Bringing in the kids from Israel

amother

Khaki

Thu, May 24 2018, 11:34 am

Mazel Tov I have two sibilings engaged now and both weddings will be in August. Between the ufrufs weddings and shabbos sheva brachos there will be a lot of traveling as we are in three very different cities - long drives or flights apart. My parents do not help out any of the married kids with travel costs it is expected for all of us to attend the weddings and shabbos sheva brachos and we will pay for it ourselves.

I have a brother in Israel with three kids who expects to be brought in and have flights and car rentals arranged and paid for him. My parents told him they will give him 3000 towards travel and he can decide what he wants to do.

My brother is very upset and is insulted. He says all his friends get brought in and everything paid and arranged for them. Where is he supposed to come up with the money to pay for everything. Do my parents not love him and not want him at the Simchas?!?! I think he is being ridiculous. 3000 in very generous especially since no one else is getting a dime and everyone has lots of traveling to do. He chose to live in Israel and he chose to stay in learning and this is one of the consequences. You either come up withe the cash to go to simchos or you miss them.

It is really bothering me that this should be a time of simcha and this is causing such hard feelings between my mother and brother and they both complaining about each other to other family members. What is your arrangement for simchos with the Israeli sibilings?

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, May 24 2018, 11:46 am

amother wrote:

. What is your arrangement for simchos with the Israeli sibilings?

Hasn't happened yet (we did not fly in anyone when my DD was born). My joy would be increased if Dh's sisters were at DDs wedding...long way off.... so if we could, I'd fly them in (in the mean time, I daven for them to have good incomes).. however - wouldn't put myself into financial peril to do so.

My dad flew in dear aunt of his from EY for my wedding - and it made the the day that much more special for me. I've learned from that example.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, May 24 2018, 11:52 am

honestly? can I go off at a tangent? just keep out! You cannot solve this problem! just dont get involved at all!
I live in EY and my parents have brought us out a few times. I have a close friend who is always complaining that I get to go so often (five times in thirteen years) and she doesnt and you know what? I feel for her but she has other areas in her life which are easier! you cannot compare to other people. It is just not helpful. eg I come from a very small family and she is one of 11. if I do not go to simchos, it can mean my mother sits on her own.

I never found it helpful when siblings interfere.

amother

Khaki

Thu, May 24 2018, 11:58 am

amother wrote:

I am not interfering but I happen to be close to my brother and mother and they are venting to me about each other. As much as I can say to them I don't want to talk about this it still comes up. I did not share my opinion that I think my brother is ridiculous with either of them - only here. I came here to vent and to find out for my own curiousity what is generally done.

amother

Pearl

Thu, May 24 2018, 11:59 am

Obviously your brother is not owed an all-expenses paid trip for the whole family, but you do write that your parents are expecting everyone to attend the weddings and Sheva brachos. Well, they can't have it both ways. If they can't pay and your brother can't pay, then he's not going to be there. Which is unfortunate, but it happens when family is far flung. So while it isn't nice of your brother to make demands, your parents are not fair in expecting him to make the trip but not pay for it (assuming 3000 really isn't enough for him to make it work). Parents are under no obligation to pay for simcha related expenses, but then they've no right to insist on expensive particulars.

amother

Khaki

Thu, May 24 2018, 12:08 pm

amother wrote:

Sorry if I was not clear. My parents are expecting all the married kids who live in America to attend all weddings and Sheva brachos and they are not helping out and we are gladly paying our way. My brother in Israel is not expected to come to everything. He can take the money and do as he pleases - bring himself in - bring him and his wife and farm the kids - find cheap tickets and just come to one event etc - or add money and bring the whole family....

amother

Pearl

Thu, May 24 2018, 12:22 pm

amother wrote:

Ok, I hear. Then yeah, your brother has some tough choices to make. Nothing you can really do about it, nor should you. Try to change the subject when one complains to you about the other.

amother

Brown

Thu, May 24 2018, 12:24 pm

amother wrote:

Mazel tov.

Your brother is an adult, raising 3 kids. Its not "insulting" for Mommy and Daddy to refuse to pay the expenses of an adult. In fact, doing so is insulting, making him appear to be a child rather than an adult.

Moreover, $3000 is more than enough money for him to travel to the US, with a heap of money left over for him to rent a car to do the domestic trip. He can stay with family while here, presumably. In fact, if he's willing to fly WOW, it might be enough for the whole family. albeit without anything left over. For a family (your parents) that is making two weddings in a short time -- $$$$$ -- that's pretty generous.

But even if its not, he needs to grow up. If he can't make it, he can't make it. But that's not your parents' responsibility.

That said, keep out of it.

seeker

Thu, May 24 2018, 12:39 pm

amother wrote:

My response would be: "I wish there was a way to make everyone happy, this should be a time of shalom and simcha." Rinse and repeat.

Strongly agree with this being the "right" response. Realistically, though, if they kept bringing it up then at some point I'd probably lose my patience and snap at the brother "If you're not happy with the $3000 then I'll take it because getting to this wedding isn't going to be cheap or easy for me either!"

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, May 24 2018, 12:46 pm

amother wrote:

You are totally right. Your brother is an adult and as such, he should at his age be able to figure out and manage his finances himself without reaching out to parents. That's adulthood. That's life.

animeme

Thu, May 24 2018, 1:03 pm

I may be wrong, but I'm hearing that it's often logistically and financially difficult for you too to always attend, but you are expected so you do so, and this is coloring your reactions. I say to you that the same standards apply, just with different logistics. If it's too much for you, you say so and bow out respectfully. You also have choices. If your parents object, you tell them you can't swing it this time, and they can make their own choices about what to do in terms of giving or not.

amother

Khaki

Thu, May 24 2018, 1:09 pm

amother wrote:

It also depends on what's the norm in your circle/community. By us it's the norm that parents bring In the kids to their simchas. It's part of the wedding expense. But $3000 is a very generous offer! It's very common to leave the kids behind for a wedding & the couple comes themselves.

It is very common for the parents to bring in the Israeli kids in our circles which is why he has this resentment that he is not getting that. The two weddings are two and half weeks apart from each other. He can give his kids to neighbors/relatives and come in for just one wedding.

To the poster who said I should tell him hes getting 3000 im getting nothing - my head is screaming that line. This is not the first time there is issues with him coming to a simcha and money. Last time I made a comment to him you know that the only person getting money is you don't complain. He was very upset at me, he lives in israel he has no money bla bla bla. I am really not getting involved this time but the situation is really bothering me so I am venting here!!

amother

Cobalt

Thu, May 24 2018, 1:09 pm

I'm sorry you are put in the middle of this.
When they each call you to vent, I would suggest to say nicely, but firmly, "I do not wish to discuss this and be put in the middle. I love you both." Rinse and repeat.

People who choose to make aliyah (myself included) must understand that no one is obligated to "bring them in" for any reason.
My parents made it VERY clear when I made aliyah that they will not contribute financially to any trips I take to come see the family. They feel it's my choice to live far away from everyone else and I am on my own dime.
It's their money and they're right--it is my choice to move away from them.
BH I am in a financial position where I am (usually) able to fly in for a simcha.

amother

Khaki

Thu, May 24 2018, 1:18 pm

animeme wrote:

It is definitely a big shelp and an expense to come but bh I have the money and what better way to spend my time and money than on simchas? We are a big family living across the US (and one in Israel) and we don't see each other so often. When I sibiling of mine gets married I will make sure to attend the wedding. Yes some money from my parents would be nice but its not going to make or break me attending a sibilings wedding.