Advice re HOMEWORK!!!!!!

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Sep 03 2018, 12:44 pm

my very bright 7 year old had a MISERABLE time last year when she would get home from school. BH she is quite smart and academic, and would have no trouble with the homework itself. But the act of sitting her tired self down, after being in school frm 8:45 until 4 (mind you she only arrives home way after that) and doing even more work...it was awful.

I always made sure to give her some time to unwind, and I made sure she filled herself up with some good food-and she would be fine, happy and smiley. But as soon as she had to sit down for homework....after 5 minutes of it she would start sighing, whining, and then full blown crying. Tears. SOBS. Refusing to finish. Begging to go play. I would give her amall breaks but they didnt help. (Truthfully, I understand her position. Between arriving home, having a snack, family dinner and baths, theres very very little play time before its already time for bed. She doesnt want to work, she wants to play!)

The point is, it created a lot of tension. Tears and tears. ...and I noticed such a wonderful change in her on the rare nights she didnt have homework! She was a happy, sunny smiled girl the whole evening!

Her teachers actually emphasized that they try not to give too much homework, but if you give "just a few minutes" of kriah and "just a few minutes of chumash, and "just a few minutes" of spelling and math, it adds up! I know 20 minutes of homework may not sound like a lot but it was simply too much for her.

Funnily enough, ive heard numerous mechanchim, including Rav Mattisyahu Solomon talking about how homework must be eliminated/ limited because it makes the home a stressful place. And the home must be the happy safe haven. But she still has enough homework to bring herself to tears. I will stress it, again-its not that its difficult for her. It may as well be 1+1. She knows it well, its the act of sitting and working more thats the hard part. She wants to play!

So heres my question: when I mention this to other mothers this is what they say "oh I know, dont get me started, its crazy, I just tell her not to do it". Or "I tell her only to do what she can in 5 min and then leave the rest". They encourage me to be my childs advocate....and I really want to. I wish I had the guts...but is this ok? I dont want my daughter to be a problem student. But I also really really really want her to be able to relax when shes at home...

She is in a standard mainstream school in Monsey that expects her to do well....academics are taken seriously enough. And im happy about that! But this homework stress is really hurting her

Ps- I should add that she has no problem sitting and doing work when in school. Its justi by the time she arrives home she is spent.

ShishKabob

Mon, Sep 03 2018, 1:12 pm

I agree with you. If you are concerned about the teachers take on it, I would call up the teacher and explain it to her. If you think she is not receptive to what you are saying, I would call up the principal as well. I always wonder if the teachers and principals have no real live children.

You have to be your daughters advocate. No one will do it for you.

One year I got a questionnaire from a teacher. One of the questions were: What are your goals for your daughter this year?
I answered like this: My goal this year is to have my daughter complete her homework by herself with no or minimal assistance.
If a mother has to convince, cajole, force and any other adjective that you have to get her daughter to do her homework, it is not considered doing homework by herself. It makes it YOUR homework.

Cheiny

Mon, Sep 03 2018, 1:55 pm

amother wrote:

Homework is general is an awful idea, and a noted child therapist I discussed it with totally agrees! The kids sit all day in school, let them come home and relax, and enjoy family time! What do they want from these kids? Let them have a childhood and not stress them so much at such a young age when they should be carefree and enjoying life!

amother

Yellow

Mon, Sep 03 2018, 2:38 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I would make a deal with the teachers. If she is passing all of her tests and shows mastery in class, then they should drop the homework. Homework is for kids who need to do drills, not for kids who already get it.

When I was in highschool I used to make deal like this with my teachers. I was a bright kid with then undiagnosed (therefore untreated) ADHD and homework was torture.

One exception: Reading/Kriyah. Teachers ask parents to do this because they can't give kids enough focused attention in school to read one on one with them during the day.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Sep 03 2018, 3:56 pm

I have a similar deal to what FF mentioned with my kids' teachers. Also part of the deal: since my kids genuinely enjoy reading and read plenty on their own, they can do that in lieu of reading homework (aside from book reports, which they have to do). Also, I am happy to give them a free pass once a month or so Just Because, which I also tell the teacher at the beginning of the year (and write a note on the days in which they take me up on it). Really, start with the teacher. IME most are willing to make this kind of arrangement if you approach them about it. When they see that you are invested in the child's education and not simply griping about homework, they are happy to come up with an arrangement that satisfies everyone.

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 10:45 am

I realize there is a rising expectation in terms of what children need to learn but IMHO there is no reason for a seven year old to have homework after a long school day.

What kind of sophisticated curriculum do they need to know at this point. A love of learning and an ability to read and write well is what is necessary and love of learning can be killed by such an onerous schedule.

Such a young child should be left alone to read and to engage in activities that are fun - and can be teachable. Reading fun books - whether fiction or even nonfiction instills critical reading skills. There are fun activities that are educational - there is such a lot of educational software that makes learning seem like a game and play - but you don't have to force that.

