Seminary Girls & Yeshiva Boys at Meal in Hotel

groovy1224

Fri, Aug 24 2018, 4:11 pm

amother wrote:

They are not taking no for answer. They feel its our responsibility to host their kid for at least one meal. If I have to host everybody’s child that I once said hello to it would cost me thousands of dollars.

That is beyond rude. Who thinks it's okay to invite their son over for a super expensive meal?? I would just say 'so sorry- we're totally booked!!' over and over. The moms will be annoyed, but that their problem.

amother

White

Fri, Aug 24 2018, 4:25 pm

Just keep saying no over & over again. It's pretty rude to ask someone to invite their kid to an hotel meal where you have to pay per person, especially if they where told no.
I think the boys are old enough to arrange meals for themselves.

ahuva06

Fri, Aug 24 2018, 4:27 pm

amother wrote:

This. It is rude to ask in the first place, insisting on you having them is another level.
It's not hard for boys to find meals. If they are old enough to go to Israel for yeshiva, they should be old enough to arrange alternative arrangements without mommy's help.

oliveoil

Fri, Aug 24 2018, 6:26 pm

amother wrote:

Maybe you need to get better at saying no.

Ruchel

Sat, Aug 25 2018, 4:40 pm

Once everyone is of marriageable age, and everyine is aware it is mixed… well… I possibly wouldn't have been at ease, I remember a BM with mixed single table and it was Strange. I asked to be sitted with my parents instead lol but no avail.
Once upon a time it was not only happening but sometimes encouraged

ChutzPAh

Sat, Aug 25 2018, 10:04 pm

Just tell the moochers you are only doing girl meals. If your daughter is in a bais Yackov type seminary it’s expected that the girls will not be going to big mixed meals and they may give your daughter a hard time as well. It’s a lose lose situation.

monkeys

Sun, Aug 26 2018, 12:53 am

amother wrote:

Just say no. Their kids are not your responsibility. That’s ridiculous. It’s not like your talking about your nephews. They’re not even your close friends. Plus you have a seminary aged daughter. Plus hotel meals are expensive. You don’t have to host anyone’s kids. Just say no.

rdmom

Sun, Aug 26 2018, 1:26 am

Hi to the OP. Don’t I know you?

Having gotten this out of the way, my daughter will be in seminary. She is actually leaving soon. Can she eat at least one meal with you?

You won’t have a hard time saying no to me, since you hardly know me. So do it to the others too.

amother

Jade

Sun, Aug 26 2018, 2:29 am

Actually it is far from funny and a tough situation. Everyone, except those with close family who live in E"Y, are scrambling for places and meals for their kids. Especially in the beginning of the year and that's when Y"T comes. I feel for them all. A tough situation all around.

If these parents feel their kids don't have an option or must eat in a hotel they can arrange the meals directly with their kids and pay the hotel for the meals. And it does not have to be the hotel you are at. Just saying if someone feels "desperate" and isn't fazed by the cost of the meals then that is an option. People can purchase meals at hotels whether or not they are staying there. It's still the same pricy option. There are options, some are a bit out of the box. The seminaries and yeshivas can also help them come up with plans and place them (and thanks to the unbelievable generosity of those living in E"Y who host these kids).

That said, it isn't for you to do what you cannot do Op. Its kind and generous of you to host some friends of your daughter (and not a must either).

Alternative

Sun, Aug 26 2018, 2:49 am

amother wrote:

If these parents feel their kids don't have an option or must eat in a hotel they can arrange the meals directly with their kids and pay the hotel for the meals. And it does not have to be the hotel you are at. Just saying if someone feels "desperate" and isn't fazed by the cost of the meals then that is an option. People can purchase meals at hotels whether or not they are staying there.

This exactly. The boys' parents can send them to any hotel and pay for their meals themselves.
I can't fathom asking other people to pay exorbiant prices to host my kid over a meal. And yes, in Israel it is very expensive to pay for just a hotel meal if you aren't sleeping there.

But hey, if these parents think it's ok to ask you to pay that price (I mean, really??!!!) then they should be ok with paying it themselves. And these boys are not boys, they are men, they can pay their own way and eat yom tov meals at a hotel as a group. I imagine it would be more fun for them than joining a strange family.

As others have said, you just need to learn to be assertive. It's not like these boys are your nephews or best friend's sons, which would complicate things. Just blame the seminary if you don't feel assertive enough on your own.

And the chutzpah....

salt

Sun, Aug 26 2018, 2:58 am

Are you worried that it will be uncomfortable for the boys or for the girls?

If for the boys, I would tell the mother of the boys that you have a lot of seminary girls round as well, and if it's ok with her and with her sons, then it's fine with you.

If you think it will be uncomfortable for the girls, and they are your DD's friends, I would say no to the boys' mother. Say you have a lot of teenage girls coming, and you don't invite single girls together with boys.

I live in Israel. I have teenage girls and boys of my own. My boys often bring friends to Shabbos meals. I sit them at the other end of the table from my girls, and they don't usually have much to do with each other (my DD's do tell me after they've gone who they liked best though - so don't think they don't notice!). That's just when it's my sons' friends and my DDs. If I were hosting single girls who are not my family, I would not invite together with single boys (unless someone was really stuck).

Another option, if you do want to help these boys out, is to host them, but on a separate table if the hotel could accommodate that. Could look a bit weird, but why not? I assume they'll understand why. That way you're helping them out, and keeping things a bit separate. You/Your DH could go over to their table every now and then to have a chat and check they're all ok.
I'm in favour of trying to help out if at all possible.

Alternative

Sun, Aug 26 2018, 3:03 am

salt wrote:

Another options, if you do want to help these boys out, is to host them, but on a separate table. Could look a bit weird, but why not? That way you're helping them out, and keeping things a bit separate. You/Your DH could go over to their table every now and then to have a chat and check they're all ok.
I'm in favour of trying to help out if at all possible.

Why should she pay huge sums for their meals, if they are not even eating with them? This is something their own parents can arrange from abroad.
I would have no problem saying no to someone so rude as to invite their kid to a hotel meal.

ILOVELIFE

Sun, Aug 26 2018, 3:07 am

If my daughter was invited to your table I’d expect it to be girls only.

I think these mothers are being ridiculous but all that aside: it’s not fair to your daughter and her friends and will certainly Black list you with the sem

salt

Sun, Aug 26 2018, 3:39 am

Alternative wrote:

OP is not complaining about the money at all. Maybe they are her friend's kids and she wants to help out. Maybe she's generous and wants to host them.
Her issue is the tzniut issue of the guys and girls sitting together.
So I was giving her a solution for that. If she still wants to be kind, and can afford to host them, then this will solve her issue.
It's nicer for the boys to know they are kind of 'with' a family - just on the table next door. Rather than eating alone at a hotel table. It's more of a family atmosphere - for many of these yeshiva/seminary students it's their first chag away from home. This way it's more homey for them. They are with family friends but on the other hand, not all sitting round a table with a bunch of seminary girls.
My suggestion was just a way to make it more comfortable, and allow OP to still be hospitable to her DD's friends and her friends sons.