Does anyone really have a good life?

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 7:49 pm

I have a really good life.
I get challenged every day to become a better me than I was yesterday.
To me, that is the perfect life.

I am taught lessons in acceptance, and maturity. I am forced to grow and heal and become more and more real with myself.

I was given gifts that astound me on a daily basis. I am learning how to be able to have abundance and use it to bring me closer to Hashem. I am learning to set healthy boundaries with others. I am learning to have gratitude for every moment and every opportunity. I'm learning what it means to be a strong woman.

I love my life, and when I completely accept everything, and I'm in touch with my innermost self, I know that I am in a place that I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. The challenges only serve to deepen my connection with myself and with Hashem.

That makes me have the best life I can ever ask for, regardless of what curveballs come my way.

simba

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 8:14 pm

amother wrote:

That is beautiful and inspiring. Thank you for sharing. May you see blessings and beauty.

amother

Navy

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 8:21 pm

amother wrote:

Op, I don't know if this is a personal situation or your friend's situation. It's horrible. I have the same problem and haven't met anyone irl with this problem. I'm trying to understand how this problem can be resolved. I have some ideas, none of which are feasible absent a significant sum of money, but wondering if you might have some ideas as well. Is living in a bubble the only viable option?

I'm concerned about derailing the thread, so I'm thinking maybe email would be better. my email address is harmonyliving3 at gmail dot com

If you're uncomfortable, or would rather not for whatever reason, it's ok. Not to worry. Life will go on....

Im sorry you are in this situation. I have no solutions, but its not me personally going through thiz. I dont feel comfortable not staying anonymous.

amother

Navy

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 8:35 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

I agree that it may sound impossible that these constant tzaros are based on attitude but I believe there is a correlation of suffering and a mindset.
My DH said that Rabbi YY Jacobson just spoke about it. There is something called "The Laws of Attraction". We have a certain energy that can cause positive or negative outcomes. Read up on the Law of Attraction online so that you get a better understanding.
This is not blaming a person for their suffering but may help a person that suffers one thing after the other.

Thanks for sharing but this is not true in my life as I have a close relative who is always positive but he still didnt get a "normal" job to support his family and was turned down at the interviews. He now does commission work in his "free time" and keeps telling me he set up a meeting and is hoping it will go through. I feel like saying "u said it the last 18 times and you made no money". But, im quiet and say I hope so.

Whenever I hear these shiurim, I have new questions bec in my life, I dont see it applying.

Also, what about the child growing up with the abusive dad?? She was always hoping her dad would be good and loving to her bec he would "switch" into rages....she was innocent in her thinking and always hoped for the best. All that positive energy did nothing to stop her dad from getting into rages and beating her sibilings....same with the woman who needs an aide to wipe her...she always hopes that today the aide will do her job and wipe her...but so far everyday the aides refuse and yell at her if she pleads with them to help...all that positive energy didnt help...

amother

Emerald

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 9:31 pm

amother wrote:

My husband and I basically share a life. We share our financial struggles. We both come from disfunctional families. We are both broken hearted about the struggles our children face. I have health problems, but it ends up effects his life tremendously. We have secondary infertility. The list goes on... But he is an extreme optimist, and if you talked to him you would think our life is roses. If you would talk to me, you would probably run for the hills and thank hashem that you don't have my life.
Same life.
Different outlooks.
I wish I could be more like him.
I'm trying.

Oh my gosh I completely relate to this!! I think I’m going to start my own thread on this topic!

pause

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 9:42 pm

I absolutely believe that some people do have a good life. There are people who don't have any major nisyonos. It's not only about attitude. Someone suffering will feel better by thinking that they're not the only one suffering, so even if they don't see others' problems, they feel better thinking that they have problems.

Now, don't get me wrong. Every person is here on this world to fulfill a tafkid. Everyone has spiritual work to do. But for some people, Hashem decides to give them objectively harder circumstances for them to accomplish their task, and other people get an easier set of circumstances.

We don't know or understand why some people have to suffer more to fulfill their purpose here. But it's naive to think that everyone has something major they're suffering with - even with a cloth laundry bag. Tzaddik v'ra lo and rasha v'tov lo is a discussion as old as our existence.

Kiwi13

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 10:38 pm

pause wrote:

I don't know that I agree with this... objective facts aren't the only elements of a struggle. Someone who is internally strong might come through tougher times with grace, even if it is very hard. Someone who struggles internally might waver through challenges that seem "little" to most other people. I was thinking about this recently... a tzadik is judged on a higher level, and is judged for slighter nuances than someone on a lower level. When I was a kid that was all the proof I needed why it was good I wasn't a tzadeikes. The truth though, I believe, is that the tzadik and the rasha and everyone in between is judged on their own unique level. It has nothing to do with a different external measuring stick. It's all about what you are capable of understanding and of choosing. So in that sense, it's really all the same thing: Hashem judges each of us on our own individual level, with everything that entails.

