Guests arriving in middle of night

keym

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 10:39 am

dancingqueen wrote:

ITA. And I am even more worrisome is my children’s safety with a strange man waltzing in at 3 am. I would never be comfortable with that, so if this is one less mitzvah that I can do, I guess so be it. My children come first.

ETA: but in my world no one would ask someone else to do a favor like that, the guy would stay at a hotel or with the hosts.

Totally curious no judgement. If you were making a shabbos bar mitzva and your parents, in laws, 2 married with kids siblings, and 2 sibling in laws would all stay in your house or hotels?
Interesting. I dont have the room and there are no hotels within 1.5 miles from my house/shul.
So I have hosted friends relatives and asked neighbors to host mine.
Of course I agree the 3 am thing is ridiculous.
If my uncle was coming and going to stay by my neighbor but arriving after 11, id either tell him to take a hotel for that night or crash on my couch and id bring him to the neighbor the next day.

But im really curious about the hosting thing.

amother

Tan

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 11:02 am

keym wrote:

I'm with you (and I'm the poster with the small house). In our out of town city, when someone makes a simcha over Shabbos (which usually means a bar mitzvah), the baal simcha could have as much as 50-100 relatives come for shabbos. And no hotels in the area within walking distance to shuls (let alone eiruv issues). So here it;s standard (and beautiful) that everyone hosts each other's company. I've had people I didn't know well offer their guest rooms to us. BH for nice OOTers!

moonstone

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 11:12 am

dancingqueen wrote:

Same here. I'll host my own friends and family, but only when I'm home- I'd never lend out my home when I'm not there. And as for strangers? No, I'm not the type to do that even if I'm home. I know a lot of people let strangers use their home as a free hotel, but I could never do that.

ETA: And someone showing up at 3 am is beyond rude. I can't even!

Last edited by moonstone on Fri, Apr 27 2018, 11:24 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Wine

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 11:21 am

keym wrote:

I'm in Israel, in a community where barely anybody will ask you to host their guests.
If you have a shabbat bar mitzva, you can either go fancy and do it all in a hotel, or what most people do is rent a hostel/simple dorms and invite all their guests there. It doesnt need to even be in the same area as the host's home, but wherever is most convenient for everyone. The host stays there too obviously.
I do know someone who didnt want the expense and so he hosted in his small apartment, and limited the guests to only parents and grandparents.
I would not be up to hosting random guests, at all.

amother

Tan

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 11:42 am

amother wrote:

Ok, well, if you live where I live (Detroit) and your entire family on both sides lives in NY and Lakewood, and all 100 come for a simcha, you obviously rely on neighbors to host your guests right? I mean, there's no hotels near any shuls.
And your neighbors will all ask you to host your guests. And you do it for each other bec. that's part of living in a lovely out of town neighborhood where we are there for each other.
How else could you make a simcha with all those people coming in??

(I just reread your post. There are no "dorms" available where I live either).

mommyla

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 11:45 am

And in my community in Lakewood, we all gladly host each others' guests for simchas. We have had some unbelievably inconsiderate guests who have made it to our family lore, but overall the experiences have been positive. Waiting up until 3 am is way beyond the call of duty, though. Did the guest feel bad that you waited for him?!

SixOfWands

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 12:22 pm

keym wrote:

In my community, people offer to host guests from out of the community. But that's almost always limited to Shabbat. If you come in on a Thursday night, you can stay in a hotel that night.

(As for the 3 am thing, a friend of mine has a saying, "all the nopes in nopeville.")

keym

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 12:26 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

I love that saying. Im gonna have to remember it to use on my kids.

Raisin

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 12:45 pm

We often get asked to host people for shabbos. There are small hotels and airbnbs around so mostly people use those but in some circumstances I do host sleeping guests. I am much more hesitant to host men for the safety issue, although an abusive person could be your favourite uncle or brother in law, so teach your kids how to be safe!

Its almost always only friday night though...what a chutzpah to arrive at someones house in the middle of the night. I don't have money but I would rather spend the money on a hotel room then do that to a stranger. (even a family member...)

animeme

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 1:05 pm

To everyone saying they only host Friday night, do the guests move to a hotel for Motzai Shabbos if they need to leave Sunday morning due to the length of the drive or timing of a flight?

