How much do I ask MIL to help with kids?

imorethanamother

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 6:03 pm

amother wrote:

We live an hour away from MIL. But for 3 years we lived 5 minute walk. She doesn't, didnt, help, ever. She feels she is done. She also doesn't feel an achrayus.
I dont think it's right, but I dont let it effect my relationship with her, or dh.
To explain- she is a preschool assistant, so she is capable. Which makes it harder for us all to swallow, how uninterested she is in the grandkids. It's mind boggling. Not just in helping, but even if she comes for a shabbos meal, she doesn't show interest in them.
But her preschool students love ger, and the parents do to.
Cuz that she enjoys.

Anyhow, like I said, I still have a good relationship and deal with what I have. She hosts us for shabbos 2-3 times a yr. That's about all we get from her. But hey, she's my kids gramma and I will only say good thing and when she is around, I still encourage the kids to approach her and try to engage. Sometimes it goes better than others.

Sigh

Atleast my dh is a excellent father, loves nd is connected to the kids very much.
Atleast the detachment wasnt genetic. Just her personality.

2-3 times a year is a lot! That's awesome! Sometimes it helps to get perspective from my grandparents. It's quite shocking how different times were. You got married, then you took care of your parents AND your kids. You hosted your parents for yom tov, or you just made Yom Tov yourself.

In general, and I include myself here, I think our generation is very infantile. We still want to be babied and taken care of and pampered. But you're in the peak of your strength, and you don't realize how very different it feels to be that age. Things are more exhausting, things are more anxiety producing. You honestly won't understand it until you're in it.

As for not engaging, that is sad, but hosting her would help more. Also, it's a teeny tiny bit possible that as a daughter in law, you give a different vibe than,say, her students. It's YOUR children, and she might feel uncomfortable in some ways - maybe she feels like she'll be criticized, maybe she doesn't know how you'd like her to engage. Anyway, just a thought.

To me, I think my in-laws are also very emotionally distant compared to my own parents and the way they act with my kids. But shockingly, when asked, my kids feel like they're very close to my in-laws. I have no idea how, it's not like they have one-on-one conversations with them. Sometimes just being near them and around them - the sheer proximity - is all the closeness your kids need.

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 6:08 pm

Thank you for the replies. I was looking for honest input from others and it's helpful to hear all this. I wish responses wouldn't come in the form of an attack, but it always seems to happen at least once or twice in a thread.

I will learn to accept that just having family nearby is great even if I'm overwhelmed and not getting help specifically with childcare. It's just a matter of altering my expectations.

Part of the reason I started to think this way is because I can't help but notice how so many around me are getting help from local grandparents, and how many of my MIL's own friends are much more involved in their grandchildren's lives. However, I think everyone is different and I can accept that.

I wonder if I could somehow help facilitate more involvement of grandparent and grandchild that doesn't necessarily mean actual childcare?

flowerpower

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 6:09 pm

Op is looking for support and advice. It wouldn't hurt to be a little less mean! Seriously!!

Now, here is my response-
Your mom/ mil has to be the type to enjoy watching/ spending time with kids... some grandparents show their love by giving money, some by giving a listening ear, some by babysitting occasionally, some by babysitting weekly so the couple can save money, some by cooking meals for them and baking, and some don't show it at all..... some aren't lucky enough to have grandparents...

Most grandparents will help out on their terms- when they are available and up to it. You can't ask your mil to commit to taking them at a set time but perhaps dh can ask if they can come once in a while to watch the kids while his wife takes a breather. Communication is the key- but in nice way. Good luck!

imorethanamother

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 6:24 pm

amother wrote:

I hope you didn't feel attacked by my post. I include myself in that I have more expectations than I should. I work on myself and tell myself that *I* should be the giver, not my MIL, and *I* should keep inviting her. Etc. I think what helps is my history - my parents were never really kid people, so I have lower expectations.

There's a zillion things to include in-laws with that don't mean childcare. I mean, a zillion! Birthday parties, intimate ones with just family, shabbos meals, school plays, extra curricular performances, even "starbucks" sundays with just one kid! You can confide to your mother in law that a particular kid has been feeling left out, and that he/she could use a half hour of time you can't give them. Maybe to take a walk with them on shabbos, maybe to learn with them or help them over the phone with a difficult math problem or chumash perek.

I'm just a fountain of good ideas!

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 6:24 pm

amother wrote:

It's not necessarily an attack, its more like people are trying to shake you out of your world and wake you up to the realities of life. The expectations and entitlement of this generation are really over the top. These are your children, you decided to birth them and bring them into this world, no one else did. And you get exhausted and tired of taking care of them. Picture yourself 20 years older and trying to do the same thing. Our parents have had their turn, they deserve their freedom and the relaxation and they absolutely do not even owe us one iota of childcare. If you can't manage, if it's too much for you, you need to reevaluate your life, your family planning and not shift the burden onto anyone else.

And to the poster who suggested that the husband call his parents to ask to give his wife a breather - that's the husband's job, not the grandparents.

flowerpower

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 6:59 pm

amother wrote:

It was me. Op stated that her dh works long hours so he isn't available much. Nothing wrong with asking his mom if she is willing to chip in- without feeling obligated and without setting set times. My grandmother used to take us every Friday shopping with her. It was a huge help for my mom ( when she only had little kids). Nothing wrong with parents helping out a bit- if they want and if they are available. Sometimes all you need to do is to communicate!

tichellady

Wed, Jun 06 2018, 2:03 am

imorethanamother wrote:

You are not being fair. There are generational and cultural differences in different communities and families . My grandparents certainly helped my parents out, either financially or by watching kids, etc. I work with many non Jews whose parents do tons of childcare for them, and their grandparents practically raised them. My own parents used to go to their grandparents for large chunks of the summer. This is not a your generation vs my generation contest

amother

Denim

Wed, Jun 06 2018, 2:16 am

Some parents (or in laws) feel that offering help is "meddling" or insinuating that you aren't coping, but are happy to help once approached. They may not be eager to hold screaming babies or change diapers, but they might be happy to go shopping/to the park/do homework/bake with one or more of your kids.

