Why is hosting so difficult for me?

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 10:54 am

I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me. People host families for Shabbos meals all the time, and I would love to do that too, but for me it is the biggest deal.

For example, this past Shabbos we hosted a family and this is what my week looked like: Monday I made the menu, Tuesday I went shopping and cooked in the evening, Wednesday I went shopping in a different store because the first store didn't have a few ingredients that I needed. That evening I cooked as well. Thursday I went back to the first store to get fresh fish and fruit and to the dollar store to get some serving pieces I was missing. Cooked some more in the evening. Friday I spent the entire morning and early afternoon cooking and ran back to the store again for two things I realized I was missing. Shabbos morning I spent about 2 hours setting the table, choosing serving pieces, making salads, etc. At the actual seudah I didn't even get to enjoy any of the delicious food I made because I was so busy serving, clearing, etc.
Shabbos afternoon, spent half hour cleaning up, motzei shabbos spent an hour and half washing all the dishes, putting away table and chairs, etc.
Sunday morning, spent half an hour putting away all the dried dishes.

I am hours behind on my work and all my to do lists in the house. But I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I honestly just want to know why everyone else pulls this off all the time and for me it is a huge effort to host for one meal. Does it involve this much time and work for everyone? Is it that everyone else has more help than me? (My husband works very long hours so is not available to help at all besides for the cleanup on Shabbos/mtzsh) Maybe I work extra slow in the kitchen? Anyone relate to this and have some advice for me?

Mommy1:)

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 11:02 am

it used to be harder for me as well. I now do the following:
-make the menu and lists early
-confirm what I do have and put everything on the shopping list to limit shopping trips.
-modify the menu to reduce things that involve extra work (no individual handmade items)
-think mass production. 9/13 pans of cake (no cookies); 9/13 pans of veggies/starch/protein. if it takes more than 5 minutes per dish to prep and throw in the oven, I replace the item with something else.
-set the table and candles by thursday night.

cheeseblintz

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 11:29 am

Would be easier if you make sure you have everything before going to the store. Also, no recipes with ingredients that your go-to store wouldn't have.
If a guest asks what to bring, ask for fruit so you don't have to make a special trip for it.
Cook and freeze one or two things on Monday or Tuesday to reduce the work.
Use a dishwasher.
Other than that, yes, it's a lot of work to host.

Raisin

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 11:41 am

I host people every week. I wish I knew how many in advance but I literally have no idea. This week I was expecting about 15 but I think it was more like 20 or more.

This is my schedule.

Wednesday morning - go to supermarket and buy any kosher items I need. Take out chicken and put in fridge to defrost.

Thursday evening: Make dips, dessert. There is a store next to my house if I missing ingredients for these but I try and make sure I have them in the house already. Then I do an online delivery of things like fruit, veg, rice, drinks, etc to be delivered friday morning.

Friday - make challa, and the rest of food. I do mostly the same food each week but side dishes vary. I often make triple amounts of kugel or dessert and freeze the extras for another week.

My cleaning lady comes in the afternoon and cleans the kitchen and the rest of the house.

amother

Blue

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 11:52 am

You do seem to be doing a lot of unnecessary work. I do have cleaning help which definitely is a big piece, but everything else I do myself. While I do make nicer food than I do for just us, it doesn't actually take that much longer. Fancy food doesn't have to mean more steps and more ingredients. A nice cut of meat will stand out as impressive even if the seasoning/sauce is simple, as long as you cook the meat properly. And you can have some standbys that are easy to double or triple. I imagine now that you've picked up some new serving pieces, you're not going to need to do that next time. Not sure why setting a table should take 2 hours. Even if I want to do something special with the table (and I usually don't, it's really not necessary), that just means putting out chargers and maybe a vase of flowers. Not to mention table is the easiest to get kids involved, the tasks are fairly simple and can be done at quite a young age. What were you doing that took 2 hours? Folding the napkins into swans? I'm honestly curious. My DH works long hours too, but there's no reason he can't help serve on Shabbos. He actually does more serving/clearing than I do, because he recognizes how much hosting involves. And while serving is something only older kids can help with, younger kids can help clear the table. So yeah, I'd focus on enlisting more family help with the serving and clearing.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:06 pm

I knew a wonderful woman who was always so upbeat and cheerful. She had 8 kids under 10, husband in kollel, and both worked in kiruv as well. Every Shabbos she hosted 15 to 20 people, at least.

