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Zochreinu lechaim- did I really want chaim? ??
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amother




Jade


Post  Wed, Oct 05 2016, 4:12 pm
As I was davening on yom tov zichreinu lechaim my thought went back to Rosh hashono of 2 years ago.
2 years ago and for many years before my life was very challenging and when it came to the words of Hashem remembering us for a good life and to live I kept asking myself " do I really want to live? What for? For such a life???"
I got divorced just over a year ago and so this was my second Rosh hashono where I can actually feel and ask for zochreini lechaim. I feel so much more at peace b"h.

Am just wondering whether others can relate to this? Questioning the things we ask H" for....
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amother




Teal


Post  Wed, Oct 05 2016, 6:00 pm
If he hadn't granted you chayyim two years ago, you would never have reached the comfortable point you're at now. Of course you wanted chayyim--chayyim tovim. The only people who ask for just life, aside from gor shtark tzaddikim maybe, are those whose lives are in such imminent danger that all they can ask for is survival with no adjectives. Think people who've been given a prognosis of six months or less to live, or people sitting in a car with its front wheels hanging over the edge of a cliff. Otherwise, people don't just want to live, they want a good life, whatever that means to them.
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amother




Jade


Post  Sun, Sep 24 2017, 2:22 am
I can't believe another year has passed and I asked for Chaim without asking whether I really wanted to live which years back I didn't.

Thank you Hashem for bringing me to this place.
Thank you Hashem for the divorce.....
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amother




Khaki


Post  Sun, Sep 24 2017, 4:57 am
This year I asked myself if I want to live.
Somewhere inside me I know I want to live and know that once things get better I will enjoy life a lot more.
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amother




Jade


Post  Tue, Oct 01 2019, 5:55 pm
Another year has passed.

I feel like shouting out how grateful I am to Hakodosh Boruch Hu for being able to want to daven for life, for a good life!!

May we all be able to recognise at all times that life is good regardless of what it looks like!!!
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amother




Gray


Post  Tue, Oct 01 2019, 7:40 pm
I didn't daven for life. I didn't daven for anything at all. I spent Rosh hashana in a state of total denial that it was YT and just emptiness. Rote. Nothing was meaningful.
I spent 14 years begging and pleading for a child. For a baby of my own. After 14 years my husband who grew cold and distant in the past 2 years( he was fed up with my relentless pursuit of a biological child ) asked me for a divorce. Last year I was with a husband and surrounded by his family for YT and spent RH begging that next year I should be back in shul with a new born in my hands. This year I spent RH alone no husband no family(I couldn't go to his family obviously and my own family is not an option) no child. Left with nothing.
I am done begging and pleading. I refuse to ask anymore. Last year I said tehillim all day. Look what the year gave me. Why bother asking?
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life is fun




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Oct 01 2019, 7:45 pm
amother [ Gray ] wrote:
I didn't daven for life. I didn't daven for anything at all. I spent Rosh hashana in a state of total denial that it was YT and just emptiness. Rote. Nothing was meaningful.
I spent 14 years begging and pleading for a child. For a baby of my own. After 14 years my husband who grew cold and distant in the past 2 years( he was fed up with my relentless pursuit of a biological child ) asked me for a divorce. Last year I was with a husband and surrounded by his family for YT and spent RH begging that next year I should be back in shul with a new born in my hands. This year I spent RH alone no husband no family(I couldn't go to his family obviously and my own family is not an option) no child. Left with nothing.
I am done begging and pleading. I refuse to ask anymore. Last year I said tehillim all day. Look what the year gave me. Why bother asking?

I wish I could give you a hug irl!!

Im so sorry for your pain.

I wish I could have invited you for a yom tov meal. Had a few single mums today, not all with kids. Every1 is welcome!!!
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alliei




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Oct 01 2019, 7:58 pm
I don’t necessarily have a great prognosis and I prayed for Chaim tovim. I don’t want to be a burden to my family or for my husband and kids to remember only a sick wife and mom. I prayed for Emunah to believe I will get better. I prayed for my husband and kids to have happiness and resilience and Chaim tovim if I don’t make it. And I prayed that I will overcome and have Chaim tovim uarachim. So I don’t think that there is some flaw that “just Chaim” isn’t enough. Of course we want more! And I remember when I had multiple miscarriages- I prayed desperately for a living child. We all are where we are at the moment.
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amother




Puce


Post  Tue, Oct 01 2019, 8:47 pm
OP, I was coming here to post this.
This rosh Hashana I cried so hard that the rebbetzin came to check on me. What she didn’t know was that I was davening to be written in the Book of Death.
I can’t handle life anymore.
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amother




Orange


Post  Tue, Oct 01 2019, 8:55 pm
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
OP, I was coming here to post this.
This rosh Hashana I cried so hard that the rebbetzin came to check on me. What she didn’t know was that I was davening to be written in the Book of Death.
I can’t handle life anymore.


