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Dh wants me to go to work
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gande









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 1:05 am
Try to do something you think you might enjoy. If you dont like it you can always try something else.

Getting out of the house and helping people might make you feel better. Even if you start at a low paying job, if you are a smart, good worker you can get promotions even without a degree.
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amother




Maroon


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 1:16 am
amother wrote:
Op here.
Just thinking about these jobs making me extremely depressed. I was a star student and For years I was frustrated about not working and getting a career. Now I am just ok to not work because it just didn’t work out and I keep myself busy. Going to learn these jobs is not possible for me. I can’t concentrate and I am very anxious and can’t think about getting invested in a job like that. I might be depressed on top of all that. I can’t sleep part of the night and I am pulling all my strength together to keep my house running all by myself.


Hi OP, I was just in a support group for disabled people trying to get back into the work force. The oldest there was a man who was 56, at 50 he was overweight, had a bad job, and miserable. He decided to turn his life around, starting walking every day, volunteering, doing small things, going out, being active in the community. Now he is a powerhouse of energy, yes he has back issues and other issues, but this year he decided he is going to get his high school diploma and go to college.
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zaq









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:37 am
krembo wrote:
Could you do babysitting from home? 5 kids at $5 an hour isn't bad, and you'd be able to lie down a bit on the couch while you watched them. s?


Are you for real? Do you have kids? Would you send YOUR kid to a sitter who was watching five children without another adult helper and who was “lying a bit on the couch” while she watched them?
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Simple1









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:55 am
I feel for you, OP. You went through a lot.

I don't see that anyone bought this up. But I think you first need to address your depression, anxiety, and hard feelings. Is there a clinic where you live that you can get free or low cost therapy?

Once you start improving your emotional well-being, you can take it from there.
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amother




Gray


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 10:43 am
I think you should look for a part time office job. Maybe brush up your computer skills, especially in spreadsheets, since you say you like maths. Perhaps you can find some type of bookkeeping job.

I get what you are saying about your husband not encouraging you. My husband is somewhat similar...But I honestly think you may be happier working. I say part time because you say you have low energy.
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moonstone









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 11:36 am
I think that today, being a SAHM is a luxury. You were lucky that your DH earned enough all these years so that you were able to afford that luxury. But now he says he needs you to contribute financially. How can you say no to that? Maybe try an employment agency. You could temp for a while to sort of get your feet wet, then look for something permanent. I agree with the posters who think you might actually like working- getting out of the house, interacting with people, doing something productive.
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amother




cornflower


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 11:40 am
amother wrote:
I think you should look for a part time office job. Maybe brush up your computer skills, especially in spreadsheets, since you say you like maths. Perhaps you can find some type of bookkeeping job.

I get what you are saying about your husband not encouraging you. My husband is somewhat similar...But I honestly think you may be happier working. I say part time because you say you have low energy.

Op here
I have an elementary age child at home. I don’t like math. I used to be excellent in math and I wanted to get a career in that area because it was very easy for me. If I get a part time job I won’t bring any money home. I will probably use that money to get household help and takeout food. I hardly keep my house clean and my children fed. I try very hard. I’m not young anymore and I don’t feel well. I had a child at an advanced age and it requires lot of energy that I don’t have.
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SixOfWands









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 11:55 am
amother wrote:
I am 56 years old. We went through a several very difficult years. Very Sick children and a lot of other problems. Now we have debt. I am very tired and deplated. I have back problems and need to lie down often during the day. I feel fatigue a lot. Idk if it’s physical or kind of ptsd from everything that’s went on. I was always a stay at home mom. When we got married we intended for me to get a degree and go to work. The problem is that dh was never home and I didn’t have money for help or babysitting for the children. I was kind of ok to stay home with the kids. Now dh asks me to go to work. I told him it’s too late. I’m going to make minimum wage in a job I hate. Most of my salary is going to go to household help. I don’t feel well and my youngest is in still in elementary school. My other kids are going to be out of the house as of next year hopefully to yeshiva and seminary and college. Dh can’t expect me to go to work now after he was never home from early in the morning to very late at night building his business and didn’t try to help me get a certificate or degree and get experience through the years. What are your thoughts.


