Teenagers helping with younger kids

essie14

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 7:04 am

As everyone else said, it has to be a balance. I never ask my kids to change their plans or to stay home and babysit if they would rather be doing something else. They're teenagers and they're entitled to a social life. I always ask them in advance if they can watch the baby if we need to go out. My kids are generally home at night and if my baby is sleeping they are really not inconvenienced. Childcare never comes before schoolwork either.
But they know that on Fridays, taking care of the baby is included in Shabbat prep. Someone else said she gives choices of chores, so I do that too. If a teenager wants to sweep, I'll entertain my baby. Otherwise we swap.

amother

Vermilion

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 11:56 am

amother wrote:

Agreed with the above, there's nothing about teens helping with siblings that is inherently more burdensome than, say, teens washing the dishes. Where it gets tricky is that there is a line where it becomes inappropriate, and you want to watch out for that. Anything you ask of your teens should not interfere with school or a reasonable social life. When I was teen, it was understood that I sometimes needed to help with kids. Usually it was just mom running out for a bit here or I'm getting home first, so I need to watch until a parent gets home an hour later. Sometimes I'd be asked to babysit while they went out for the evening. It was almost always after siblings were sleeping (or all ready for bed) and I had homework to do anyway. If it was a weekend, my parents would pay me, because it would usually mean giving something up, and I had the option to turn it down, in which case they'd find a sitter. Also, if I had to turn down other paid opportunities to watch my siblings, my parents always paid me the equivalent of what I would have made at the job I declined. I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask your dd to watch them now and then. I would pay her something if she helps over vacation though, as she'd be giving up her day off.

I need to disagree with you!!!! You can't compare watching kids with washing dishes... If dishes break... Mazal tov I guess. A child is a responsibility...that's why you need them to be watched. If they could take care of themselves you wouldn't need a sitter would you? So for a teen to have the responsibility of a person or a few persons is definitely different than washing dishes. I remember in Israel once there was a girl maybe 8 or 9 with 4 little siblings...I felt SO bad for her. It's quite normal in Israel I guess. But she was overwhelmed. It wasn't fair. She also wanted to play but one kid was crying, one wanted to run to the street, the other one wanted to be pushed on the swing. So obviously this was extreme but you get now how that's different to washing dishes?

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 12:00 pm

amother wrote:

An 8 year old is not a teen.

Maybe in Israel teenagehood starts early since once you are past 10, you are in the "teen numbers". In the US, a teen is, at youngest, 13.

I think at some point, teens should learn to help out at home, including some childcare. As long as they are not overwhelmed or overburdened, and they can still enjoy the norms of teenage social and school events, a little bit of childcare is entirely appropriate and beneficial to them.

amother

Pink

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 5:51 pm

I once offered to my daughter to invite a friend over and we would make cookies together. She was really excited but when she called her friend her friend said I can’t. My mother needs my help. 10 minutes later she called back and said my mother said I can go.

I really admired the mother for that. She was very overwhelmed I think she just had a baby and really needed her daughters help. But she recognized that her dd had a social opportunity that she would miss out on by helping and allowed her to go.

It’s all about helping out as needed but not missing out on there own life.

Purple2

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 8:56 pm

I think people who are posting here don’t realize that there are different levels of “helping”. Most people who are posting about a balance here do not have large families. If someone is 11 with 3 younger siblings, it usually is not that overwhelming.
I’ve read many many resentful posts from those who were older siblings of very large families. Many of them were expected to watch numerous younger siblings, and that’s where they got resentful.
If you choose to have a very large family, then parent them. The older sibling didn’t sign up for that job. She’ll have her time to be a mother herself and choose the amount of children she wants to raise. She shouldn’t be expected to raise yours.
My children help at home, as they should. But there are girls are literally robbed of their childhoods and that’s unfair.

ora_43

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 10:24 pm

I think it's about tone.

(Also, as others have said, about how much you need and how much you expect them to give up - asking a 13-year-old to make sandwiches for the younger kids once a month is not the same as making it a daily task, asking a 14-year-old to take two younger siblings to the park for a couple hours is not the same as asking him to watch 5 younger siblings for several hours every day, asking a teenager to watch their siblings instead of doing nothing is not the same as asking them to watch their siblings instead of going to a friend's birthday party)

Basically it comes down to, am I asking for help with the understanding that DD has the ability to say yes or no (meaning, she also understands that she can say "no" without being punished for it), or am I acting entitled to her help?

It's a bit tricky because when it comes to house chores I am entitled to her help, since it's her house too.

But anyway, practically speaking it means, like, asking "dd, would you be able to..." and offering payment for her time (less than I would give a babysitter, but enough that she feels it was worth her time). It means remembering that I could hire a babysitter, like I had to do back when oldest DD was also small.

But as long as you keep in mind that this is a favor she's doing, not something she owes, and as long as that's clear to her, too, it should be OK.

I don't think you need to stress the details too much. As long as you and teenage dd have an overall good relationship, and as long as you keep a line of communication open with her re: how she feels about what you're asking of her, you're not going to go too far wrong.