Hugs! I wish I could hug you in real life. Your pain is so intense. I can relate to feeling so so horrible. Hopefully things will ease for you soon.
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Notsobusy




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Oct 01 2019, 8:57 pm
amother [ Gray ] wrote:
I didn't daven for life. I didn't daven for anything at all. I spent Rosh hashana in a state of total denial that it was YT and just emptiness. Rote. Nothing was meaningful.
I spent 14 years begging and pleading for a child. For a baby of my own. After 14 years my husband who grew cold and distant in the past 2 years( he was fed up with my relentless pursuit of a biological child ) asked me for a divorce. Last year I was with a husband and surrounded by his family for YT and spent RH begging that next year I should be back in shul with a new born in my hands. This year I spent RH alone no husband no family(I couldn't go to his family obviously and my own family is not an option) no child. Left with nothing.
I am done begging and pleading. I refuse to ask anymore. Last year I said tehillim all day. Look what the year gave me. Why bother asking?


I'm so, so sorry. I wish there was more I could do for you than just type these words, but there isn't.......

Edited to include alliei and puce. There is so much pain on this thread, it is just heartbreaking. I hope you all have a better year somehow.
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amother




Slategray


Post  Tue, Oct 01 2019, 9:06 pm
Hugs
Sorry for your pain
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relish




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Oct 01 2019, 10:09 pm
I heard an incredible shiur on TorahAnytime.com right before Rosh Hashana. The speaker was saying that chayim can mean living, like actual feeling alive, and able to move and accomplish. The ability to set goals and achieve them!

He was saying that we beg HaShem to give us the ability to put one foot in front of another and leave a positive impact in the world.

Op, and other another’s on this thread, you have done that for me. You have left a positive impact on me. I feel love and compassion for you. One act, by sharing of yourself, you have improved my life.

May you have revealed good this year and always! May you be blessed with chayim, in a way that feels good for you! May you be able to give and receive genuine love and care with those around you. May you never feel alone in your suffering again!
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amother




Wine


Post  Tue, Oct 01 2019, 10:17 pm
Where there's life there's hope. Thank Hashem for your eyes legs hands etc. Get a good job take courses go to the gym go out with a friend and just enjoy this world. We can't help or change things but we can make a fulfilling life
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amother




Indigo


Post  Tue, Oct 01 2019, 10:30 pm
This year I begged Hashem to either take my sick relative or heal them already. I can't watch them suffer anymore.
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Surrendered




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Oct 01 2019, 10:38 pm
Hugs!!! I'm crying for your pain. So sad to be in such a place of hopelessness.

May Hashem hear our cries and heal the severe pain in our hearts.

If you feel comfortable, you can PM me with your name, I wanna daven on your behalf for a better future.

May you be zoche to Gut Gebentched year.
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amother




Brunette


Post  Tue, Oct 01 2019, 11:34 pm
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
OP, I was coming here to post this.
This rosh Hashana I cried so hard that the rebbetzin came to check on me. What she didn’t know was that I was davening to be written in the Book of Death.
I can’t handle life anymore.

Me too. I was just trying to choose which death is better. I chose a quick one without suffering much. Oy Hashem! I know you suffer as much as we all do together. Bring Moshiach for you as well as for your people. As with me, I need a break; a break that lasts forever. Crying Crying
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seeker




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 12:09 am
OK I knew this thread would be depressing but a couple of posts are extra dark. How can we help?
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amother




Gray


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 12:43 am
I dont think anyone can help anonymous people. but we can definitely help our own families, friends, communities. Look around in your own circles and go from there. There is no reason anyone should have to feel they are suffering alone.
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amother




Azure


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 12:56 am
Dear special precious Jewish sisters,I am sending you lots & lots of hugs!and know that I’m (& all of us here)are having you in mind!
Every second that you are here (even when it’s sooo hard) you are doing a magor accomplishment!you are living-& that’s rotson Hashem !such a huge mitzva!& oh dear special friends ,I’m no rebbetisin ,I just need you!Because I love you!please please ,be here for us,for Hashem & with the help of Hashem & tefilla I hope everything will turn out iyh for the best!& may Hashem help,you should be zoicha to see the good in every situation!
For first day sukkos we will probably be home,feel free to contact me to be our guest of honor!we live in Lakewood....
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