I feel like the worst mother!

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amother

Blush

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 2:00 pm

I Bh am blessed with 2 little girls and I can't imagine what my life would be without them. They are 3 and 1 kah. The 3 year old constantly bothers the baby. She pushes/pulls/hits. I try to give her extra attention and she always gets more cuz she's the "big sister" but it doesn't seem to help much. My mornings are absolutely the craziest. Between trying to get both kids and myself ready to leave the house plus running after the big one she should stop hurting the baby its super hard but I always try to stay as calm as possible. This morn the big one was uncontorlable she kept picking up and throwing down the baby and I kept telling her if she wants something or if baby is bothering her she can't use her hands she needs to use her mouth and tell me what's going on. I went to the bathroom and I wasn't even there a milisecond when I heard a loud BOOM I came running to see that she pushed my baby off the chair, now I know that I should of stayed calm and in my zone but it was already after the 10th time in one hour that she didn't stop hurting her and I just lost it, I hit her on her hand but it was pretty powerful from my anger😭 I felt so bad the second after I did it. She was crying so loud it was really painful for both of us. I started crying I didn't know what to do with myself. I tried explaining to her that I had to give her a reminder that she needs to stop bothering her sister. I apologized that it hurt her and I even gave her a treat but I can't get this episode out of my head. I feel so bad for my little girl. How is she supposed to love/trust me?? I'm the one who's supposed to protect her and now I'm acting like a monster.. I'm still crying every time I see that image of me hitting her. Please tell me I'm not the only one here going thru this. Tips and positive advice would be very helpful!

mummiedearest

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 2:15 pm

op, hugs. first things first: you need to be more strict with your older daughter regarding safety. calm nice reminders are great unless they don't work. give that child a time out whenever she hits/pushes. tell her why she's in time out, ignore her the entire time unless she gets out. if she gets out, calmly place her back in time out without talking to her at all. if she gets out, she has to start over. she should sit three minutes each time. she will learn.

of course, this is if the slap you gave her today didn't work. it may have, and that's a good thing. don't beat yourself up over this. you're not a horrible mother. you sound incredibly patient. since you lost control this once (it happens to all of us), come up with a battle plan for the next incident. the time out idea above will do, but if you prefer something else, work it out now. you may want to consider giving baby extra attention when older child is acting up, btw. if older dd sees that bad behavior takes away attention from her, she may reconsider.

good luck, op. three-year-olds are quite challenging.

amother

Violet

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 2:19 pm

My husband gives a slap puposefully if a kid touches a socket for their safety. Better 1 time to cry then...
So you can say the same thing about your baby's health.

Tzutzie

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 2:54 pm

Op I commiserate. I lose it too sometimes and I remember every single time I really lost it. And I beat myself up over it.
I also have a 3yo and a 16mo. Can you get a hold of sarah yaraslowitz's book "hands full"? I got it as a gift. Best gift ever.
3 year olds can be really challenging.

Here are a few tips

I turned around the lock on dds room. In emergency situations I walk here there and let her turn the whole closet upside down. (Clothes are kept in my room. The time when I finally put her clothes in her closet she pulled the rod off and poured bubbles from the top shelve over alllll her clothing ("s'hutzech oisgenitzt" - "it got used up" funny now. Not so funny then....)
If I need to use the bathroom they have to be separated. I keep books in the babys crib and I lock her in with a bottle if I need to go for more than 30 seconds.

Also, I keep on talking to dd that shes the big sister. And that she loves the baby and watches over the baby and I let her give the baby her food. It helps with the jelousy a little. Another thing, I found that with my kid hitting (on the hand) never helped. Or yelling. She'd just run right back to hurt the baby.
If I said "dont hurt your sister" she'd go right ahead and push her. So instead I'd say. "Look! The baby is walking. Go cheer her on" works 80% of the time.
When she does hurt the baby I ignore her behaviour. I pick up the baby and calm her down. Just ignoring the fact that her sister did it to her.
Very likely that your 3yo is trying to grab your attention. Negative attention is better than no attention.
So I try to give dd time in the morning before I take baby out of the crib. Same is when she comes home from day care/camp.

Incidents went down from 10 times a day to probably 2 -3 times a day.
But now its also the other way around. 16mo bothering 3yo. Ah the joys LOL

dancingqueen

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 3:02 pm

amother wrote:

My husband gives a slap puposefully if a kid touches a socket for their safety. Better 1 time to cry then...
So you can say the same thing about your baby's health.

Or you could just put in socket protectors?

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 3:31 pm

Op, I always thought I was the worst mom until I spoke to people and saw in normal.

Speak to other moms. It helps validate your feeling about yourself and your kids bad behavior.
Know that it's normal.

Most crazy behaviors are also considered normal. We just always think our kids are the worst.

amother

Gold

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 3:36 pm

Dont feel like a horrible mother!!! The only thing u did wrong was hit her in anger and also the whole crying/getting emotional etc. its confusing for a kid. But she should know there are very strong consenquences for throwing a baby off a chair- I dont think a slap on the hand in that situation is anything u need to feel guity about.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 3:46 pm

OP, my sister and I are 3 years apart. My mom said that she could not leave me alone with my baby sister for 2 seconds, or I would try to kill her. I literally wanted that baby dead and gone! Surprised

I ended up getting spanked a lot (I was super stubborn and defiant, as well as homicidal.) Somehow, my sister survived, and I don't remember any of this. If my mom hadn't told me, I would have no idea.