What my mil does (at our request), which is really nice for my kids, is she has one of them staying over for shabbos every few months. This way it's not overwhelming for her (in the winter we pick up on motzei shabbos, in the summer on sunday morning), and it's really exciting for that child to be "king." We are then able to focus more on our other two kids.

amother

Pumpkin

Wed, Jun 06 2018, 3:32 am

The notion that this is generational is laughable. If anything, today's generation gets LESS help than previous generations because people are more likely to move away, people retire later and grandparents are still working and not so available etc. My grandparents helped my parents all the time. Not a regular x times a week babysitting situation, bit definitely in an emergency or urgent situation, and my parents took 2-3 couple vacations a year because of grandparents who were happy to take us for days at a time. And my grandparents got help from their parents when they were raising kids. Well, the one that hadn't lost theirs in the Holocaust. I have one grandmother who is a survivor (my other three grandparents were born in the US) and she still talks about how tough it was not having family as an adult. In Europe, grandmothers were very involved with childcare while mothers either worked (typically helping to run the family business) or, if no housekeeper, were doing the housework, which was a lot more laborious and time consuming in those days and it made more sense for a young mother to do than an old grandmother. Also, siblings helped out. Younger siblings assisted the older siblings when their kids were little. The older siblings returned the favor when those little ones were old enough to help their young aunts when they were starting their families. My grandmother said being raised with that kind of support network and then not having it as an adult because everyone who would have been there was dead was very, very hard and not at all the norm.

This doesn't mean anyone is owed anything. Of course people need to keep their expectations low to zero, not demand, and be happy with what they get even if it's not as much as they'd like. But let's not blame this on an entitled generation. It's not some new idea for grandparents to help out with the grandchildren. What's new is the loss of the multigenerational household and everything that comes with that.

amother

Scarlet

Wed, Jun 06 2018, 6:24 am

Yes, I don't think I'm coming from a place of feeling entitled at all. Hence posting to ask others' about their thoughts. It's more just I could use some help. Really for my kids' sake so they get more quality care and attention and benefit from a more calm mother. In terms of re-evaluating my lifestyle.. I don't know that I would do anything different. The reality is a mom can only do so much and we can't afford more help.

My mother isn't nearby but does so so much to help when she visits. That is how I grew up too with my grandparents, so sometimes I just find it funny how my mil isn't so involved. She really has a social life of her own, lots of friends, etc. which is a good thing. I'm just used to a more family-centered approach though. I end up contacting her sometimes when I'm really overwhelmed, but think that if there was regular help I wouldn't be in that situation. Again though, I am going to alter my expectations and be thankful for whatever she does do. And we definitely do benefit from having her nearby so I can't complain!

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 06 2018, 6:35 am

amother wrote:

The mother-daughter relationship is very often different than the MIL/DIL relationship. It's not so strange that your mother helps out much more when she visits. A mother is often much more secure in her daughter's home, the relationship is so much closer and she knows where she stands and what she can do, she's much more comfortable doing for you.

Yes, there are some MIL/DIL relationships that overcome all that and get really close, but to expect that across the board is unrealistic.

Mommyg8

Wed, Jun 06 2018, 7:33 am

Chayalle wrote:

This.

To be honest, my MIL didn't help us out at all, even though she lived a few blocks away. It certainly never occurred to me that she should, and it definitely didn't enter my mind to be upset about it. I didn't have a mother to help me either, but that had nothing to do with my MIL... My MIL's attitude was that she had already done hers, and she was done. I understood it 100%.

So, I don't know if I would ask - maybe just hint in a roundabout way... but that's it.

Grandparents used to be much more involved in their kids lives. Today's grandparents are often just as likely to be busy with their own job and social lives... and they're not as involved. Not always, but I think it's definitely more common than it used to be.

amother

Babypink

Wed, Jun 06 2018, 7:51 am

Here’s what my mom did with my grandmother (her MIL) thinking now, it’s brilliant. She would put the baby for a nap in my grandmothers house on the days she had a cleaning lady so my mom can go out and do errands then. This way grandmother wasn’t tied to the house, and if she was in the mood and felt like taking care of baby a little longer, she’d offer to keep the baby for an extra bit. This was a huge help as children take a long morning nap for quite a while. Does your MIL have reliable help?

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Jun 06 2018, 8:42 am

amother wrote:

Exactly this.

Is mil busy with her parents or with her own mil? Elderly parents can be a huge drain of time and energy and if this is the case mil may not have much energy or time left to help you. If she's not so young she might have her own health problems that you don't know about. You can ask for help but don't feel resentful if you don't get as much as you'd like. Expecting mil to take on a steady babysitting job a few times a week is a bit much.

Thank you for your post. You describe me exactly! I am in my late sixties. I raised a large family. Now that they are all grown and on their own, I am a full time care giver to my mom. She does not live nearby, but she calls me constantly and gets very upset if I do not answer immediately. She also gets frustrated if I need to hang up and don't spend time talking to her on the phone. By the time I am through with my aging mom, I am drained. Totally. My married children resent the fact that I am hardly ever there for them...but what can I do. I only have two hands. I just need ME time which I hardly ever get. I could go on an on, but the point being that you must be melamed z'chus that your MIL is not out to get you, just has her own needs. She might need YOUR help more than you need HERS. Food for thought!