Do you give/get high-end support?

amother

Saddlebrown

Sat, Jun 16 2018, 4:09 pm

I am doing some research for a project I'm doing and it would be super-helpful if you could help me by answering the following questions if you are on the giving or receiving end of high-end support.

All info will be kept completely confidential and anonymous.

If you are a parent giving support:
1. Why did you commit to supporting your children? (Ie. this is what is socially acceptable in my community, this is what I can do financially so I'm happy to do it, this was required in order for the shidduch to go through, etc.)
2. How much do you give per month?
3. Is it the same amount for all your married couples? If not, what are the factors that figure in to the amount?
4. In addition to the financial support, what gifts or extras are "expected" (ie. vacations, surprises, new home furnishings, renovations, etc.)?
5. Do you feel that your children appreciate your support? Do they make an effort to show their appreciation?
6. How do you feel about giving the support? Is it a pleasure for you to do it? Is it a burden? Is it something you did only because it's socially required but you are killing yourself to make ends meet and you resent that you have to carry so much on your shoulders?
7. How long have you pledged to support for?

If you are on the receiving level, can you tell me please:
1. How much do you receive from your parents per month?
2. Aside from money, what other gifts, vacations, extras, surprises, do you receive from your parents?
3. Are there any strings attached to the financial support? If so, please describe.
4. What is your day-to-day lifestyle like? (Ie. do you work "for fun"? Study? Get together for coffee with friends? Shop all day?...)
5. Do you express your appreciation to your parents often? Do you appreciate their support or is it considered more of a social norm and something that's expected of them?
6. What would happen if your parents suddenly were unable to continue supporting you? Is this something that you worry about?

Thank you so much for any and all help you can give me!

amother

Saddlebrown

Sat, Jun 16 2018, 5:48 pm

I can assure you that it is nothing nefarious at all, and I will be happy to share with you the details of the project in a couple of months, be"H (with all information completely confidential and anonymous, of course.).

You just need to trust me on this one--and I think you will be happy to be part of it when you find out what it's needed for.

I would have you pm me and tell you exactly what the project is, but then I'd lose my anonymity, right? Unless you have a way of doing pm without outing myself... I'm not such an expert here.

amother

Ivory

Sat, Jun 16 2018, 6:51 pm

I lost my job a year and a half ago and as yet have been unable (long story) to take on another one.
My parents are supporting us to the tune of $700 a month to make up the minimum deficit right now until we get things back on a stable footing.

They do not regularly give us anything more than that but it did happen once or twice when eg a huge unexpected medical expense, they helped us through it.

We live as basic as we can trust me we really appreciate the help and do everything to keep expenses to a minimum. Having said that I do not compromise on healthy food, good medical care and things which I feel the kids need. (eg I have not bought myself new clothes for two years but I do get the girls new stuff for yom tov even though I could easily get hand me downs)

Both I and my husband thank them every month when the money comes through.

If they were unable to help us, we would at this stage have to sell our house and move out to a cheaper area and live off the difference until things settle down.

I hope that helps you with your project!

SuperWify

Sat, Jun 16 2018, 10:05 pm

amother wrote:

I’ll be more then happy to answer but I need more information. Posting under my username so that you can PM me.

leah233

Sat, Jun 16 2018, 10:35 pm

amother wrote:

Why can't you tell us the purpose of the project now and the details later?

rainbow

Sat, Jun 16 2018, 11:08 pm

For as far back as the dawn of time it's been a custom of individuals with nefarious intentions to assure their prey that their intentions are not nefarious . Not saying that's you, just saying it's happened many times over.
If your intentions are not nefarious, show us your hand, allow us to see all your cards. Then you might earn our trust. At the very least, show your screen name.

Last edited by rainbow on Sun, Jun 17 2018, 6:51 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Pink

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 2:00 am

grace413 wrote:

OP, we've been burnt here before by similar requests.

If you contact Yael and she vets you people will be more willing to answer.

I'm curious how someone gets burnt. Our screen names make most of us 99% anonymous. What response could I give this op that I might come to regret? I receive 10k a month plus a trip to Hawaii every year. Dh and I get fancy leased cars and we also get full time help. This doesn't interfere with our tuition discount since we make very little from dh kollel salary.
How could this response come back to hurt me?

grace413

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 2:29 am

amother wrote:

A general sense of being used for purposes against our interests. I don't need to give info to people wanting to defame me or my sisters. I'm neither supporting or supported but I care about how the women on Imamother are treated.

crust

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 2:57 am

amother wrote:

How do the two bolded sentences sum up?
If you are not such an expert here, (read; I am new here) then, how can you expect people to 'just trust you'?

crust

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 3:03 am

amother wrote:

Okay, okay. I see this kind of touched a firestorm here. I am pm'ing the people who have information for me so they know exactly what this is for. Relax, everyone! :-)

If you have info for me, please just let me know under your real name and I will contact you privately, along with details about the project.

Why do you expect people to post under their real name while you are comfortably staying anonymous?

If you are writing an article; SAY IT.
If you are going to make money out of this; SAY IT.
If you are so innocent; PROVE IT.

amother

Coral

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 3:06 am

I get high end support.

My parents and in-laws are really special. They made up to each give us $500 per kid, plus a $1500 stipend to cover rent and utilities. This way we don't have to go on any government programs to live like mentchen.

My parents own a business, and I am a part-time worker (at home, a few hours a day - they pay for babysitting and the tech I need for this). This enables them to put our family on their health insurance.

DH's whole family goes a trip to Israel every other year (they pay for all the kids), and both sides fly us out to visit them (they both live a good few hour drive away).

My parents bought us a really nice minivan and a small car for DH. DH works, but in Klei Kodesh, and in 2 different places so he really needs a car.

Both my parents and in-laws usually send us $1000 or so before the major Yomim Tovim, and $100 for each kid's birthday.

My in-laws are also paying our school tuition (they are friends with the menahel and they are happy to support his school).

The condition is that we send them pictures and updates regularly, and we come visit them a few times a year. They basically are paying for nachas Smile

We have been putting away a chunk of the money they give us, so if they stop for any reason we will have what to live on while DH looks for a better-paying job.

Now how do you know any of this is true? You'll just have to trust me.

(Yes, totally made up. But it would be nice, no?)