Sticky situation | Imamother

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 1:23 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

I don't want to come because

a... I don't like you

b.. We have nothing in common

c... My kasrus is much better than your because I'm so wonderful and you're not

d... Did I mention I don't like you

No need to play games

OP, do NOT follow this advice. At all.

amother

Coral

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 2:01 am

Leriem wrote:

Hi would you handle it if you keep being invited for a Shabbat meal by a neighbor whom you really aren’t fond of and have nothing in common with, plus you’re very unsure about her knowledge of all the areas of kashrut? How many excuses can I come up with, and she keeps asking?

No thanks - I can't imagine what we'd talk about.

Duggie

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 3:19 am

I hear you. I am pretty tolerable to almost all sorts of people, but some feel toxic to me. There was a certain family with such an awful vibe, that I left feeling poisoned. Thank gd I was able to dodge certain invited whilst remaining polite, but if they don't take the hint that can be really difficult.

I wonder if it gets to a certain point you can say somehow, Listen, I know you keep inviting us and I feel so bad declining every single time! I just don't want to hurt ur feelings, but we're not the type that goes out and my husband is just so crazy about kashrus (maybe you can blame him?) that we have a hard time eating out at other people's houses

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 3:59 am

Life is painful sometimes. I have a friend who is a BT and simply doesn't know that certain Kashrus organizations are reputed to be unreliable. She has invited us over several times, and I have seen certain items of questionable Kashrus in her home that most frum Jews would not use.

It seems from your description that she lacks social skills.

Tell her that you apologize for not being available, and encourage her to invite her kids' friends over.

Duggie wrote:

I just don't want to hurt ur feelings, but we're not the type that goes out and my husband is just so crazy about kashrus (maybe you can blame him?) that we have a hard time eating out at other people's houses

I second this.

amother

Mauve

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 3:05 pm

OutATowner wrote:

This is why people dont like posting under their sn.

Yes ironically I agree. I will delete the earlier post and would appreciate if you did the same. But op I have been on the receiving end of trying to be friendly to people and invite them over and they have refused for some spurious reason and it is extremely hurtful. Please consider the possibility of just being friendly.

simcha2

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 3:40 pm

Leriem wrote:

I would go. How do you know you have nothing in common? Obviously she is inviting you because she thinks you could be friends. Even if you are not excited, compassion is a Jewish trait.

Ask a shaila about the kashrut. It may be you can eat there. If not, invite her back to you.

I don't get the whole "snub" mentality. You can spend a Shabbat meal with someone without signing over your kidney for donation.

watergirl

Fri, Jul 27 2018, 7:13 am

I’m almost shocked at the lack of seichel in some of these suggestions.

To the people suggesting that she say that they dont like to go out or that her husband prefers to eat at home etc. this is not the same as a little harmless white lie, this is something that is very hurtful when they see that it’s not true. This is actually a very big lie. And when the person who you’ve said this to sees your family walking on Shabbos afternoon and it’s clear that you’ve gone to someone for lunch, they will be very very hurt.

As you may notice from some of my posts on here, we have guests often. We are family that people seek out and enjoy going to. A few times, a family dodged our invites and sighted the same excuse, their husband prefers to eat at home, or they don’t eat out, that type of thing. All well and good but they were both not telling the truth! One of the families happens to be my daughters best friends family and so I know that they often eat out at other peoples houses. The other family also is not shy on Facebook regarding who they’ve gone to for Shabbos lunch. I am actually quite bold sometimes, and I pressed both of them for the real reason that they don’t come to me, both of them admitted it’s because they are afraid of my dog! Why not just tell the truth! I would have been a lot less hurt.

Making up a fake reason - a lie - this kind of situation will be discovered and will hurt someone’s feelings. I promise.

OP, just say thank you but we are unable to make it. Repeat every time.

watergirl

Fri, Jul 27 2018, 7:29 am

Boca00 wrote:

"Thanks so much for the invite! My husband just doesn't like going out for meals..." Or "After a long week, my husband just wants to be home, but thanks for thinking of us!"

