Are sleep overs safe?

amother

Gray

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 7:18 pm

amother wrote:

Are you all afraid of molestation? What is the main concern?

I was molested at age 9 by an 11 year old friend during a sleep over at her house.
A year later I molested my 8 year old sister.

I was so guilt ridden, I told my mother everything.

My sister and I were immediately put into therapy and now as adult women, it’s as shameful part of our life which never happened again.

thunderstorm

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 7:21 pm

amother wrote:

I would believe that she was referring to the type of things you mentioned above and probably stuff even worse.

OK. If you know your daughter well, then you would know if this is something to be concerned about . Not every girl is into trouble. I know they try to make it sound like the world is coming to an end nowadays and teenagers are doing XY and Z . But I know for myself that I would have never participated in any scandalous activity EVEN if there were other girls that did . (They didn't but I remember one girl faking like she was in labor and giving birth with her legs spread etc. acting completely overtired and nuts and that's as BAD as it ever got)
I really wish principals didn't scare parents away from letting their daughters lead normal healthy lives and have friends without constantly having to worry about everything because nobody could be trusted . I honestly think it does a disservice. But that's my own opinion.

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 7:24 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

My daughters school had initially allowed the sleepovers. I guess they had valid concerns why they changed their mind. They may well have had parents reporting very distressing incidents etc.

thunderstorm

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 7:30 pm

amother wrote:

My daughters school had initially allowed the sleepovers. I guess they had valid concerns why they changed their mind. They may well have had parents reporting very distressing incidents etc.

Then I'm assuming the same issues apply for girls that go to sleep away camp and seminary.

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 7:34 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Then I'm assuming the same issues apply for girls that go to sleep away camp and seminary.

Not all incidents that can occur at someones private home can happen at camp and the same goes for Seminary.

But, in camp and Seminary there can be l*****n issues.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 7:38 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

As someone who has gone to countless sleepovers between age six and eighteen, I have never experienced anything remotely bad in anyone's home.
I don't think that there is a difference between then and today. Molestation always existed, dysfunctional families always existed etc.
I would have to see what my DH says , but I'd be comfortable to send to another classmates home, regardless if I knew the mother well or not and if my daughter was at least 10.

Agree. I went to a million sleepovers. Nothing bad ever happened. As long as I think the parents are normal and functional, I would send.

amother

Rose

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 7:48 pm

I used to think my close friend was overprotective when she refused to allow her kids to go for sleepovers. After several decades, she revealed that she had been repeatedly molested by a trusted adult relative when she stayed at his home. She was just a little girl.

anon for obvious reasons

watergirl

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 7:51 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Same. I loved sleepovers! Shabbos sleepovers especially. I had one friend who was from a frum family (we did shabbos and kosher “lite”) and their home was my first taste of real shabbos. I am so grateful to them for all of those many many shabbosim! My kids love sleepovers and they go and kids come here, my sons and daughters. We also do the x code, I saw it on facebook and discussed it with my kids who loved it too.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 8:07 pm

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my child sleeping over at friends.
I myself acted inappropriately with my friends at sleepovers , when I was a young teen. I’m not sure what the solution is though, aside from having open communication with your teenager etc. cuz We found a way to do it even on a school shabbaton and even at a sleepover with the entire class.

Miri7

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 8:33 pm

Bad things happen in schools, in homes, at shul....I don’t know why sleepovers are such a source of grave concern.

Of all the people I know who were molested, assaulted or raped, it wasn’t at a sleepover. (Though I’m sure it’s happened there - it happens all to frequently in many contexts).

What I think is most important is talking with your kids about safety, about their bodies, that no one should ask them to keep a secret from you. Keep lines of communication open. Make sure that they know you will always love them and that they can tell you anything.

A huge concern of mine coming out of the Kavanaugh fiasco was girls and boys hearing adults say they didn’t believe Dr Ford. Hearing people say she shouldn’t have been there. So the kids internalize that adults won’t believe them and somehow it’s their fault....

amother

Brown

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 8:43 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

I'm older than you, and I was. Molested at a friend's home.

DrMom

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 9:58 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Agree. I went to a million sleepovers. Nothing bad ever happened. As long as I think the parents are normal and functional, I would send.

This.

You can't live your entire life paranoid about boogeymen. In a normal society, molestation is rare, and you have to weigh the impact of sheltering your child to an extreme degree against a highly-improbably event vs. giving your child independence and confidence.

Obviously, other inputs some into play (age and maturity of your child, how well you know the other family members, etc.) but in general, I don't see the problem with sleepovers if we know the family and they seem normal and you take reasonable precautions.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 10:10 pm

DrMom wrote:

Molestation is not at all rare in any society

groisamomma

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 10:36 pm

Definitely depends on the child. Molestation is not the only concern here, and you have to know your kid well.

My oldest DD has iron self-control and no interest in learning the facts of life from anyone but me. She never watches non-Jewish videos, thinks the internet is inappropriate because of its potential dangers, and she would never participate in any inappropriate behaviors with other girls. (She hasn't inherited any of that from me. Sometimes I think we're not related.) She abruptly and unapologetically walks away when she thinks a conversation is heading a certain way and won't discuss "girl things" with anyone except me (and then only if she has a question). I heard from other kids in her bunk that she's put a stop to such conversations in her bunkhouse. She often tells me how immature it is and how uncomfortable it makes her when girls share such info, she hates it. I trust her to have sleepovers both in our house and at two friends whose families I know well. Of course, we talk about safety since my kids were little but I did reiterate it once or twice particularly in reference to sleepovers.

My other DDs I made the mistake of allowing it and now I regret it. Without going into details, the average girl finds it hard to swim against the tide and will participate or listen carefully when other girls initiate such conversations. If someone turns on YouTube they are going to watch along with everyone else. This is the first year I no longer allow them to go, but their friends are welcome here if older DS is away for Shabbos.

amother

Lilac

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 11:03 pm

amother wrote:

Our policy is that we dont allow our girls to sleep over at friends but I do allow girls to come to us. I only allow girls that I know to sleep over by us. My parents had the same policy with us growing up.

But then why should I trust my DD to sleepover at yours when you clearly don’t trust me?

amother

Lilac

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 11:07 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Agree. I went to a million sleepovers. Nothing bad ever happened. As long as I think the parents are normal and functional, I would send.

And IMHO, even if the parents are not so normal or functional, it doesn’t mean they won’t take the best care of your DDs while they sleepover.

What matters to me is the relationship of the DDs to each other. I’d be more inclined to send my DD to a house of a girl I know likes her even if her parents seem a little strange vs sending her to a mean girl with more “normal” parents....

amother

Lilac

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 11:19 pm

amother wrote:

I am so sorry for your pain and commend your honesty and ability to tell at such a young age.

This is an important post to all amothers: abusers are not just DHs/dysfunctional families. Innocent-looking 11-year old girls can be perpetrators too.

DrMom

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 11:34 pm

amother wrote:

This is an important post to all amothers: abusers are not just DHs/dysfunctional families. Innocent-looking 11-year old girls can be perpetrators too.

So maybe we should all homeschool our children and wrap them in Saran Wrap when on the rare occasions when they are permitted to leave the house?

You cannot remove all risk unless you remove all freedom. There has to be a balance.