Guests arriving in middle of night

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 2:42 am

Im quit new to having guests . We recently moved in to a bigger house where we have a guest room with a bathroom in that room . In the beginning we only hosted family but recently with the amount of simchas in our area b"h ppl started asking if they can use our guest room.
Last night a guest arrived at 2.45 am . We knew a few hours earlier that his flight is landing after midnight but had no number to call . Dh stayed up and dressed . I couldn't fall asleep cos I felt so bad for dh.
Then I had to get up for baby and at 7 for the other children .

I don't think we've ever done it to our hosts. Even when we travel to our parents we always try to arrive at a decent time

I guess this is just a vent (because I doubt ppl change their flights for this )
and making the mitzvah of hachnosas orchim more special .
Thanks for listening

33055

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 2:58 am

amother wrote:

This is why people give up doing that mitzvah.

You and future stranger guests would be better off if you set up clear boundaries and better communication.

It is ridiculous DH had to stay up until 3. It is ridiculous the guest and person who arranged for the guest did not work out a more considerate way for the host family to accommodate the guest.

devash1

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 4:27 am

I agree with everyone above if you don't set strict policies now about when people can arrive you will get burned out and not want to do this mitzvah at all. I find having sleepover guess very difficult even if they arrive at a normal hour. I'm personally just not comfortable with strangers sleeping in my house. It's so great that you want to do this.

abound

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 5:31 am

I am happy to host and do it often. In a case where they told you the guest is arriving after midnight, you should have been upfront and said I would love to host them but please put the person up for that night elsewhere and they can come to me at 8A or 9A etc. It is understood that he would not get to you till at least 2 hours after the plane lands.

ttbtbm

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 7:24 am

heidi wrote:

Sometimes flights get delayed. In that case the Baal simcha comes to my home and I show him everything so he can show his guest. I tell him how to get his guest into the house. And I go to sleep. It's his responsibility. Not mine.

Exactly. It should be the responsibility of the person making the Simcha. When we put in a guest room and bathroom with a separate entrance we were called almost every week by our neighbors who wanted to put their guests up in our guest room. It was our pleasure and we got to meet many lovely people. But some guests overstayed their welcome. Some just hanging out till late motzaei Shabbos and others through Sunday afternoon. Not what we were expecting when someone asked us to put up their Shabbos guests for Shabbos! Now when someone asks us to host, I clearly tell them that it’s our pleasure but the space is available from Friday through motzaei Shabbos as that is also our workspace/study with computer... which we use once Shabbos is over.
Some people have said thanks but no thanks and plenty of others continue to come. Most importantly, I don’t feel resentful and know (somewhat 😊) what to expect.

amother

Coral

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 7:31 am

I’ve gone to hosts at that time, and guests have come to me. They never wait up for me and we’d be horrified if they did. We get the combo, key under mat, or door unlocked, with a detailed text or note where were sleeping and usually snacks / tradition soup on the counter. I don’t get what the big deal is. As long as they’re quiet and don’t wake up the household.

33055

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 7:44 am

amother wrote:

I wouldn't leave my door unlocked, the key under the mat, nor do I give out the combo. I have been robbed.

More important is my family's safety.

amother

cornflower

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 8:10 am

It’s unacceptable

Perhaps there was a miscommunication here or flight delay but completely unacceptable to expect a stranger who is letting you stay in his house to wait up at that hour

If I landed at that time I cannot imagine I would knock on someone’s door I don’t even know- maybe I would stay in the airport or try to find a hotel

Did you tell them it’s ok to show up in the middle of the night ? If so, I hope you never do that again!

33055

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 8:28 am

amother wrote:

Give the key or code and all instructions to their host. They can go there from the airport and the hosts can bring them to your house. You can go to sleep.

I was robbed by the relative of a friend. I wouldn't give my code out like that. There are bad people everywhere.

I had a room and strangers were calling to host their guests. It is foolish to give out your code randomly.

amother

Tan

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 9:30 am

I live in small ranch (1,500 sq feet) but with a full 1,500 sq foot basement. So my basement is half my living space. We have a huge playroom there with shelves and shelves of games and toys, plus my laundry room and extra fridge and freezer. We also have a guest bedroom and bathroom there. When I show my guest the guest suite, it seemed obvious to me that we weren't cordoning off half our house and giving up access to our playroom, laundry room and freezer, but we have had guests that "took over" the entire basement and didn't let (!) us come down and use our own stuff/space. I am telling you this to (a) don't assume people have common sense, and (b) set very clear boundaries. Now, when I show guests around, I tell them specifically "we will be coming down to the basement from time to time to play and use stuff." (Obviously no one spends time there if someone is sleeping, but we certainly go to get games). Also, these guests have brought down and eaten whole meals down there, which I think is rude to do without asking the host! So I also say "and please don't eat in our basement. If someone needs a snack, you are welcome to come up and eat in the kitchen." (Of course, when I made my bar mitzvahs, I made very sure my guests were never hungry and would never have to buy food on their own and eat it at their stranger-host house, but that's for another thread!)

OP - in your case, you need to tell the baal simcha you're going to sleep at whatever time (say 11) and make arrangements for the guest to sleep elsewhere for the night or, if you're comfortable, tell guest your code or leave the door unlocked. We have never ever expected a host to wait up for us, and like someone else wrote above, would be horrified if they did.

I am happy to have guests when my neighbors are making a simcha since when I made a simcha I had to rely on my wonderful neighbors to do the same.

thunderstorm

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 9:44 am

Squishy wrote:

That's terrible. I agree, unfortunately even in our frum community we can't just give out numbers. I had a neighbor who was robbed by two frum people that were their Shabbos guests. So I totally understand the idea of not giving out your code. And if you DO give out your code, make sure to change it after the guests leave.

amother

cornflower

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 9:46 am

thunderstorm wrote:

How do you change it??

33055

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 10:19 am

thunderstorm wrote:

I know don't know how to do it but I've seen previous landlords do it and I think there is a way to reset it and I know my mother changed her number on hers too after she didn't want certain people to access her home that had knowledge of her code.

I would not bother changing it because it is a process. I have kids who need to remember the codes. Changing it after guests would be confusing. They can't have it.

dancingqueen

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 10:25 am

Squishy wrote:

ITA. And I am even more worrisome is my children’s safety with a strange man waltzing in at 3 am. I would never be comfortable with that, so if this is one less mitzvah that I can do, I guess so be it. My children come first.

ETA: but in my world no one would ask someone else to do a favor like that, the guy would stay at a hotel or with the hosts.

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 10:33 am

Op here
Thanks for all your responses . I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this is not the norm .
In my area we can't leave key under mat . A lot of robberies here .
We did research about the guest before he came and he's a normal person so I'm not worried about my children . I actually met him before and he seems very nice . Even bought us a really nice cake .
I b"h managed to catch up on some sleep while baby napped

In the future I will set rules .
I like the idea of the Baal simcha having a key or the combination and letting the guest in .

Next guest arriving a day after this one is leaving . Flight landing after midnight and it's a family member . Another sleepless night coming up Wink

(hub will pick him up from airport so hopefully I will sleep)