S/O of a s/o What is the financial reality TRISTATE

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Sep 18 2018, 5:57 pm

amother wrote:

lawngreen- I saw your response, that does clarify things thank you. I copied and pasted your e-mail address so you can take it down if you want. I'll be honest and say that I doubt my dh will agree to give. He likes to give to either people he himself knows personally or to established organizations. He is weary of giving to people over the internet. I didn't realize you weren't referring to known organizations though looking back I realize that there was no reason I should have made that assumption. In any event- Titzku lamitzvot!

I have no problem giving my nameand number and meeting you I person. I'll give my info via email. Thank you!!

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Sep 19 2018, 10:26 pm

Lawn green, thanks for explaining. I would love to hear more details about which specific agencies are good, and the rates etc. Would you mind if I emailed you at the address you posted? Asking first bec I know you posted it for a different reason. Thanks.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Sep 19 2018, 10:31 pm

amother wrote:

sure! Let me know of you need me to repost as took down email adress. Btw I know one of the excellent agencies looking for EI have ability to fill up caseload (obv depending on which type of therapist you are and ehat hours you have available) will be in touch!

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Sep 19 2018, 10:47 pm

SuperWify wrote:

And to all I wish you a gemar chasima Tovah and a gut gebentched yuhr. I truly hope I did not offend anyone in this thread or any others.

I apologize for the derailing of this thread!! Hope you are not upset. Have a wonderful night!

amother

Pearl

Thu, Sep 20 2018, 1:10 am

I thought we were doing well earning over $20,000 a month, but am realizing that I still find myself to be tight.

So then I started thinking that everyone splurging on clothing must be either earning more than me or in debt.

Until I realized that I "splurge" on 20% maaser, whole life insurance for every member of my family ( kids is kind of a wedding plan) and being generous with gifts and sharing food etc.

Everyone likes to spend their money elsewhere.
Also I realized that the sentence..." we are doing very well financially " has no meaning with out a value- since everyone's opinion of doing well financially is different.

amother

Babypink

Thu, Sep 20 2018, 1:27 am

Bh I have a big family. Everyone is married with children (iyh soon grandchildren).

And I will say this. Some of my siblings live very nicely. Some are in ridiculous amounts of debts. Some have wealthy in laws who subsidize certain things (tuition, kids clothing, vacations) and therefore their salary is able to give them a very nice life.

Some of my siblings live more simply, but have ample savings and some of my siblings don’t have money at the end of the month. But those who live the best most megushemidik life don’t necessarily have the most money.

Also, everyone honestly believes they are these bargains hunters. One sister in law told me that she buys yom tov dresses at end of season for next because she gets them at 50% off so they are only $50 instead of $100.
Meanwhile, I don’t spend $50 on a 4 year olds dress I’m buying sale at kidichic for $25.

It’s all what you think is “normal” and “basic”.

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Sep 20 2018, 2:31 am

I know you're all waiting to hear from someone who can't afford to keep up with the Cohen's yet does. So hi.

I grew up in Monsey and my mother took me to the sale racks in New Square plus hand me downs from my cousin who was many sizes larger than me. She didn't take care of my terrible acne or help me get makeup as an older teen.

As you can imagine there was much more emotional abuse than what I just described. That was just the tip of the ice berg.

So now that I'm married I treat myself so that I can look in the mirror and walk outside and feeel okay. I buy a lot at the frum site's end of season sales so most of my clothing is frum but last years. I. I notice what people wear and follow lots of Instagram accounts so I only buy more classic or less common stuff from last year so I don't scream last years style. We don't have much money.

We live paycheck to paycheck without support unless you want to count the occasional time my parents will buy the kids clothing/toys and my in laws give us junk from dollar store.

We have about $10k in savings and dipped into it for Yom Tov and back to school spending.

Iy"H we will rebuild the savings as DH runs a business and always earns different amounts each month and we just davened well! Yes I know that Imamothers and Dave Ramsey will say I'm foolish for spending on clothes, cleaning help. But they don't have to wake up with my burdens and history and pain - so there!!!!!

TwinsMommy

Thu, Sep 20 2018, 2:38 am

If the sale racks in new square and hand me downs are considered emotional abuse I wonder what my situation was called? Different colored turtlenecks. Had to wear a turtleneck every day. No complaints allowed. I cut my own hair in 7th grade and got a nice beating. I ended up not caring at all about clothing. As an adult most of my clothing is hand me downs. If it fits I wear it. I can't stand shopping.

amother

Olive

Thu, Sep 20 2018, 2:59 am

amother wrote:

b"h you don't know what real abuse is.

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Sep 20 2018, 4:16 am

This is a true PROBLEM of Imamother.

If someone has suffered worse than you, then your pain is invalid.

It's truly painful to be invalidated so much.

Besides this thread was just about spending on clothes and the like. Do I have to write all about the times my mom threw me out of the house and gave me the silent treatment for months in order to justify that I spend on nice things that you would all deem superfluous and economically stupid?????

amother wrote:

b"h you don't know what real abuse is.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Sep 20 2018, 6:37 am

Simple1 wrote:

Amother babyblue may have suffered from real abuse. But the fact that she considered that emotional abuse is what scares many parents of teens to spend above their means.

It can be a form of emotional abuse when combined with other things.

And even if the parents were excellent parents in other ways, to be a teenager and be forced to wear only out of date clothing that is a few sizes to big is extremely humiliating and a very painfully emotional experience. And is very bad parenting on the part of the parents.

amother

Gold

Thu, Sep 20 2018, 7:21 am

you can shop sales rack and hand me downs without dressing your kids in clothing that are a few sizes too big. I don't think people would consider me stylish, trendy or anything of the such. My kids wear hand me downs, sales rack.... but I like for the clothing to be clothing my kids like, that look nice on them and to fit them right- they should feel good in what they are wearing especially as they get older. I think most parents regardless of their budget would aim for that basic level. Could be her mother really didn't have any other clothing options or was just completely clueless, or didn't care, no idea. It sounds like it was part of a bigger picture though. You can definitely be cognizant of your kids and your budget.

To say that that because the previous poster felt her mother didn't care about her because she didn't make sure she looked "nice" will make other people feel like they need to spend massive amount of money is a jump. I can understand why the amother will be sensitive in this area and might spend more then she might have otherwise because to her it's personal. She even said though that she tries to buy last season's style so she still doesn't fit in to the category of spending a fortune without thinking Wink

hugs amother!

amother

Mint

Thu, Sep 20 2018, 7:25 am

Baby blue, I'm happy for you that you're able to make it work, and that you've finally been able to feel good about yourself in this way. I can identify. My mother strictly controlled what food I was allowed to eat, so now I eat A LOT more than anyone else I know (other than my sister lol). I work out a lot too, and try to eat a lot of healthful foods, but I think the reason why I eat so much is because I have a fear of being controlled again, and having limited access to food.

amother

Gold

Thu, Sep 20 2018, 7:27 am

pearl amother-did you compare full life insurance for your kids with investing the money in mutual funds? You might want to just make sure it's really the best route for you if you are doing it for them to have money for their weddings... My grandfather bought me full life insurance so I keep it but my dh doesn't think it's the best way to invest money. He has term, we have money in investments and we we invest money in our children's names.