No one is coming to my Hanukkah Party

amother

Aqua

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 1:50 am

I sent out invitations a few weeks ago to a bunch of friends and no one has reserved saying they will come. The party is next week. I think I want to cancel. What is the standard protocol for reserving for a party? Do people usually rsvp last minute? I just would like a response yes or no. Why does it take so long to respond? Exploding anger

salt

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 1:53 am

Do exactly what you're saying. Send out a follow-up invite "I would like a response please, yes or no"
I think Chanuka is always a difficult time to arrange events, everyone has different things each night.
We couldn't find any night for my DH's family chanuka party, and we're not even a big family. In the end one of my sons is missing it cos he has something else that night. People may be waiting to see when they have other gatherings.
But a week is enough time to send out a prompt/reminder. It's only fair to let you know.

33055

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 8:45 am

In certain circles RSVPs are not done. When I get invited to most simchas, RSVPs are not included because invitees are expected to show up. I think I had two RSVP invitations this year, and I totally missed both times that I was to reply.

Perhaps you can call those you sent out the invitation to with a "personal invite". I get those calls sometimes.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 8:54 am

OP, I know how much that hurts.

Let me tell you a story about my 30's birthday "party". I sent out sixty invitations. 60!

Two people showed up. One person ate ALL the food, and then left. No present.

The second person drank all of my booze, and passed out on the sofa until morning. Again, no present.

I cried all night.

From then on, I decided that I will throw a part for ME, and if anyone comes, that's great. If not, I will be doing exactly what I want to do. People can either join me, or not, but I will not sit around and wait for company in order for me to celebrate. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Enjoy your Chanukah, because it is a time of happiness and freedom. Do what is meaningful to YOU and your family. If that means ordering Chinese food and watching a movie, then do that. Do it for YOU. Anyone who doesn't show up, doesn't deserve your hospitality, and it is their loss, not yours.

amother

Orchid

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 8:59 am

I would WhatsApp & see what everyone response is. Chanuka is a time when people may have other parties that they are obligated to go to. I know in chasidish world we usually dont send out RSVPs because 1.takanos you cant invite more than 125 couples 2. Most people dont return the card anyway. But its very normal in frum community that people dont respond so its best you text/call everyone

watergirl

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 9:37 am

salt wrote:

Aka, waiting to see if something better comes up. I hate when people do that. Dont tell me "I cant commit, I dont know what I'll be doing then". Hello - if you commit, then you will know! You'll be at my party!

animeme

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 9:46 am

watergirl wrote:

Often, it's not so much "something better" as it is obligations. A family party often needs to trump a friend's. Or there's something for one of their kids that they need to attend. Maybe they don't know if relatives are coming to them or not, ir if they themselves need to go away. This year, there may be work holiday events.

I agree that many people don't do rsvps for parties like this- my family certainly doesn't. This close in, you can send out a message or call and say that you're trying to get a handle on numbers for food, so do people have an idea of they're coming. But be prepared for a lot of "I'm still not sure, so don't order for me, and I'll pop by if I can."

You can make something fun for your immediate family and maybe one set of friends/neighbors who can commit. If it's just that, accept it as fun that way. If others pop in and out, even better. If some stay, what a nice thing. Have some refreshments that can keep or will get eaten either way.

amother

Olive

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 9:52 am

watergirl wrote:

Agreed. It's so rude.

zaq

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 10:45 am

watergirl wrote:

This.
They're not fooling anyone. They may as well be honest and say baldly "You're not quite good enough a friend for me to commit to you at the outset. I'm waiting for something better, which, if it turns up, I will commit to. Otherwise, well, if there's no wet paint for me to watch dry, and no closets screaming to be rearranged, and no split ends to split further, then maybe I'll do you a favor and show up. But don't count on it."

Don't get me started!

zaq

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 10:53 am

One of my pet peeves. Make a simcha--and the caterer is charging by the plate--and they don't respond. You've given them a "respond by" date. You've provided them self-addressed, stamped envelopes and a card that says "__________________ will/will not attend." You've numbered the cards and envelopes so even if they're too wretchedly scatterbrained or just plain lazy to power-lift a pen and write their names, you'll still know. All they need to do is check off will or will not, slip the card into the handy little envelope, and drop it in a mailbox. Some of them have even made simchas themselves and know the anxiety and frustration of having guaranteed the caterer X number of places and having only 25% of X confirmed responses one week before the simcha. And they STILL don't respond!

That's when you either start making phone calls, or start making seating plans without them. If they bother to show up, they will not find a place card. Serves them right. (Or it would, if people like that weren't also the type to plunk themselves down at a table they like and leave the polite people who responded out in the cold. )

zaq

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 11:00 am

watergirl wrote:

The Zaq Theory of the shidduch crisis is all about this: an unwillingness to commit to anything. Not a invitation for Shabbos lunch, not a party, not a prospective spouse. Because they are always thinking that something better may be just around the corner.

zaq

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 11:10 am

amother wrote:

I just would like a response yes or no. Why does it take so long to respond? Exploding anger

Root cause: failure of parents to educate their children in basic etiquette and menschlichkeit. In a small percentage of cases, terminal scatterbrainedness. In a smaller percentage, non-receipt of invitations that were lost in the mail. But in most cases plain and simple callousness. Just "can't be bothered".

saw50st8

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 11:25 am

animeme wrote:

Now, if they didn't RSVP because they don't really want to go unless nothing better comes up, that's obnoxious. But many people have legitimate reasons for stalling.

zaq

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 11:40 am

saw50st8 wrote:

Now, if they didn't RSVP because they don't really want to go unless nothing better comes up, that's obnoxious. But many people have legitimate reasons for stalling.

Pee or get off the pot. If you think your mom may be coming or your dd getting engaged, decline the invitation. DON'T keep your would-be hostess hanging. The world will not come to an end if you don't have something fun to do motzaei Shabbos chanuka.

There is no "legitimate" reason for stalling. Commit. One way or another. Stalling, as you call it, is rude. You have no inalienable right to entertainment. Life is a gamble. If you're waiting to find out if your mom is coming, or if you're going to have surgery, be a grown-up, decline the invite, and if the surgery or your mom doesn't materialize, so be it.

5mom

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 11:57 am

Zaq is completely and totally right. If you are invited somewhere, RSVP. If you are still waiting to hear whether your elderly grandmother is hosting that night, say so. If only some of the family can come, say so. But to ignore an invitation is rude. Yes, we are all human. Everyone misplaces an invitation or just forgets once in a while. If that happens, apologize profusely and don't let it happen again.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 12:02 pm

zaq wrote:

And most likely if you say you want to come at the last minute , you will be welcome. People want others to come to their party. It hurts when nobody wants to come.