Her tables were unbelievable. Matching paper goods, tablecloths, flowers, etc. All color coordinated. 2 main dishes, 5 salads, 6 kugels, a dozen dips, (and a partidge in a pear tree!)

One time I was helping her tidy up after lunch, and I jokingly said to her "You must start cooking on Monday!" and she said "Actually, Sunday morning." She wasn't kidding. Her entire week is dedicated to Shabbos, and she had it down to a science. She made it look like she just snapped her fingers and it all cooked on it's own!

I found it really comforting to think that if this "Jewish Superwoman" took an entire week to plan and make her meals, then little old me can't be held to such high standards. It also helped that she was incredibly modest about the whole thing, and wasn't a show off.

OK, that was kind of rambling. My point is that not all of us are cut out to be the Hostess with the Mostess. Some of us are born that way, some of us learn how, and some of us are just not meant to entertain large amounts of people. Some enjoy the hustle and bustle of preparing like it's Pesach every week, and some of us would have a nervous breakdown!

Hashem gave all of us different talents. If entertaining is not one of yours, don't beat yourself up. If you want to host company, keep it simple, and cultivate a charming personality.

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:08 pm

amother wrote:

Please share with me how you succeeded to get your husband to do this! Would love to know. IMO men end to start to talk and talk and they forget time and place Rolling Eyes

amother

Papaya

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:10 pm

The more you do it, the easier it gets. Really.

To recap what some posters have said, stick to simple foods. A well-prepared roast chicken is at least as good as some fussy chicken construction.

The table should be set as you usually set it.
No need for Instagram worthy tablescapes, unless that's something you enjoy. If you want to use nicer napkins, fine.

Why did you need to buy serving dishes? What were you using up to now?

My suggestion. Try upgrading shabbos without guests. Then start inviting a few people who are easy to please. Eventually you can work your way up to fancy hostessing, if that's what you want to do.

watergirl

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:20 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Please share with me how you succeeded to get your husband to do this! Would love to know. IMO men end to start to talk and talk and they forget time and place Rolling Eyes

We cant expect them to be mind readers. Want help? Ask for it! I’ll lean over and tell DH that its his turn. He’ll clear the fish plates and bring in cholent, etc. drinks, ice... whatever I ask him to. Asking is key.

Fox

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:23 pm

My guess, OP, is that you're somewhere on your way up the learning curve. It does get easier. You develop routines and go-to menus.

A couple of thoughts that may or may not apply:

* As other posters have commented, don't get sucked into the foodie culture. It's great that we have so many magazines, cookbooks, and exotic ingredients these days; kosher food no longer is limited to a brisket and a kugel. The downside is that it has upped the ante for home cooking and comfort food. I have adopted a very strict chumra in my kitchen: anything with more than five ingredients is treif. I'm kidding. Sort of.

* Along with the above advice, don't be afraid to use prepared ingredients and even take-out food to supplement your menu. You don't have to make every marinade from scratch or milk your own goat.

* Serve family style as much as possible rather than plating in the kitchen. This is keeps you in the kitchen less and makes it easier for guests to help serve. Don't hesitate to put them to work, btw.

* Assign jobs to family members before the seuda. I personally prefer not to involve my DH in the serving because I want him directing the seuda, but as my kids got old enough to help, things usually went better if I gave instructions ahead of time. Even just thinking through who should do what was helpful.

* Buy one of those restaurant busing bins from Sam's Club or GFS or wherever. Fill it with hot soapy water right before Shabbos. When plates are cleared, put them in immediately to make for an easier cleanup.

* Completely overwhelmed? Disposables! I love, love, love elegant tables, and I completely support people putting time, effort, and money into a beautiful Shabbos tisch. That said, there are times to declare it a "fun" or "relaxed" Shabbos, purchase some colorful disposables, and defy anybody to so much as raise an eyebrow.

