How to deal with kids still up when you're ready to relax

amother

Gray

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 8:45 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

TRUTH. In the amount of time I would spend arguing over one small thing, I could have cleaned the whole house for Pesach! Not only that, I'd be equally exhausted.

Teens can be ungrateful and selfish, but we have to pick and choose our battles for a few years. When they get homes of their own, they'll realize soon enough that dishes and laundry don't wash themselves, no matter how long you stare at them. Wink

YUP. EXACTLY! I pick & choose my battles because I want to have a good relationship with my teens. When they leave my house they can decide if they want to live in filth or scrub that toilet. And maybe, just maybe, they will think of poor Mom who scrubbed their toilets their whole lives.
It's not worth it to start each morning yelling about the mess they made the night before.

amother

Yellow

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 12:39 pm

OP, writing on my lunch break
First of all thank you all for validating that this is even a “thing”, I was feeling guilty and selfish for wanting to turn off and tune out so thank you!
I am also shocked that so many of you cope by ‘hiding’ in your rooms – I was also feeling terrible about that, thinking it was a horrible thing to do – how could I even think I’m allowed to leave mommy mode and have '=me time? Isn’t that so selfish? But apparently not! It's a survival mechanism Smile

But I also see that when I don’t do self-care my kids suffer anyway.
I like the idea of getting in the shower at the time I’m ready to start relaxing, and it does send a message once I’ve showered and gotten in pajamas that I’m ready for my own bedtime, my brain is no longer working, see ya tomorrow, kid!
I also like the idea of setting a boundary for those times where my kid also decides to tell me the intricate details of her day when I’m ready to go to sleep so I’m not shutting her out, and depriving myself of the opportunity to find out how her life is going, but also not being expected to listen forever.
My only remaining concern is how to have private time to talk to my DH…he is on a different schedule than me, in that he eats dinner very late and goes to bed even later – so after the kids go to bed I used to sit with him at the kitchen table and we could talk …but now oldest DD is still around …do I confine her to her room after a certain time, she doesn’t have to go to sleep but she has to stay upstairs?

mha3484

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 12:43 pm

When I was a teen we had a be in your room time not a bed time. My mother made it clear that she was off duty unless it was an emergency and that we needed to entertain ourselves in our rooms how ever we wanted. Read a book, do a craft, sleep it was up to us but party was over.

Even now with an elementary aged child who is starting to pull shtick with bed time I have done similar. I tell him he needs to be in his room relaxing and that unless he is bleeding profusely or smells a fire I am happy to talk to him tomorrow, now I am having my own quiet time. He laughs but it works.

Last edited by mha3484 on Thu, Nov 01 2018, 12:45 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Gray

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 12:45 pm

amother wrote:

....

My only remaining concern is how to have private time to talk to my DH…he is on a different schedule than me, in that he eats dinner very late and goes to bed even later – so after the kids go to bed I used to sit with him at the kitchen table and we could talk …but now oldest DD is still around …do I confine her to her room after a certain time, she doesn’t have to go to sleep but she has to stay upstairs?

After too many times where I thought my kids were in their rooms and DH and I were having a conversation in the kitchen and the kids overheard, all private conversations are held in our bedroom. I can't confine my teenagers to their rooms. It's just something you have to get used to. Teenagers take over your house and you have to get through this stage.
I can't talk on the phone at all anymore. One of my kids just always seems to be around and I don't have time to spend in my bedroom. I used to be able to talk to my mother or friends when I clean up, do dishes, etc. Not anymore. This is the stage of life I am at.

ShishKabob

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 1:02 pm

I used to think that mothers that go to sleep before their teenagers were not functional mothers. I mean how can you?
I got there and now I know why mothers retire before their teenagers.
It's self preservation. I need my sleep otherwise I can't be much of a mother at all.
I try to be available when my kids come home and schmooze with them over supper and afterwards. Sometimes they'll have more to schmooze about than others. If it's a serious issue I will push off my bedtime. (I don't have a bedtime, but around a time) Other than that I have no issue chilling in my room with a book and if I don't want to be interrupted I make sure to lock the door and close the light. I'll use the night lamp so that my kids know that I'm out of service. Smile

Why do we totally have to erase our needs for our children? teenagers or not?
It's not effective. it just leads to resentment and bad mothering.

amother

Rose

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 1:29 pm

amother wrote:

OP, writing on my lunch break
My only remaining concern is how to have private time to talk to my DH…he is on a different schedule than me, in that he eats dinner very late and goes to bed even later – so after the kids go to bed I used to sit with him at the kitchen table and we could talk …but now oldest DD is still around …do I confine her to her room after a certain time, she doesn’t have to go to sleep but she has to stay upstairs?

That would be really odd and infair IMO.

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 1:31 pm

amother wrote:

Hahahahaha..... do you have teenagers? Mine could care less about the cleanliness of my house.

