Feel so so so bad I hit my son

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Jan 25 2018, 11:16 pm

I'm going to add that it's not the pain of the potch that caused my son to behave, but the insult that he got a potch. I different time he got a potch and he started crying. I asked him if we should throw the potch in the garbage. He promised to behave...we took the potch off his hand and put it in the garbage. He was all smiles afterwards.

keym

Thu, Jan 25 2018, 11:33 pm

The thing is besides all the emotional harm that may or may not be caused. (We could debate it a different time. Imo potching trains a child like a dog, other discipline teaches a child.)

But for me the clincher is how hypicritical it is to model to our child to potch to get what we want. Even trying to explain about important things. But would you be ok if said child is hitting or being hit in school because "it was time to clean up and I was running out of time and I really, really needed the red marker and Chaim wouldnt cooperate so I potched him"? Why not? To a three year old the sense of urgency of the red marker is just as much as making the bus.
I would like to model the family rule "we only use our body in a hurting way if theres danger (fire, blood, poison, broken bones, cars, or a stranger)". Otherwise we find another way to ask for what we want.

lucky14

Thu, Jan 25 2018, 11:49 pm

keym wrote:

But for me the clincher is how hypicritical it is to model to our child to potch to get what we want. Even trying to explain about important things. But would you be ok if said child is hitting or being hit in school because "it was time to clean up and I was running out of time and I really, really needed the red marker and Chaim wouldnt cooperate so I potched him"? Why not? To a three year old the sense of urgency of the red marker is just as much as making the bus.

I very much agree with this. I'm shocked with some of the responses on here. Some of them sound so immature. And btw the OP wrote that she hit her child because she was upset. It sounds like emotions played a big role in this. I don't think that's OK at all to ever hit a child because you're upset at them. It's basically like a way of getting your anger/frustration out. (the OP realizes this was wrong it sounds like). I seriously don't understand how you guys can talk about "potching" (hitting) your children so casually.
Maybe my child is such an angel and I just don't understand how you could get so frustrated or feel like there was simply no other way to convey a message? Even so- they are CHILDREN. I don't agree that not hitting=spoiling (someone commented that kids these days are so spoiled). How can you be OK with hurting your child?

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Jan 25 2018, 11:57 pm

amother wrote:

For me missing the bus is serious. He stays home from school if he does. He thought he is playing a game. I had less than 30 seconds to discipline him. Any other form of discipline would take too long.

How can you justify sending your child off for a full day at school seconds after being potched?

unexpected

Thu, Jan 25 2018, 11:57 pm

I am not a potcher. Not a never-ever potcher but a once in 5 years potcher (divide that over a bunch of kids..) give or take a few months, I would say.
I just find it interesting that someone would call potching immature. It was the go-to punishment since the times of the Gemara, even before the concept of immaturity was invented! Outdated maybe, but not immature to potch a kid for deliberately antagonizing at crunch time. If you potched hard, that's a different story.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Jan 25 2018, 11:58 pm

lucky14 wrote:

Some parents over here sound like angels to me. I'm wondering what form of discipline you use. Or do you never discipline a child?
Aren't all forms of discipline somewhat hurtful to a child?

lucky14

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:03 am

unexpected wrote:

I wasn't calling potching immature I was saying that I think the way people are rationalizing it and talking about it sounded immature.

lucky14

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:10 am

amother wrote:

Some parents over here sound like angels to me. I'm wondering what form of discipline you use. Or do you never discipline a child?
Aren't all forms of discipline somewhat hurtful to a child?

My child is still young so I have many years ahead of me for discipline. I can't imagine hitting though. (my child is not so young that I don't discipline at all, I discipline with consequences).
I was/am a very sensitive person. I reacted not well to the "discipline" my parents gave me (no hitting involved) so I guess I'm extra sensitive in how I talk/act with my child.
If I ever have a child that is so out of control that I'm just so frustrated I plan on going to speak with a therapist or someone about how to react to their behavior. I doubt hitting will be suggested.

Last edited by lucky14 on Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:12 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Scarlet

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:10 am

amother wrote:

Some parents over here sound like angels to me. I'm wondering what form of discipline you use. Or do you never discipline a child?
Aren't all forms of discipline somewhat hurtful to a child?

You weren't addressing me, but I'll use your example above to explain. I've been in the seconds to the bus situation too. I drop down to the child's eye level, gently cup my hand under the chin, lower my voice and calmly say "We are now going to finish getting ready". I kiss the child and help them put on their shoes/clothes/ whatever. I then tell the child that next time Mommy wants him/her to do better.