Remember, people are coming for your company, not for the gastronomic experience or to be entertained. If you think about the most memorable Shabbos meals you've experienced, the food and environment was probably secondary; what you remember is likely the warmth of the people you were with.

heidi

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:24 pm

OP, what are you serving? And how many people are you hosting? My lunch meals usually consist of salads (some bought some made that day) and salmon fillet (2 minutes of prep time)
Main is grilled pargiyot, chicken cutlets, rice, chulent and salad. Maybe carrot muffins, maybe deli roll depending on the crowd. I make my own challot and desserts and usually start Friday am and finish 3 hours later.
What are we doing differently?

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:27 pm

Thank you so much for all the replies and suggestions! To clarify - the 2 hours on Shabbos morning wasn't only setting the table - it was all the prep including cleaning the house, cutting up salads, putting dips, pickles, etc. into serving dishes. We moved internationally recently with very little luggage and I still haven't gotten a complete set of serving pieces so I spent a while stressing about which serving pieces to use for which foods. I also spent way too much time trying to figure out exactly when to take out each food to warm up on the plata and how to fit it all on. I guess it was 2 hours of both actual preparing and a lot of stressing.

As for the shopping, I don't really see a way around those 3 trips (the 4th one on Friday I could've avoided by not forgetting those two items). I had to go shopping early in the week so I could start cooking and I also had to pick up fresh fish and fruit closer to Shabbos. The store where I get most of my things didn't have some very important ingredients so I had to go to the second store on Wednesday, which makes for 3 shopping trips Crying

watergirl

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:32 pm

I host all the time. As a guest, I find that I prefer the homes with more simple foods than the patchkie foods. I dont notice when there are a ton of dips and while I recognize and appreciate that its much cheaper to make them from scratch, as a guest, I couldn't care less. If you can afford to buy them, buy them. I dont think homemade dips taste better - although I'm not a salads and dips person honestly anyways. Also as a guest, I'm so totally fine with one main course, and if its lunch, the main is the cholent or chicken or whatever. I dont need cholent AND chicken.

As a host - I make my list maybe on Thursday. I shop Thursday night or my husband shops friday morning. I make challah Thursday night. I typically serve challah, fish, chumus, then cholent, ONE kugel, salad, and maybe deli roll or deli. MAYBE I'll serve chicken if its left from Friday night, or maybe I'll save leftovers for a weeknight meal. If I'm feeling fancy, I'll make something with quinoa. Thats already a ton of food. Dessert is one thing also. If a guest offers to bring something, fab.

Platters - I dont have them honestly. I have a few but they are so big and heavy, I dont bother. Cholent goes out in the crock - I'm not making one more dish dirty and scraping it clean is a headache that I dont want. Kugel gets plated on a regular china plate. Salad in a salad bowl.

I just recently got a dishwasher. Before then, I washed dishes also.

I have my kids get up and help and by now, my husband jumps up to clear plates and brings stuff out also. One of us sits while the other serves. Its my shabbos also, my table also. But it didnt happen overnight. I married a considerate man but I had to tell him what I needed. Now he knows. Of course if he's mid conversation, I dont expect him to jump up. And if I'm mid conversation, he doesnt expect me to.

Simplify your meals and ask for help.

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:35 pm

heidi wrote:

It was 7 people.
I served salmon, dips, 3 salads (lettuce, cabbage & bean), shnitzel, corned beef, cholent, mushroom rice, broccoli kugel, cranberry apple kugel, roasted cauliflower, deli for the kids, dessert was chocolate mousse pie, crumb cake and fresh fruit.

watergirl

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:36 pm

amother wrote:

The weeks you have guests are perfect weeks to make either frozen gefilta fish or frozen tilapia. There, just eliminated the need for another trip - no fresh fish needed. Make ONE salad and ONE dip. Not salads and dips. Food goes on the plata at 10:00 and is hot by 12. the food that doesnt need as long goes on at 10 also, but on top of something else.

Last edited by watergirl on Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:39 pm; edited 1 time in total

watergirl

Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:39 pm

amother wrote:

Thats 3 salads, 3 MAINS, a 4th main for the kids, 4 side dishes, and 3 desserts! WHY? And salmon is also a main, honestly. Are you making those dips?

You dont have to do this to yourself. Not to mention that its very very costly to do this. You will burn out your wallet and energy.

Last edited by watergirl on Mon, Apr 23 2018, 12:41 pm; edited 1 time in total