S/o Exposing children to financial hardship-good or bad?

amother

Lime

Sat, Jan 06 2018, 8:27 pm

This is a spinoff of the allowance thread.

Is it good or bad for children to be aware of your financial situation?
If you go through ups and downs do your kids hear the difference in the way you either buy them what they want or tell them you can't afford it?

Do you answer exactly the same way regardless of your situation?
If you are well off do your kids know?
If you are poor do your kids know it?

amother

Orchid

Sat, Jan 06 2018, 8:39 pm

I don't think it's healthy. Whenever my kids ask if we are rich/poor the answer is we have exactly what we need. If kid asks me to buy something out of budget I explain we could buy xyz with that money instead or I am saving money to buy a house, send you to camp, go to the zoo, etc. I know too many kids with stigmas

amother

Babypink

Sat, Jan 06 2018, 8:59 pm

I personally found that financial hardship was helpful to my kids. My finances used to be very tight when I was married to my ex. I am happily remarried and my finances are B"H much better now. My kids know the value of a dollar and are used to working odd jobs in order to afford to buy themselves shoes, gloves, snacks etc. Even though I can afford to buy these things now, my kids prefer to earn their own money when it comes to extras and would never even ask for certain things that other kids take for granted. My boys intend to find part-time jobs while they are learning in Kollel. I think my boys will make better husbands because of it.

amother

Teal

Sat, Jan 06 2018, 9:05 pm

amother wrote:

Are you my mother??
This is exactly how I grew up. We all hated it and resented it very badly. Bc my parents were saving or using their money whatever you want to call it for what was important to THEM. Ie what if I would rather have a new knapsack then go to the zoo.?

amother

Burgundy

Sat, Jan 06 2018, 9:08 pm

amother wrote:

How are you doing different for your children?

amother

Teal

Sat, Jan 06 2018, 9:12 pm

amother wrote:

How are you doing different for your children?

My kids are quite young. Oldest is 6.but meanwhile.. When they come to a store with me I always let them pick something Eg choc bar, cute notepad,
My daughter, 4,wanted clear glasses (bh she can see! Lol) I didn't tell her I can't afford it, I bought her. I basically try WITHIN reason to buy them things they want, and they shouldn't be the odd one out in their class bc we struggle financially

amother

Burgundy

Sat, Jan 06 2018, 9:18 pm

amother wrote:

I think you'll find that WITHIN reason by you, will be seen very different in your children's eyes..

(I play back my childhood in my mind now as an adult, and see it very differently).

amother

Pumpkin

Sat, Jan 06 2018, 9:21 pm

I don't think one should hide their financial statues from their children.

What is very important to hide is the stress that the hardship causes you.

There's nothing wrong with telling a child that you can't afford such and such IF you don't create a tense atmosphere around money. A child should be made to feel secure in his parents hands even with the lack of money.

amother

Teal

Sat, Jan 06 2018, 9:24 pm

amother wrote:

I think you'll find that WITHIN reason by you, will be seen very different in your children's eyes..

(I play back my childhood in my mind now as an adult, and see it very differently).

OK could be, but what struck me was more that they poster said Im saving the money for zoo house ect

CDL

Sat, Jan 06 2018, 9:26 pm

amother wrote:

sounds to me like you are overcompensating.

amother

Burgundy

Sat, Jan 06 2018, 9:33 pm

amother wrote:

OK could be, but what struck me was more that they poster said Im saving the money for zoo house ect

Okay. and I think its a parenting style thing too, for sure.

your complaint was ' if there is money for a trip to the zoo, but we want to use that money to buy backpacks - why are you taking us to the zoo'. Why isn't what we want taken into account here.

my parents would have said -

we think spending money on a backpack that you don't need is a waste. spending money at the zoo isn't a waste (because its fun and educational, and good exercise) - therefore we are teaching you our value system.. and we hope that lesson gets reinforced. Zoo yes, backpack no... in the end of the day we are the parents, and its our money.

personally I think its a valuable lesson - but can be taken to the extreme if the voices of the kinder are always ignored!

southernbubby

Sat, Jan 06 2018, 9:33 pm

At some point in everybody's life, they have to learn or be taught how to manage money. My husband was the type who believed that putting money in the bank was a one way street in that a child deposited the money in his own account and could withdraw it after his or her wedding. It could also be invested but it could not be squandered.

Telling a child 'we can't afford it' when it comes to normal needs and wants will understandably cause resentments.

Saying that we have to 'be smart and get the best deal' makes the child feel proud to be a smart consumer.

Using cash, which many people no longer do, is easier for kids to understand the math;" if we have $10, we can by 3 avocados, a bag of apples, a bunch of bananas and a box of cereal, if we buy at a store that has good prices."

Children view credit cards as magic cards that allows the owner of the card to get whatever he likes. Obviously if people order groceries or other goods online, the child doesn't get tempted by what he sees in a store.

By the time that a child is old enough to understand that there are cheap shoes, clothes, or toys and there are the brands that the "in" crowd wears, they are old enough to be taught that some people spend extra money on snob appeal and that it doesn't always mean that the high priced items are better quality than less expensive ones. They may also be old enough to understand the difference between wants and needs and the limits of what the parents can spend.

amother

Pearl

Sat, Jan 06 2018, 9:54 pm

Obviously this is a controversial topic which is why the responses vary according to upbringing and financial status.

I believe if my chikdren want something we cant afford, I will tell them we cant afford it but im referring to food items. When it comes to foods, I am frugal because food is very expensive and adds up quickly and it is a luxury to get more expensive better snacks. I dont tell them if we are rich or poor and they dont worry about it because they get their basic needs met and still have good extras for shabbos school vacation summer....

I think it will teach them to budget because they will learn that we cant spend on that thing bec it is expensive but instead we will have money for what we need. One of my chikdren said "well everyonelse has abc not us so we are poor..." so then I explained that we boruch hashem have money for what we need. I also explained that some people buy things and accumulate debt and baruch hashem we dont have debt.

I grew up poor, so I want my children to appreciate what they have and to learn budgeting, while ill include them by saying "it is too expensive for us to buy"... I dont use the words rich or poor.

fbmommy

Sat, Jan 06 2018, 10:19 pm

I think there's a big difference between if you can afford and if you buy. I could theoretically spoil my kids way more than I am now but choose not to, because I don't want to spoil them. Then there are big ticket items that we cannot buy, but I don't tell them its because we can't. Why can't they not get everything they want without feeling poor?
If there was something that was very important to them (shoes, coat, etc.)then I would definitely buy it even if money was tight..