Also, for people who don't give keys for arrival, do you not give them to the guests once Shabbos starts and then have to stay up until they get in after their seudah Friday night?

amother

cornflower

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 1:29 pm

Op, everyone agrees that it is unacceptable what the guest did... even though it wasn’t on purpose

It’s a learning experience- in the future you can say that hosting can only work if guests arrive by 10pm

Hope you both catch up on your sleep on shabbos!

amother

Seashell

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 2:32 pm

I’m sorry I would never let stranger sleep in my house while I have my children there too. My parents never did that either for our own safety.I have sister who lives in Ohio and because we are more in NY they are making all their simchas in NY. She obviously can’t accommodate 100+ people in Ohio and it only makes sense to do it in NY.

My kids safety comes first. “ Stranger danger “[quote]

amother

Lavender

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 4:31 pm

ttbtbm wrote:

Exactly. It should be the responsibility of the person making the Simcha. When we put in a guest room and bathroom with a separate entrance we were called almost every week by our neighbors who wanted to put their guests up in our guest room. It was our pleasure and we got to meet many lovely people. But some guests overstayed their welcome. Some just hanging out till late motzaei Shabbos and others through Sunday afternoon. Not what we were expecting when someone asked us to put up their Shabbos guests for Shabbos!

This post made me laugh and laugh.

Where I live, Los Angeles, the entire New York world seems to believe that our homes are their hotel rooms. Whenever there's a simcha, say for a shabbos bar mitzvah, I've had people stay from Wednesday through Monday. I usually say yes, but once in a while I've put my foot down (four bachurim who stay for a week for their friend's wedding, because boys always always always trash the place.). And you're upset they stay until Sunday morning?

I made myself anonymous, because I tell everyone, "Can you imagine if I called up a random New York person and said, "I heard you have a basement. You don't know me, but can I come with my fourteen children for a week?"" And yet, I get those calls WEEKLY.

As for the OP, 2:45am seems a bit difficult. Next time call the Baal Simcha and have him deal with it. We've had that situation, and we've stayed up late. The mitzvah was certainly that much bigger!

amother

Olive

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 5:05 pm

I host guests in my basement very very often. I have a side entrance with a deadbolt and a combination. The deadbolt is locked at all times except when there are guests. I give the bal simcha or whoevers guests im hosting the combination, unlock the deadbolt and the guests come and go as they please. When they leave the deadbolt is locked again.

amother

Wine

Sat, Apr 28 2018, 1:21 pm

amother wrote:

It's great you live in a community where everyone feels good about doing this. There are lots of places like that in Israel too (mainly small yeshuvim).
Personally I would be very uncomfortable with strangers in my house. I have a small guest room, and enough kids' rooms that I can vacate one more, but there is no separate entrance and I would not be comfortable with strangers walking around at night.
I host family all the time, and the kids' friends, but not strangers.
I guess though that if someone lived in a place like Detroit with no cheap accomodations for a group, maybe it would be an idea to have the party in NY or Lakewood, where all the guests live? Is there nowhere there?
If not, it's a great idea for a business venture. Lots of places like that in Israel, that specialize in Shabbat chatan etc.

amother

Pewter

Sat, Apr 28 2018, 2:32 pm

I also live in israel and people don't really have spare bedrooms for guests who are not family. I can have my kids double up when the grandparents visit and my seminary niece can sleep on an air mattress but no way am I hosting strangers like that. We made our Shabbat bar mitzvah at a kibbutz with guest houses. This is very standard. We get invited to bar mitzvah and Shabbat chattan weekends like this all the time. If you're more well off you can do a weekend in a hotel.
There are also Airbnb rentals in my neighborhood so if your guests can afford that or you want to foot the bill that's also an option.

Bnei Berak 10

Sat, Apr 28 2018, 4:46 pm

amother wrote:

Weekly calls from people who want to use your basement for almost a week?
From Wed to Mon?
This is IMO total chutzpa. No words.