I'm lucky that my mother was a very calm parent who rarely raised her voice and never potched. It's natural to me.

amother

Dodgerblue

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:16 am

amother wrote:

What do you do if child giggles in your face and runs away. Expects you to run after him...and if you do he runs away again?
Do you just grab him very tightly and get him dressed? Use up all your energy?

amother

Tangerine

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:17 am

amother wrote:

Your kids must be angels.. When my kids are making a fuss about getting dressed minutes before the bus that would never work.. I’m not a big potching fan but I definitely could see its effectiveness in such a scenario..

amother

Scarlet

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:24 am

My kids are good kids but definitely not angels! I have learnt how to defuse combative situations. The combination of direct eye contact, a measured tone, lowered voice and steady grip, will make most children stop fighting you. If the child runs off, you hold them in the same strong (not rough) grip, make eye contact again and repeat yourself. I rarely have to do it twice. Most episodes of disobedience follow a "dance" pattern of the parent trying to get the child to comply and the child defiantly disobeying. Get off the dance floor and stop the cycle before it escalates.

lucky14

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:24 am

amother wrote:

oh yes one other thing I didn't mention is that when I realize I'm getting frustrated with my child's behavior I give him a hug. It helps me calm down and it helps him too usually. Maybe try giving a hug instead next time- and don't roll your eyes, I'm serious. I think you should really try it.

Jewishfoodie

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:32 am

OMG! Different generation parent here... Hello! Nice to meet you fine young ladies.
"get yourself therapy immediately ?" That is literally funnier than anything I heard all day!

I'm not gonna come at you with "spare the rod, spoil the child." Gosh, I'm not THAT old. But G-d created cute tushies, soft, for a reason. That's where you smack. Never in the face. Avoid arms and legs; their natural instinct will be to defend themselves with their arms and legs. So, tush. And only when there's not enough time for words. So, if, say, your darling pulls his sister's hair, use your words. But if your darling threw a knife, ran into traffic, bit a child, stepped on a cat on purpose, tush. One or two firm. But do count to ten first. So you have control of the situation. And never never never hit til you feel he learned his lesson. No. One smack. Tops, two. You're not trying to maim him. You're trying to TEACH him.

You know when I get sick to my stomach and want to vomit, then go home and cry?

When I see a mom facing her child and lifting her hand and the child cringes and recoils in terror. That is a sign of a mom abusing the smack. But if you're a mom and your child cringes or assumes a defensive mode, you're emotionally scarring him.

THAT is when you hire a psychologist.

As previously stated, smacks are only for dangerous and life threatening issues. Use. Don't abuse.

And do give your child the smack test. If he cringes in fear, he's helpless and terrified.

NO child should EVER be helpless and terrified.
(Well, unless they're getting vaccinations. Then, I cringe in fear too. And the mammogram thing... )

Last edited by Jewishfoodie on Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:34 am; edited 2 times in total

Laiya

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:33 am

amother wrote:

We were trying to get out this morning and in a huge rush. I put on his shoes and he on purpose took it off to annoy me. So I got upset and hit him. I've been working so hard not to hit and keep calm but I lost it Sad

I told him in the car it makes me so sad when you don't listen to mommy and we will be late.....

OP, I have a dc who I could imagine doing exactly this, and it's beyond aggravating. For the future, the key is to plan. What helps me sometimes is to ask myself what my ideal response would have been?

First, what motivated your ds to take off his shoes after you put them on?

My dc is motivated by the need to feel self-sufficient and independent. Me putting on dc's shoes would have been a huge affront to that dc's dignity and guaranteed a power struggle.

What might work for my dc is, giving the choice to put shoes on alone or with help; or reminding dc that if we're fast enough then there will be time for hot cocoa before the bus comes, or taking an extra snack. Or, maybe inviting dc to race me--which of us can put our coats on first? (Usually, the hot cocoa wins Wink

Also, saying to do it "quickly" is too vague, it would have to be something like, By the time I count to five. Or point to a clock with a second hand.

But when I give orders, I am setting both of us up for a power struggle and we will both lose.

Also, when I am anxious, my anxiety transfers to dc and has the opposite effect of what I want. When I'm really nervous that we're running late, I need to be extra careful not to show it.

OP, when you're both calm, you can apologize to ds for hitting him. Tell him that even though you were upset, it was wrong to hit.
Maybe also ask him directly why he took his shoes off after you put them on? Tell him you will not get angry, you just want to understand. It might be enlightening!

Hth

amother

Scarlet

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:33 am

lucky14 wrote:

I agree with this. I have one child who went through a phase of refusing to go take a bath. I would tell him to go, he would ignore me. I would repeat myself, then more insistently, then I would yell. He'd finally drag his feet and go. Bedtime would be late and the evening routine was disrupted.
After a couple of days of this nightly "dance", I got off the dance floor. I prepared his clothes, walked over to where he was reading, gave him a hug and a kiss on his forehead and gently led him by the hand to the bathroom and said "enjoy!". After a few of days of doing this, he started going on his own as soon as I told him to.