How do you intend to pay off your debt?

How do you intend to pay for yeshiva and seminary and college? For weddings?

Assuming that your husband is about your age, how do you intend to pay for retirement?

(Why do you think it was your husband's responsibility to ensure that you obtained a degree or certification? You're probably out of high school close to 40 years at this point. Although this is is a different issue.)

These are all very real questions that you need to ask yourself. By your own admission, your husband has spent the past decades "never home from early in the morning to very late at night building his business," yet you're still not getting by. It doesn't sound like there's a whole lot more that he can do, but you need to find a way to get more money.

But as someone else said, IMNSHO, it sounds like you suffer from depression, and that needs to be treated first.

Then you just need to do it. Even if you hate the job, you need the money. And if you still have older kids at home -- and it sounds like you do -- tell them to help with the cooking and cleaning!

Sorry to be so blunt, but there's nothing else to be done.
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ssspectacular









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 12:10 pm
I was in a very similar situation at some point. You can pm me if you want to know more.
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amother




Seashell


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 12:20 pm
What country are from and in what country do you live now?

If you’re from the US or other English speaking country or otherwise fluent in English, you can teach English part time. If that is too much you can always do private lessons or tutoring.
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amother




Cerise


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 12:34 pm
amother wrote:
Op here
I have an elementary age child at home. I don’t like math. I used to be excellent in math and I wanted to get a career in that area because it was very easy for me. If I get a part time job I won’t bring any money home. I will probably use that money to get household help and takeout food. I hardly keep my house clean and my children fed. I try very hard. I’m not young anymore and I don’t feel well. I had a child at an advanced age and it requires lot of energy that I don’t have.
elementary age child at home doesn’t mean you can’t work - it just means ideally it should be during school hours. Also, depending on the age, your child can be left home alone for a short time. Now if you can use money from a part time job to hire household help and takeout food that’s great!! You wrote that your hardly keeping the house clean and your children fed. This will give you money to make sure those things get done!
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amother




cornflower


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 12:46 pm
amother wrote:
elementary age child at home doesn’t mean you can’t work - it just means ideally it should be during school hours. Also, depending on the age, your child can be left home alone for a short time. Now if you can use money from a part time job to hire household help and takeout food that’s great!! You wrote that your hardly keeping the house clean and your children fed. This will give you money to make sure those things get done!

Op here
I will probably make less than what I pay for the housekeeper so I won’t make any money after I will spend all that money.
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Bruria









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 1:00 pm
I know you said you would hate office work, but if you work at a school office, you won't have to pay for child care. You can get an online degree, so that you can have a more interesting job in the future. You are never too old to change your life, the future you will thank you for today's good decisions. Also, with less debt you and your husband will be able to afford more things, this will benefit you and your family.
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watergirl









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 1:19 pm
amother wrote:
Op here
I will probably make less than what I pay for the housekeeper so I won’t make any money after I will spend all that money.

I’m wondering if you have a realistic understanding of what things cost. How much do you think you’d earn and how much do you think you’d spend on cleaning help? I have a cleaning lady for 2 hours a week. I pay her $28. Thats enough time for her to clean my bathrooms, kitchen, and floors. This keeps my house at a level that I can keep up with. I make simple meals, not a lot of take out, and I just do my best. And I have young kids and work full time. I know that I’m not you, obviously, and I know that we are all capable of different things. The only reason I mention what I do is to illustrate the point that I’ll be can do is our best. And cleaning help does not have to be full-time or costly to get a basic job done.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. I, like the others have mentioned, hear depression in your posts. Not clinical, but depression meaning not in an emotionally healthy place.

If you dont find a job, what are your other options?
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pesek zman









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 1:23 pm
amother wrote:
Op here
I will probably make less than what I pay for the housekeeper so I won’t make any money after I will spend all that money.


