Why are chasidishe weddings so expensive?

amother

Ginger

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 4:37 am

dankbar wrote:

I never said that it's not self earned. I don't think you are chas vsholom ganvening the money. At end of day someone is paying for that....either parent or child.....thats a whole lot of money. The people are condemning why in chassidishe circles does the girl need to set up house before marriage, which either gets paid by parents or the girls money she earned goes towards the expenses of marrying her off. I believe college is even more expensive.

I never said you shouldn't do it...its a good investment....im just trying to say that every community has different expenses before marriage. Either support or college or setting up home.

Btw many chassidishe moms have to work too to marry off their kids

If they spent the money on an education instead of fancy linens and silver (???) they wouldnt have to work so hard!

amother

Blush

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 5:12 am

amother wrote:

Where do you put the all the silver? Most newlyweds have enough silver that they need a place to store the silver.

Most? Maybe most in your specific circles.
Most people I know got married without any silver, maybe only a pair of candlesticks.

First off - silver is expensive. Not something a newlywed needs.
Second - silver is so impractical. I got rid of any silver I had over the years. Who wants to waste time polishing? No one in my circles under the age of 40 buys silver anymore.

Anyway, your post could almost be satire. The newlyweds need a hutch to put all their silver in. And for this parents go into debt.

southernbubby

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 6:27 am

amother wrote:

Wow! It's mindboggling.im glad that in chbaad there is no such standards for setting g couple up in apt. Couples are expected to figure it out on their own. Ie: buy on kijiji, use wedding gift money... Ect.

Plenty of parents in Chabad pony up for the apartment set up. What I do agree with your post, however, is that each set of mechutanim works it out rather than having a strict community standard. There are some in Chabad who give silver candlesticks and expensive jewelry as well as covering high end linen sets.

happyone

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 7:34 am

asmileaday wrote:

While ideal in theory it can't work in the chassidish world where kids get married at age 18-19 with no prior work experience.

Regarding the idea of couples taking out a gmach loan for their own wedding. How healthy is it to start out your life borrowing money and in debt??? parents should just have brains to do exactly as they can afford and not have preasure to do as the Joneses.

also realize in most cases it's the PARENTS interested in throwing the big bash, not the 18 -20 year olds.

Last edited by happyone on Sun, Dec 23 2018, 7:56 am; edited 1 time in total

southernbubby

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 7:46 am

happyone wrote:

how healthy ia it to start out your life borowig money and in debt??? parents should just have brains to do exactly as they can afford and not have preasure to do as the Joneses.

It reminds me of the saying "when push comes to shove". Eventually, when something stops working, the system changes but the system must still be working well enough that it hasn't been scrapped yet. Kind of like my old car that is running today but who knows what will happen tomorrow. But as long as it's running, I'm going to assume that it's going to work tomorrow.
This system isn't really broken enough to scrap at the moment.

watergirl

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 7:58 am

amother wrote:

The linen was ridiculous. I was talked into it because "everyone" does it. I was with my friend. Between her, the sales lady, and DH, I was swept along.

Where do you put the all the silver? Most newlyweds have enough silver that they need a place to store the silver.

Did the Lakewood special hold up? How are the mattresses?

Most newlyweds have that much silver? This is also individual. When I got married, we had a silver becher and that was it. Same with my friends. But if you REALLY have that much silver that you need a place to store it, the idea that it has to be in a (Italian?!?!) hutch for a newlywed is absurd. If you want it and have the money for it, then thats one thing. To make it a required norm is one of the shtussim that makes me scratch my head. Any closet is good enough to store silver. No need for a hutch.

keym

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 8:03 am

watergirl wrote:

ITA.
This reminds me how when we got married, someone sold us a beautiful 3rd hand dining room set- table with a leaf, 6 chairs, and a breakfront for $200. Of course we grabbed it. And then we spent the day trying to figure out what (besides 2 leichter and a kiddush cup) should we put in the breakfront.
Not that its filled with more silver now. Just now, we have plenty of fake crystal vases and salad bowls that need to be stored there.

watergirl

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 8:11 am

keym wrote:

When I got married, my friends and I all got hand-me-downs for furniture - MAYBE new mattresses. Linen from Linens and Things. China, regular dishes, flatware, stemware, household and kitchen itemscame off of our wedding registries. Only the people from wealthy families registered for real silver. “Front curb specials” furnished most of our homes and we got real when we had the money for it. I’ve said this before - my ex husband wanted to buy real furniture right away so we blew our wedding money on a fancy dining room set and bedroom set and to tell you the truth, I was embarrassed and regretful.