Honestly, I totally believe her. My sister and I grew up with intense rivalry. For a while we both almost always had bite marks on each other's arms, and scratches too. My sister was horrible. I was mean, but she was the sneaky one. She'd get me first, make it look like my fault, and then laugh while I got punished.

Oh, the joys of having sweet little girls! Wink

sped

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 5:48 pm

Would a system like putting treats in a cup in the morning and taking one out each time she hurts baby work? Then she eats whatever is left at night? I have tried that when desperate and really worked!

imasinger

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 7:24 pm

Tzutzie gave wonderful advice. The best part was the key phrase, "negative attention is better than no attention."

Try to give her tons of positive attention whenever possible.

Prevent problems by being proactive. You can take toddler with you into the bathroom next time. This both protects the baby, and let's big sis know that hurting baby gives you less attention, not more.

Remember that when you say, "please don't hurt the baby", what might be process just the last half of the sentence. Better to figure out what emotions are leading her to act out -- boredom, need for attention, hunger, etc. -- and teach her the appropriate way to ask for what she wants.

Spec's idea sounds worth trying, too.

Another approach -- 3 is not too young to start teaching time out.

tryinghard

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 7:35 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

Or you could just put in socket protectors?

This doesn't help when you have a kid who unplugs cords, or when you go anywhere but home. When you have a child who is intensely attracted to outlets, they need to be taught very strongly about the dangers. Not saying whether or not someone should potch. Just that prevention must include education.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 7:53 pm

I've been very close to the situation you are describing. It is so difficult when kids are violent with each other. With my kids the pushing, etc mostly happened due to jealousy over toys. At one point I thought that if I had more toys they'd fight less, but when I got more toys (some exact doubles of what I already had) they fought even more.
My 2 year old was constantly taking everything away from my 1 year old, many times violently.
I tried ignoring the behavior, focusing on the baby, pointing out and praising positive interactions, but the fighting just got worse and worse. It was so, so difficult to deal with. It is the most draining thing to keep separating the kids and calming them down only for it to happen again 30 seconds later.

Finally I started teaching my kids skills on how to interact. Initially I thought that they are too young but with patience and persistence they now have learned to play with each other nicely.
I explained to them that the must take turns. If they want something they must ask their sibling nicely and then the other person gives it up for a short amount of time.
It was hard for them to do but now they know that if someone says "please" they hand over the toy they are using.
They have come to realize that it is much easier to just play with what they have instead of negotiating for someone else's toy. Grabbing and pushing are absolutely not tolerated. They must apologize and then they don't get to play with the desired item.
Of course when kids are this young the have trouble controlling their impulses and the want attention, etc but if they don't have the skills to interact nicely then they have no choice but to resort to their impulses.
My kids were 13 months and 27 months when I started teaching them how to play with each other and it took about 2 weeks of constantly intervening and teaching for them to learn to do it on their own. My house is now a much calmer place and I can actually get things done without my baby ending up battered, bruised and bawling.

Just like toddlers need to be taught skills, as parents we also need to train ourselves on how to stick to effective techniques. It is difficult, kids are so draining, especially when you are concerned for the baby's safety. But we have to try our best to resort to helpful and effective techniques instead of resorting to violence in times of stress.
No, you are not a horrible mother just because you had a tough moment.
No, your daughter will not be messed up for life and unable to trust and love because of a single isolated incident.
Focus now on providing a safe, loving and positive environment in your home for BOTH of your children.
You absolutely are a great mother because you are looking for support and advice when you feel overwhelmed. You know what type of home and upbringing you want for your children and you are working to achieve that.
Good luck!

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 8:05 pm

amother wrote:

I agree with this. It's preferable if you can find another way to get the message to her, but for the safety of you baby she can NOT be doing things like this. And you are in no way a terrible mother. These things happen. It's great you came on here to find out from others ways to deal with this.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 8:19 pm

Found this to be an amazing resource
"Aha parenting "
Dr laura Markham
http://www.ahaparenting.com/bl.....bling

http://www.ahaparenting.com/pa.....anger

And loads more helpful stuff
I get daily emails

amother

Brunette

Mon, Jul 25 2016, 8:19 pm

I feel so validated! going through very similar situation with my kids. 3 year old DOES NOT stop bothering 14 month old. pushing down on chest, poking eyes,going on top of, hitting, kicking ahhhhhhhh losing my mind. I have tried so many things , and been cnsistent (time out, giving lots of positive attention, ignoring etc-nothing is working), I am losing control so often, I feel so hopeless. I never hit but def yell and push 3 year old off of baby too hard, and then I feel terrible. I would looove as much advice as I can get. I feel I am just creating this negative dynamic with my three year old, and I dont want to be like this always tense and angry. my three year old is also becoming generally more needy bratty , refusing to hear no ect.

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Jul 26 2016, 12:44 am

You need to make sure the baby is safe, so if it means taking baby into the bathroom with you, that's what you need to do.

amother wrote:

My husband gives a slap puposefully if a kid touches a socket for their safety. Better 1 time to cry then...
So you can say the same thing about your baby's health.

A calculated potch is VEEEERY different than hitting out of anger.

Chayalle

Tue, Jul 26 2016, 11:25 am

As much as you want to learn better ways of teaching her appropriate behavior....one thing I have learned is to NEVER reward bad behavior.

The apology was OK, but I would not give a treat.

amother

Natural

Tue, Jul 26 2016, 2:16 pm

amother wrote:

Oy...as much as I feel validated too (this is exactly us right now but younger), now I feel hopeless! I thought it would get better as dd2 gets older!!! :'(

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