Advice for telling daughter about intimacy

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Nov 08 2018, 11:54 pm

My daughter knows a bit about the biology of reproduction but not about the hashkafa and the practical side. She's embarrassed for me to talk about it. How can I convey what needs to be conveyed without making her feel uncomfortable?

I was a different type of kid, so I don't know how to do this. I wasn't shy, but my daughter is. She's a private type of kid. I really don't want to overwhelm her.

essie14

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 12:56 am

I’m pretty sure the only hashkafa part my mother discussed with me as a teen was “no s*x outside of marriage”.
What else do you want to discuss with her?
As long as she knows the biology and understands what she will have to do with her husband, I think that’s fine for when she starts dating. You (or her kallah teacher) can discuss more when she’s engaged.

amother

Tan

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 4:53 am

amother wrote:

How old is she and what is prompting you to speak about it now?

amother

Blonde

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 4:59 am

Well it depends on the kid. She doesn't seem the type you need to remind of not having s-ex before marriage...
I would want to talk to my kids about that when they are around 12/13. No s-ex before marriage, make sure you're friends with the right people who don't get into trouble, no trying cigarettes or weed etc. The typical teenager talk. I'm a BT so I was really naive and thought all FFBs were so sweet and pure as teenagers. Seems like I was wrong. Some of my friends who went to BY told me they had boyfriend's or kissed random guys at chassunas behind the wedding halls when noone was watching. That's quite creepy. Don't want that for my kids.. so I'd talk about it.

Forrealx

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 6:02 am

I once talked about this when I was a student with a minor in zx/gender studies with my chabad rebbetzin, she said she learned to talk about this with kids. Especially when she is pregnant and hte kinderlach asked her where babies come from she told them about the birds and the bees but brought the kedusha more in front.

Forrealx

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 6:11 am

amother wrote:

I'm also BT and I also thought tthat FFB girls were sweet and pure more like I was. I know that those things happen that BY girls got curious and kissed boys random. Or that bocherim from place X. go to place Y. where no one know them to date/kiss and even sleep with girls there, come back to place X marry a girl from their area. When I was hearing that I was like ''dude don't pretend you are all koidesh'' from some friends I know they dated etc before and also kissed and more, after their wedding it was not normal because their husband did the same. So here is still my advice talk about the kedushah and so on.

amother

Tangerine

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 12:43 pm

She's in early high school. I want to talk about specifics with her because she's becoming more mature and I want her to have the right hashkafos. It's something teens think about, so why shouldn't they have information beyond the basics? Otherwise she'll hear stuff from her friends that isn't accurate, or pick up wrong stuff from the secular world.

I don't mean tons of details, I just mean more information than she has now. Like about pleasure, kedusha, why Hashem made it this way. I want to make sure she doesn't get the impression that s-xuality is something dirty or embarrassing. I want her to look forward to it in a healthy way, with the right hashkafos about connecting husband and wife, things like that. I want her to understand that relations are about pleasure for both partners, and about connecting, and they're holy, rather than whatever she might inadvertently be exposed to from secular media.

ra_mom

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 1:17 pm

amother wrote:

Tell it to her the way you just wrote it.
That it's a beautiful way for a husband and wife to connect, to join as one body like when chava was created from one body of adam.
That's it's kadosh and brings the shechina into the home, and it's pleasurable for both partners, and not just a means for procreating.
Tell her that some may portray s-x as dirty, but the torah tells us that there is always a balance of good and bad and it just has to be with the right one and in the right time and then it's a beautiful mitzvah that is also very pleasurable and brings a couple closer together in love.

amother

Blonde

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 2:01 pm

Forrealx wrote:

It's quite funny because even though I was BT I had never even kissed a guy until I got married lol I was always "old fashioned and prude" .. meanwhile BY teens have a better love life.. oh well Very Happy

Chayalle

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 2:27 pm

amother wrote:

I dont see why kids need to know specific details about relations before they're ready to get married. What are you trying to achieve with that?? Kids will always have questions, no matter how much they know.

That your kid shouldn't feel stupid when everyone else in the class knows stuff that she doesn't. That your kid should know that when she's having age-appropriate questions, she will get age-appropriate answers from you, and she does not have to try to get those answers from other sources (which can lead to anything from misinformation to way too much information, which you seem to be concerned about too....)

When one of my girls was 7, her cousin of same age told her about periods. I'd much rather she would've heard it from me (I usually tell my girls at closer to age 10) because her cousin scared the living daylights out of her, and told her lots of misinformation, like that you bleed tons, like a faucet of running water......I was glad she came to me with the information she had, and I was able to clear things up and reassure her.

Similarly, if you don't tell your teen what they need to know, they may get their information elsewhere, and differently than you would have given it.

I commend OP for wanting to do this right.

Chayalle

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 2:28 pm

amother wrote:

It is not the norm among BY teens. There may be some teens in BY schools like this, but it is definitely not commonplace, AFAIK.

crust

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 3:52 pm

amother wrote:

At which point do you think it becomes appropriate to share specific details?

amother

Indigo

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 4:36 pm

I feel like there is a difference between girls that are exposed to movies/tv/social media, and girls that are not. If they are going to see actual relations scenes on the screen, they better know some hashkafa. If it is highly unlikely (no computer or personal phone and living in, idk, kiryat sefer), they don't need to know much until kalla classes.

essie14

Sat, Nov 10 2018, 12:20 pm

amother wrote:

If she’s exposed to TV and movies and books I would say, “s*x between a husband and wife is not how it’s portrayed in the media. It’s beautiful and brings couple together physically and emotionally. S*x isn’t something dirty. It’s beautiful in the context of marriage. You know that as frum Jews we believe that s*x is reserved for once a couple is married, including all forms of romantic touch.”

ectomorph

Mon, Nov 12 2018, 10:03 pm

amother wrote:

they don't.
I don't know who's making up these ridiculous stories.

but I attended multiple by schools and literally don't know a single person who touched a guy until they got married

ectomorph

Mon, Nov 12 2018, 10:05 pm

Chayalle wrote:

It is not the norm among BY teens. There may be some teens in BY schools like this, but it is definitely not commonplace, AFAIK.

oh good I was starting to wonder if I was crazy.
I guess it's yet another proof that this site is populated by a lot of people who are not really frum. Trolls and such.