I’m all for “to each their own” as long as its a real choice and never part of a script. Yes, of course many communities world wide have their scripts and this isnt just a “chassidish vs yeshivish vs mo vs jpf” battle. I’m not into scripts and silly norms.

ectomorph

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 9:04 am

amother wrote:

My friend who posts here has been married longer than me and still has all the original pieces. I have replaced the table and couch because we got a good deal on those. (Craigslist)

what silver?? To this day all I own are candlesticks. And a kiddush cup costing 40 dollars. .. Not exactly valuable silver.

The mattresses are excellent amd held up well. You can choose size and hardness.

CatLady

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 9:28 am

Quote:

I’m all for “to each their own” as long as its a real choice and never part of a script. Yes, of course many communities world wide have their scripts and this isnt just a “chassidish vs yeshivish vs mo vs jpf” battle. I’m not into scripts and silly norms.

Ask my Greek, Portuguese and Italian friends at work - they have their own community norms and standards. Not too different from anyone else's, just the details vary.

watergirl

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 9:35 am

CatLady wrote:

Quote:

Ask my Greek, Portuguese and Italian friends at work - they have their own community norms and standards. Not too different from anyone else's, just the details vary.

Thats what I said.

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 9:56 am

I am trying to wrap my head around young people with limited means and earning prospects starting out life with $2200 sheets - what does that consist of.

Is this limited to affluent members of the communities who are gifting their children from almost unlimited funds or are these parents of limited means so that these luxury household items are in lieu of other things which are more practical.

Are the parents of the children being gifted with such have retirement and other savings? Are their homes fully paid for?

Do the people who are gifted with these luxury household items then have incomes that enable them to support the families without government assistance or significant assistance from the community?

Perhaps since I am currently looking for new linens, I am particularly shocked by the "need" for such expensive stuff since there is beautiful moderately priced linens from various places and that price in the real world is not spent by people unless they are wealthy.

I am also shocked by the justification that such expensive furniture is needed by young people. While I don't think that people need to eat off the floor, there is very functional and attractive furniture from sources like IKEA and West Elm - or even - GASP - Craigslist because I suspect the furniture that is being sourced at such high prices is widely out of fashion for most people and is available at bargain basement rates. Ask me how I know :-) - it's because I couldn't GIVE away my mother's furniture - her gorgeous hutches and china cabinets - her large wood table etc.

And justifying the expense by saying that it's in lieu of education is really short sighted - isn't there a famous saying - teach a man to fish and he'll have food for the rest of his life. Use the money for some kind of education so one can earn a decent living - or use the money as a down payment for a home - or use the money in the form of a savings account so that the newlyweds aren't forced to forego necessary and normal expenses of living because they lack any kind of financial safety net.

CatLady

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 9:58 am

I don't think we're the only two people saying this, watergirl. As I write this, Say Yes To The Dress is on TLC, and I'm sure anyone who's watching is dreaming of their own expensive wedding one day. I once read that prom-type dresses don't come in white because they are likely to be used as wedding dresses, which would cost much more. Kudos to anyone who can go against the grain!

Sebastian

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 10:45 am

the lakewood furniture pkg are around 4k now ectomorph. I don't know how long ago you got married.

I think Italian furniture and expensive linen is overkill though. My linen was from bed bath and beyond and marshalls. Maybe 200-300 with sheets, duvet covers pillow cases and down fillings.

Last edited by Sebastian on Sun, Dec 23 2018, 11:19 am; edited 1 time in total

ectomorph

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 10:52 am

Sebastian wrote:

the lakewood furniture pkg are around 4k now ectomorph. I don't know how long again you got married.

I think Italian furniture and expensive linen is overkill though. My linen was from bed bath and beyond and marshalls. Maybe 200-300 with sheets, duvet covers pillow cases and down fillings.

a bit ago. But my sister who is recently married and yeshivish didn't get it. Got everything off Craigslist and second hand for a few hundred total. And she had to rent a moving truck for another few hundred