For example, and I know it's not a perfect example, but bear with me - I have described my struggle with mental health in terms of driving in a race. During some of my hardest struggles I thought that other people might look at my life and see nothing but blue skies and clear, level roads, and that they would wonder why I'm not just driving my car straight to the finish line. My conclusion is that sometimes there's a problem with the road... and sometimes there's a problem with the CAR. Nobody knows another person's struggle. And to be blunt, if the biggest problem someone ever experienced in their life was getting the wrong bakery order... that will probably be a big challenge to them precisely because they never had anything bigger to compare it to or to grow from. There is no absolute scale. Everything is relative and context is major. Comparing two lives isn't just apples and oranges, it's like apples and Tuesday.

amother

Mauve

Wed, Nov 28 2018, 12:18 am

In another thread I posted a whole chain of hashgacha pratis where all my challenges that looked so bad turned out to be good. If you look for the good you find it. The challenges were major struggles....you couldn't tell it was a good thing...at the time it was happening. Later on when we connected the dots we saw how it saved us.

Challenges included were infertility. Severe preeclampsia. Premie baby. Losing job. Diagnosis of cancer for long awaited child. Relapse of cancer. Postponement of transplant. & more.

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Nov 28 2018, 12:28 am

I was going to post that Baruch HaShem, and I say this to my husband daily, we are so unbelievably blessed. We really have a good life.

But....
reflecting, I have had 2 still births, and a miscarriage. We have had some difficult times Parnasa wise, One of our children is more challenging than your average. My husband works an extremely high pressure long hours very stressful job. I’m the only one in my family who doesn’t live nearby and I miss out on 95% of family gatherings. I have anxiety.

However, when I think of my life, I think of my beautiful (inside and out), talented, academic, empathetic children, our wonderful community, our friends, we are a well respected part of our community. We have a great marriage Bh, a nice home, we have meaningful work that we accomplish, we have food on the table, we have worked ourself out of debt. We are capable, hardworking motivated and talented people.

Hodu laHashem Ki Tov.

I don’t believe everyone has an equal share of challenges. Some people have more obvious, deeply difficult situations, such as illness, death of loved ones, lack of support, no parnasa, children who are exceptionally difficult etc...

But I know that some people with my life, would focus on the challenges that I have. And I really do feel deeply blessed every single day. (Of course, partially due to my anxiety, I do feel like something catastrophic will happen to me because how could life be so good to me?)

But really, from someone on the outside looking in, and I feel this myself, I do have a great life and I thank hashem for it everyday.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Nov 28 2018, 12:48 am

amother wrote:

Wow unbelievable! You seem like an amazing, happy, positive person. Hashem should continue giving you koach & health.
I hope everyone is doing well now...

DVOM

Wed, Nov 28 2018, 6:15 am

I have a really wonderful life. It's not struggle-free, but it's really, really good. For me, it all comes down to relationships, and my relationships are rich and rewarding. That's my definition of a good life. Most of the time I'm able to recognize that everything else- money, power, reputation, beauty, possessions- are fleeting, and can only bring a fleeting happiness.

The more I learn about attachment theory, the more I see that a person's earliest years and earliest relationships have a powerful imprint on the rest of their lives. I had parents who were imperfect but gave me the sense that I could count on them and count on myself, that they would always be there to help me, and that I was capable of helping myself. The image I saw when I looked into the mirror of their eyes was a valuable, interesting, precious, smart, loveable, talented person, so these are the things I internalized as 'me'. This kind of secure safe attachment filters down into so many areas of my life. It gave me a blueprint to form healthy relationships with other healthy people.

It seems so unfair sometimes that people's lives are so powerfully shaped by their parents. We don't get to choose who we're born to. I know how lucky I was to be born to mine.

Metukah

Wed, Nov 28 2018, 7:28 am

DVOM wrote:

This is so true.

I agree with some of the posters that it is all about the attitude. But even then, it depends on the circumstance. It's easy to say that when life is generally smooth sailing.

I have an amazing dh and we love each other immensely. I have 3 beautiful, funny, clever children who we love dearly. We're not even close to well off and dh and I work hard at a salaried job, but we don't struggle to put food on the table, I don't have to think 10 times before making any purchases. We live in a small rented apartment, but at least we can pay the rent and it looks decent.

It still all depends on the attitude. I'm very optimistic by nature, so I'll usually see the positive. Although, I'm still nauseous and I'm over 20 weeks pregnant and I know it will last until the end, I have terrible heartburn most of the time and I'm exhausted, when I'm asked about the pregnancy, I will tell you how great it is.

My parents are difficult people and my childhood was hard. Looking back I would dare to even call it a little dysfunctional, but, I love my parents and whole family dearly. I'm lucky to have such amazing siblings and such a great family. I try hard not to focus on the failings.

DH on the other hand, is a little more pessimistic, so yes our life is great, and yes we have jobs, but according to him we are struggling financially. If our kids aren't perfectly behaved, we have the most difficult children in the world. If the house is a little messy, it's the messiest in the world. For the first few years of marriage, if we ever had the smallest argument, he was devastated and thought our marriage was in tatters.

Please note, we live together and have the same life but our glasses are a different colour.

(to be fair to dh, he has tried very hard to change his outlook)

amother

Indigo

Wed, Nov 28 2018, 7:45 am

amother wrote:

I think some people have it much worse than others. They seems to have one excruciating hardship piled on top of another and it just doesn't stop, the pile keeps growing and toppling.

I am going thru a very difficult time right now. One problem after another. Elderly sick mom in nursing home with dementia. Close relative just had a heart attack. Another close relative with medical issues but the doctors can't figure out what is going on. My own medical issues.
Then I go to a gathering or a shiur or even to shul and everyone is discussing their plans for chol hamoed, mall shopping, etc. etc. etc. and I feel a tinge of jealousy. I can't plan a minute ahead what will be and they are all planning fun activities with families, children, and more.