suggestions GR, will try it!

sonniboni...I'll have to ask her for more I guess...she suggested squeezing (like her arms) and redirecting her to more hands on activities...but these don't seem to help so much

amother

Sun, Aug 19 2007, 12:29 am

What GR suggested is similar to the hand over hand method which can work greatly with children.
Taking a parenting class, not only doesn't it show that you're not a bad or clueless mother, but on the contrary it shows what a great mother you are and are trying to do your best for your child/children.
I recommend a parenting class. I took a parenting class by Sarah Jaroslowitz. Her techniques are amazing.
She does classes in Monsey, Monroe, Boro Park, Flatbush, Williamsburg.