You seem to have a defeatist attitude. You are getting some very helpful suggestions and are rejecting them. 56 is not old! It sounds like you've been very lucky having your husband support the family thus far. Most women marrying nowadays don't have that luxury. You have to accept that your situation has changed and do what you need to do to bring some money in.
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amother




Coffee


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 1:29 pm
amother wrote:
Op here
I will probably make less than what I pay for the housekeeper so I won’t make any money after I will spend all that money.


You will definitely not need to give over even half your salary to a housekeeper.
Sure, it’s great to have someone who can help with heavy cleaning but you will certainly still be able to take care of the basics in your home with a part time job.

Your youngest is already getting big. You are certainly not dealing with toddlers and diapers at this point so falling back on the fact that you still have say a 6th grader is not a good excuse why you can’t work a few hours a week... sorry. At least cover the cost you are spending on your current housekeeper so your dh won’t be resentful and I’m sure you can earn even more too...
Take a job in a friendly office that just needs another pair of hands and doesn’t require skills
Or contact schools and offer your services as a tutor... summer tutoring is popular for failing students
Just don’t sit home and take your naps without even trying to help out.
If you have such a fear of working for someone,then sell something from home ... anything! Costume jewelry, hair accessories, clothing....
if your dh asked you nicely to help out you really should try...
Many women go back to work after being home for 20 years when they start marrying off kids and need more money.... you certainly aren’t the first and won’t be the last!
Stop feeling sorry for yourself!! You can do it!
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Rachel Shira









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 1:49 pm
The fact is that your current situation means you need to step up and help out financially in some way. Find out the details of what jobs are available before you decide it’s not worth it, and sit down to have a detailed, rational discussion with your husband about how to make it all work. It might not be a fun walk in the park in every way- sometimes paying the bills is just a chore. But I hope you can find something that is at least manageable for you.
I agree with those saying you should take care of your mental health too.
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happy12









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 1:50 pm
56 is not too old to learn a new school. I knew someone who went to MD school in her 50s and become a doctor.
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SixOfWands









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 1:53 pm
amother wrote:
Op here
I will probably make less than what I pay for the housekeeper so I won’t make any money after I will spend all that money.


OP, you can't have it all.

But I get it. You're not going to get a job.

How much debt do you need to pay off?

How much debt will you be able to offset by selling any jewelry that you own? What about other valuables -- silver candlesticks? Kiddush cups?

Can you pull your child out of yeshiva, if he attends, to save money? And, of course, tell the older kids that you cannot provide any help.

If you own your home, have you considered selling it. It sounds like you will only have 1 child living at home next year. And particularly since you mention that housekeeping is not your forte, you can probably get by with a 2-bedroom apartment, and use your home equity to offset debt.

Hopefully, these things will allow you to pay off your debt, and live on your husband's income.
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imorethanamother









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 2:00 pm
amother wrote:
Op here.
Just thinking about these jobs making me extremely depressed. I was a star student and For years I was frustrated about not working and getting a career. Now I am just ok to not work because it just didn’t work out and I keep myself busy. Going to learn these jobs is not possible for me. I can’t concentrate and I am very anxious and can’t think about getting invested in a job like that. I might be depressed on top of all that. I can’t sleep part of the night and I am pulling all my strength together to keep my house running all by myself.


Your health problems might be causing you anxiety and depression. If you live in a foreign country, maybe you have socialized health care? Get help for these things. You seem easily overwhelmed.

Nearly every woman on this site, whatever age, seems petrified at entering or re-entering the workforce. I promise you, once you start, things will get much better. One of my friends was also super intelligent, but didn't have the money to get the degree she needed to start her career. She ended up at a low-paying job, yes, but it's for a high-profile non-profit organization, and she's making a difference in other people's lives. She loves it, she's thriving, and in everyone's eyes she's a superstar. No matter what her paycheck.

Maybe contact your local bikur cholim? You can make phone calls to doctors and insurance companies. It may not tax your brain, but you'll be doing mitzvos all day and that really does feel good.
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