But to require that a child do rote written homework to cover ground that isn't done in what is a very long school day for a young child is wrong. This is way different than a high school student for whom substantive homework is necessary to make sure that stuff is learned versus trying to ensure adequate reading and writing comprehension and literary.

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 11:13 am

amother wrote:

the principal in our school had an intersting suggestion - instead of having a young kid (7,8,9) do their homework by themselves, sit down with them and use it as an opportunity for them to show you what they learned that day. if you have a positive attitude and make it a fun thing they will naturally want to do it and spend time with you. not sure how this is supposed to work with several kids though...

Nice idea in theory but nope. First of all, she has no patience to sit down and show me things that she learned. I actually tried it. She was just in school for the whole day, she doesnt want to go through her day and what she learned. She wants to go play.

But even if she DID want to show me what she learned...and we would sit together...and I would listen and go through everything...tra la la....we would have no supper. My baby would be left crying unattended in his car seat. My 5 year old would be completely neglected, and likely crying as well. And my husband would walk in to a home that is messy, crying, tense, no supper for anyone, but mommy and daughter would have had their homework time.

amother

Natural

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 11:25 am

I had a similar problem and got my child a hover board. He hoverboarded towards the dining room table and I cheated for him.
He said two words of kriah and I signed his sheets.
He did one example of math and I did the rest in a child's handwriting.
He read one sentence and then maybe two more and maybe another two and I signed his reading homework.
The past few years have been a hodgepodge of all kinds of professional help but the bottom line is MY SON WANTS TO PLAY when he comes home. I do not fight it.
We just dealt with it in an underhanded way and he is growing up just fine.
He probably is kinder, more honest, less manipulative than the average child that life is easier
for them. School staff people are generally people who did not struggle through the
school system or had sensory difficulties or mood difficulties, so they usually will NOT UNDERSTAND YOU. THEY WILL ONLY PARROT WORDS LIKE EXECUTIVE FUNCTION DISORDER, ADHD, AND WHATNOT without seeing the child as a person.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 11:38 am

Same issues here.

What works:
- time limit for homework. The school has it and it works great for first grade. But by third grade, it's officially 30 minutes and just no. We worked out how much time we would spend on homework. I communicate this with the teacher. If my daughter spends that amount of time, I sign the homework sheet, regardless of whether everything was done

- involving the child in working out a time when they will do homework

- communicate with the teacher. Sometimes my daughter had the wrong idea what she was supposed to be doing and was giving herself extra unnecessary work.

- having someone come. We arranged for a high school girl to come over once a week and do homework with my daughter. It changed everything. Speak to someone in the school to see if they can arrange it.

- backing off. Halfway through third grade, I backed off. My daughter was doing well in school. Sometimes she did the homework. Sometimes not. Did not see any repercussions.

Summers are so much less stressful because there's no homework.

Ps- I would never do my child's homework for them. I don't need the extra work. And it's dishonest. I would sign it if the child did something. I sometimes sign and write a note to the teacher. Or just write a note.

octopus

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 9:46 am

On the flip side, I think no hw is a terrible idea, too!Homework is a way the teacher communicates to parents what they are learning in school, and is a way for parents to gauge if a child understands the material or not. This can be accomplished with giving 4 math examples. The way they teach chumash with teitch is just torture and so is the review. So I philosophically disagree with the way that is taught altogether. Reading and kriah is the only thing that you really HAVE to do if your child did not catch on right away. Many, many kids need the practice and you really need to do it in home and school consistently. So there has to be a happy medium. Either extreme is not good for the child.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 12:59 pm

octopus wrote:

Reading and kriah I understand. I get it, they need to practice it. Fine.

But I WISH I WISHHHHHH they would stop sending home math sheets. Spelling sheets. Shorashim sheets. Chumash review...

I dont need that in order to communicate about what my daughter is learning. A simple note "leah has been learning place value digits, perek bais in parshas noach and chapter 2 in her spelling book. Here are a sampling of her worksheets done in school, so you can see how she is doing" would be more than enough.

amother

Wine

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 1:11 pm

DH has very strong feelings about this. He thinks the schools have our kids 7,8 or more hours a day. If they can't get their job done teaching them what they need to know in that time, that's their problem. He wants that the kids should come home and be kids. Relax and play and get exercise. Not spend more time sitting at a desk or table doing worksheets.

Even though I basically agree with him, I used to fight him on this and say the kids HAD TO do all their homework all the time no matter what or it teaches them the wrong message about valuing their education and respecting their teachers. But after seeing the amount of work some of these teachers pile on the kids, I have changed my tune. We determine what we think is an acceptable amount of time to spend on homework and set a timer. When the timer goes off, homework time is done, whether the assignments were all completed or not. I tell my kids, if the teacher complains, let him/her call me about it. I've gotten very few calls which tells me that most teachers don't even care about the homework but are just giving it to give it as school policy.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 1:22 pm

amother wrote:

So many mechanachim and gedolim say the same thing in their speeches on chinuch...but I dont see it being implemented. Or, maybe they think theyre implementing it, but font realize that a little bit of every subject is still a lot