I only have teenagers. If they make a mess in the kitchen, they are responsible to clean it up. Mine could also care less. But they know, they will have to clean it before they leave. They will be woken up early. It only takes a couple of times to enforce this.

Neither DH nor I want to wake up to a dirty kitchen. It must be clean for our first cup of coffee.

heidi

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 1:56 pm

This might seem different but it works for us.
My youngest goes to bed at 8:20. After that, I retire to my bedroom-- talk on the phone, fold laundry, watch tv. My older kids are all invited to "keep me company"-- they chat with me, watch tv with me or just hang out on their phones or reading a book while lying in my husband's bed.
It is my time to talk to them or just spend quiet time with them.
I have had some amazing conversations with grown sons who just came in "to keep me company".
10 pm (or 10:30 if hubby is still not ready for bed) is the end of "visiting hours".
Sometimes no one visits, sometimes there is room on the floor only bcz. the bed is taken by a sibling.
And I get to relax in my pj's

amother

Yellow

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 8:44 pm

amother wrote:

My problem is my DH is sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner and hanging out there. I go to bed and fall asleep before he even comes upstairs. Sigh.

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 8:58 pm

Wait until they’re in 9th grade, and they get soooo much HW and test they are sometimes up till 2am.
I remember when my 3 girls where in hs. They would sit at the dining room table to do HW.
I’m one corner I had biology, the other corner chemistry, in the middle physics.
By the time my last child finished HS, I was ready to graduate.
Now I have oooh such peaceful nights.

DVOM

Fri, Nov 02 2018, 6:25 am

Grrrrrr! What about kids who wake up before your ready??? I get up at 5:45 to have a half hour of quiet without my boys before I wake them for school. Guess who was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me when I stumbled into the kitchen to make my first cup of tea this morning? Yup, said boys. Tried convincing them I'm actually still sleeping, just sitting up sleeping while sipping tea. No luck. I feel my nerves jangling. I need a bit of quiet contemplation time before I start the social part of my day! I have no idea how I'll cope when their teenagers. Probably hide in my room with the rest of you guys.

amother

White

Fri, Nov 02 2018, 6:56 am

I cant imagine confining teens to their room just so you can have quiet time.
Thats really unfair, and unless it's culturally accepted where you live, your kids will be resentful.
If you want privacy, you will need to retreat to your room.
You can still relax and schmooze with your dh in the kitchen, just dont have private conversations. It's healthy for the kids to see you enjoy talking to each other daily. Not all downtime needs to take place behind closed doors.

amother

Pearl

Fri, Nov 02 2018, 7:27 am

My kids (all except the youngest one are still up an about) know that DH and I eat a late dinner together (usually like 8:15-9 PM but sometimes not till 10) and they need to stay out of the kitchen for that time. Sometimes if there is something they need quickly like a drink of water they'll breeze through quickly and say something like "I'm not here!" LOL

If we need to talk about anything private at dinner it does need to be in whispers because they're all "around" just not in the room.
But we take walks in the evening to talk as often as we can (BEST thing about having teenagers is to not have to think about babysitters Wink

)

Definitely agree with going into your room and closing the door if you need some time to yourself. My teens know that if the light is on and they really need something I'm there for them but I'm "off duty " for the most part and once the light is off they better NOT knock unless it's an emergency.

And the dirty kitchen part... you mean I'm not the only one who goes to sleep some nights with a clean kitchen and wakes up with it magically dirty. It's like the opposite of the elves in the shoemaker story Rolling Eyes

Ruchel

Fri, Nov 02 2018, 7:41 am

amother wrote:

Why would teens do their hw in the living room
oh and yes room time is a thing - doesn't mean they cannot get a glass of water or toilets, just no odd hanging around

amother

White

Fri, Nov 02 2018, 8:05 am

Ruchel wrote:

Why would teens do their hw in the living room
oh and yes room time is a thing - doesn't mean they cannot get a glass of water or toilets, just no odd hanging around

Room time is not a thing in North American or Israeli culture. Maybe it is in Europe.
Kids who have bedtimes have to go to their room of course, but older kids are not sent there just because you want them out of the way. I usually stopped with enforcing bedtimes around age 13 or 14. At that point I strongly encourage going to sleep but I dont force it. All my kids eventually figured out that if they want to be functional the next day, then they should sleep at a normal time.

And why wouldnt teens do hw in public areas? I always did mine in the dining area. The table was much larger than my desk, and I enjoyed spreading my papers out. I also dislike working in a closed room. My kids are mostly the same, they generally prefer studying in the living rm/kitchen/dining rm.
Also if your computers are in public areas and the hw requires a computer, there is no choice.

amother

White

Fri, Nov 02 2018, 9:22 am

rachelmom1 wrote:

Am I the only one, if I don't remind my teens to get to bed they would read or talk till the wee hours of thr morning and craziness ensues the next day. Am I a helicopter parent by urging them to shut down?

I remind and urge, I just dont force and punish past a certain age.