And, if you're feeling extra nice, "Would you like to come to us?"

Edit- I see I cross-posted. Such is what happens when you get busy mid-post.

Is this true? Then fine. Is it a “little white lie”? Dont say it if its not true. Very hurtful.

amother

Gray

Fri, Jul 27 2018, 4:35 pm

Op this is one of those uncomfortable situations in life that tests our middos and theres no easy solution.

1) u cant lie as we are not allowed to.
2) u cant tell her the truth which is u dont "like" her

The only thing u can really do is say "it wont work this week" and keep repeating. But eventually shell figure out u dont want to come to HER and SHE WILL BE VERY HURT but I dont think u can avoid that.

The reason I dont think u should "just go once" or "just invite her once" is bec she will probably think ull be close friends and will want u to come more often. This will make her more hurt bec u wont want to go over more or invite her again. So its best not to give her the wrong impression.

Either way, shell eventually realize the message and will be hurt but I dont see anything to do about that.

Its like in life person A wants to be friends with person B but person B is not interested. Right now, my sil is trying to start a relationship with me but always talks about her glamourous life and treats me like a baby. Im sad after speaking to her and gave her excuses that are true as to why I cant talk. She still didnt get the hint. I return her calls sometimes but this is my challenge. Halevai, it should be my biggest problem!!

amother

Vermilion

Fri, Jul 27 2018, 5:17 pm

amother wrote:

What would make you happy with your sister in law ? Should she hide her life from you? How can you develop a real friendship if she can't speak about her life?

Perhaps she treats you like a baby because of something you do.

Leriem

Fri, Jul 27 2018, 5:31 pm

amother wrote:

In such situations, I made sure to invite them over for a meal. If they see or hear you having guests and going to others, they might feel really bad. Hachnosas orchim is not just about having your good friends, it's about being hospitable to anyone who needs.
Graciously invite them one week, and be as normal as you can around them. If you need to, speak to your children about being nice to them beforehand. You don't have to go all out preparing for the meal, or get really chummy either. You can have as pleasant as meal as possible and they can walk away happy.
The next time they attempt to invite you, you will have a better opportunity to get out of the meal. It wont be rejecting them as people. By nicely explaining the kashrus situation, you rather be home quiet that week or have other arrangements, they wont be as disappointed hanging up the phone.

Nicely explaining the kashrus situation?! I’d never tell her that her kashrut standards are not up to par! That would be cruel.

Leriem

Fri, Jul 27 2018, 5:34 pm

naturalmom5 wrote:

Sarcasm is neither helpful or appreciated.

Leriem

Fri, Jul 27 2018, 5:39 pm

amother wrote:

I appreciate your honesty and self awareness, but sometimes one has to look at their own situation to decide whether it will be too negative an experience for themselves and their family. I wish it was different but I really think it might be disastrous for numerous reasons....I am friendly towards her, she davens in my Shul and I’m always cordial, friendly, etc. but I really can’t see Going beyond that with her,

Leriem

Fri, Jul 27 2018, 5:41 pm

watergirl wrote:

I would imagine they were too ashamed to admit the fear of the dog...

amother

Gray

Fri, Jul 27 2018, 6:04 pm

amother wrote:

U dont get it. She can talk about her life. But we cant develop a friendship bec we have different hashkafas, different lifestyles, different responsibilities age .. ...we are too different to be friends. I dont want to have what to do with her. She wants to speak to me all the time.

Its okay if u want to blame me that she treats me like a baby. Clearly, u want to attack me. I dont have to explain all my reasons to u or anyone why I dont want to speak to her. Hashem knows and He will judge me. BUT WHAT IM SAYING IS THAT JUST LIKE OP DOESNT WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER NEIGHBOR SO TOO I DONT WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH MY SIL (although shes related, we are like strangers as we both hang out /speak to our friend's on a regular basis.) BUT BOTH ME AND OP KNOW THAT WE CANT TELL THESE WOMEN THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW WE FEEL. I wont tell my sil what I wrote here bec I dont want to hurt her feelings.