Explaining divorced grandparents

amother

Bisque

Thu, Dec 28 2017, 8:22 am

My daughter is 6, and just last night realized that my father is married to someone who isn't my mother. She must have thought they were just friends previously. My mil is divorced but single, as is my mother. She started asking all sorts of questions 'does he have 2 wives' and etc.. Trying to understand the situation. My husband and I answered her questions a little vaguely, and she kept saying 'I don't understand'. We told her we will explain more when she is older. How do we explain divorce without scaring her? We don't want her to think it's something common and worry about our marriage. We prefer to keep her a bit sheltered until she's a little older. HELP!

simba

Thu, Dec 28 2017, 8:40 am

It's not scary, it's factual.
Something like this.. My mommy and daddy got un-married because they didn't want to be married anymore. My daddy married someone else who he wanted to be married to. Sometimes it happens not a lot. It is sad for me because I like when my mommy and tatty are married. BH your mommy and tatty like to be married.

Kids take things at face value. Don't stress over it.

amother

Bisque

Thu, Dec 28 2017, 9:10 am

We told her that its sad when 2 people can't be married anymore. But we don't want her to think it's a casual thing, that people just don't want to be married anymore. I wanted to say that they don't get along, but my husband doesn't want her to worry if she sees us disagree. I told her that they aren't good together married. She kept saying she didn't understand how they aren't married anymore. We didn't use the word divorce.

simba

Thu, Dec 28 2017, 9:24 am

amother wrote:

They did not like being married to each other.

thunderstorm

Thu, Dec 28 2017, 9:33 am

A child picks up your feelings. If you feel that it's scary for them to know details they will find it scary. Be as matter of fact as possible.
Some people get married and not always does it work out, sometimes they fight, sometimes one begins not to care about the other and when they don't love each other they get divorced.
After divorce, some marry someone else and some never marry again. Each person is different. But as your grandparent they both love you and they always will.

thunderstorm

Thu, Dec 28 2017, 9:35 am

amother wrote:

She is bound to go to school with a kid with divorced parents or grandparents . Teach her the word "divorce" and give an explanation of what this means.

imasinger

Thu, Dec 28 2017, 9:53 am

I think, OP, you should be asking her more questions to find out what her issue is.

What does she mean when she says she doesn't understand? You are assuming it means she doesn't understand why your parents didn't want to be married to each other any more.

But maybe that isn't really what she was asking. She could be asking about the practical logistics, how do people become unmarried? How do they decide who lives where, or what halachic steps happen to change their status?

At that age, it's likely she is more interested in the how than the why.

And if she was indeed confused about the why, one reasonable answer would be to say, "you'll have to ask them. It's always best to talk to the person who made a decision you don't understand, because nobody else can understand their reasons as well as they understand it themselves."

That will buy you time because the opportunity for that conversation may not present itself for some time, and she may forget about it for a while. And it also buys you space, because the truth is, nobody can fully understand all the reasons for a major decision like a divorce, and floundering to say something does the opposite of shelter her.

As others have said, your own anxiety around the topic could well confuse and frighten her far more than a straight answer would.

amother

Yellow

Thu, Dec 28 2017, 10:04 am

First of all, chances are there are kids in school with divorced parents. My oldest is 6, he started asking about my parents about a year ago (they're both remarried and have other kids. My dad's kids are actually approximately the same ages as mine, with his youngest actually being younger than my oldest).

Anyway, when I first said, they're divorced, which means they used to be married but then they got unmarried, his first response was oh, Yossi in my class has that. He has two houses, mommy's house and daddy's house. So I said yes, that's how I grew up, with my mommy's house and my daddy's house, since I was six. Then he asked oh, so are you and Abba gonna get divorced when I turn six? (Not in a scared way, but in a is this what everyone does when their kids turn six). So I explained to him no, it's not something that happens to everyone, it happens in some families. It's actually not a good thing, it means the Imma and Abba were fighting so much that they couldn't live together anymore and it was better for everyone if they just started living in different houses. And they married different people who they get along with better.

I have explained that I was sad when my parents split up, but it also wasn't the worst thing. They don't fight anymore (they're actually good friends) and they both love me even if they no longer love each other. I also explained that marriage is supposed to be forever and that I work very hard not to fight with Abba the way my mommy and daddy fought with each other. That yes, me and Abba do argue, but we always say sorry and even when arguing, we almost never say actually mean things.

Divorce happens, he already has friends with divorced parents and he knows about his own grandparents. But he also understands that it's not something ideal and that when you get married, you go in expecting to make it work, not expecting an escape hatch.

essie14

Thu, Dec 28 2017, 11:46 am

amother wrote:

This is a terrific explanation.
OP, there's nothing wrong with the word divorce. It's very unlikely your daughter has no friends whose parents are divorced.