The first months of aliyah adjustment

amother

Indigo

Wed, Feb 20 2019, 10:33 pm

You have spent months preparing, weeks packing, stressing, dealing with lift and last bits of odds and ends. You get on the plane exhausted- maybe feeling- what am I doing. LOong flight- you try to sleep. You land- singing erupts, you get off the plane, more singing, excitement- then the paperwork. you get all of your things- exhausted.. and then what??
I am trying to picture this process. do you go to a hotel, do you go to the house you have rented that has no furniture? How do you get a round? Have you already bought a car? have you already opened a bank account. Do you sit down on the floor and cry and say- what did I just do??

I know one day soon dh is going to say- we need to move- the writing is on the wall. he wanted to move 6 years ago and I did not. Someone asked him the other day- so when are you making aliyah and dh said ask my wife I moved 6 years ago. It broke my heart.
I am not good with change, do I love where I live- its ok- it has everything I think I need and right now dd is thriving in school.
dh is bitter- overworked, not in a healthy place mentally. Not that living in Israel is going to solve those issues. He is not as connected to frumkeit as he once was- keeping everything, but just not feeling it.

I am at a loss- so I was wondering, those who made aliyah what was it like those first few months. How did you get a handle on all those little things??

Israeli_C

Wed, Feb 20 2019, 11:43 pm

If you already know you really want to move, I hope everyone's already started trying to learn Hebrew, like, yesterday- IMO it's a critical part of integration into Israeli society often overlooked (especially by Americans). Don't count on learning Hebrew in ulpan. In my experience, it was useless.

It's important for you to stress to DH that any problems he's experiencing now will not be solved by aliyah. They will only be exacerbated.

The first thing you do upon making aliyah depends really on your personal situation. I went to a midrasha on a yishuv and lived in a caravan for a few months. But I was 23 years old and single- maybe someone here who made aliyah as a family can advise?

Behazlacha!

amother

Lilac

Wed, Feb 20 2019, 11:57 pm

As to the practicalities - we rented a furnished house and bought a used car almost immediately (though in retrospect, I think we should have leased). If you move to a yishuv or a friendly neighborhood, you will have what you need. People will show up with stuff. If you are sending a lift, you'll only be "camping out" for six weeks or so.

It's best to move someplace where you know someone. If that's not possible, a neighborhood with an olim coordinator is nice. Join the neighborhood email list and Facebook group now to get a sense of things. There's also a nefesh b'nefesh list that you can join once you've signed up with them. They also have a very useful website.

Believe it or not, those first months pass quickly, and soon enough you will be settled. And yes, it's absolutely worth it!

DrMom

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 12:31 am

I don't recommend landing in Israel with no plan for where to live. This is a huge part of aliya preparation -- moreso than packing up your furniture.

If possible, take a pilot trip and check out several communities. The Nefesh b'Nefesh site is an excellent resource, often listing contact info for hospitality coordinators from different communities who can set you up with hosts.

Once you find a community, stay in contact and get a good real estate agent to help organize a rental property so you have someplace ready when you arrive.

Network while you visit. People you meet can help you once you make aliyah.

heidi

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 12:40 am

We rented a house and went straight to the house from the airport. We brought air mattresses in our luggage and had friends supply us with table, chairs and a small fridge. Our lift came about 2 weeks after we landed.
We rented a car for the first month and then bought-- big mistake. We got taken advantage of and should have asked a friend who had been here for longer to help us with the process.
Making aliyah is really really hard.
It doesn't make working easier. It doesn't make your husband frummer.
Please don't think that moving will solve your problems.
It will likely only exacerbate them.

amother

Ruby

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 12:41 am

Maybe I'm a little funny this way, but I would read books that include Aliyah in the plot line. DH will never agree to make Aliyah, unfortunately, but I would have very little anxiety about the process, having read books like "Crossing the Divide" by Rachel Pomerantz.

(The plot line includes a wife who is much less enthusiastic about Aliyah than her husband, the whole adjustment process, and a lot of insights into why Aliyah sometimes doesn't "take.")

essie14

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 1:00 am

I made Aliyah single but I have many many friends who came with children.
1. Take a pilot trip. Research different communities. Preferably register your kids in school before you make Aliyah.
2. You can rent a furnished apartment for a month or two until you get settled. Or you can rent an apartment and borrow mattresses and a mini fridge until you can buy beds and get the apartment furnished.

You will most likely sit on the floor and cry. It’s a little like being postpartum. You’re overjoyed but overwhelmed and your emotions are just all over the place. It’s normal. So normal.

You can rent a car in the beginning and then research if you want to buy a new car or a used car. Or maybe you can get around with citycar (shared car) and public transportation once you’re settled.
3. Nefesh bnefesh gives you a Post Aliyah checklist.
You open a bank account the next day or so. Come with USD that you can change in shekels right away. Also get a CC with no foreign transaction fees that you can use.
You will not sever your life in the US right away. Most people leave some money there and it can take years to transfer all your assets, especially if you own a home.

I’m not addressing the other issues you mentioned but as to the practicalities you asked about, it seems really overwhelming but we all look back at our first 6 months of Aliyah and laugh about it now.

Ideally you will move to a place where you know at least one family. Most communities set up new Olim with a buddy family. This family can help you choose kupat cholim and navigate the medical system. (Much better IMO, you just have to figure out how it all works)
The life in Israel forum here on imamother can help too.

Happy to answer any specific questions any time.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 2:07 am

I agree with the poster who mentioned starting to learn hebrew even now.
Depending on the ages of your children, you really do need to take a pilot trip so that you have some ideas of good schools, communities that you and your children would be happy living in.

I just want to mention though, that you said you dont really want to make aliyah. To me, if someone doesnt want to make aliyah, it will be an even harder adjustment. Take that into account as well. And also realize that the big hype of arriving on a nefesh bnefesh flight is not real life here. Real life is just that, real life, just like anywhere else. And it takes TIME to adjust to this new real life.

I came single, but had found an apartment (does anyone remember a yahoo listserve call apartment hunt or something like that? A looong time ago Smile

) I refused to come to israel without a place to live. I also think that that is very important if you have children, for their stability with such a big move.

essie14

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 2:19 am

amother wrote:

Does no-one start at Ulpan anymore? Certainly for singles I know, that was a brilliant way to begin. You're all in the same boat AND learning Hebrew!

Yes. I loved ulpan etzion and it’s still hugely popular for singles. But I’ve seen that most of my friends who come with young children don’t seem to be able to find the time for ulpan. I agree it’s a great way to meet other new Olim.

Israeli_C

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 4:07 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

And also realize that the big hype of arriving on a nefesh bnefesh flight is not real life here. Real life is just that, real life, just like anywhere else. And it takes TIME to adjust to this new real life.

This!!
It's very important to realise that NBN invests a great deal in PR, and imho it sometimes leaves new olim starry eyed and unrealistic. I think it's great that OP is already looking beyond the whole flag-waving-soldiers-and-kissing-the-runway-tarmac and looking for real information on what starting off really involves

On a sidenote, I found NBN services useless. Ended up completely bypassing them because they were so unhelpful. Not sure if its related to making aliyah from Europe and not the US or Canada, but that's the truth of it

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 5:39 am

As others have said above, make a pilot trip.
I did that before I came to Israel (back then single and in my thirties).
I used my 3 weeks pilot trip to explore where I would live , in my case, an absorption center with an ulpan, but I looked at places to rent as well. I also started the licensing process for my profession. I looked at places to work, as well and did an early job interview just to see how it goes.
Half a year later, I made Alyiah and I found the process actually very smooth, B"H.
During the first year, I used only public transportation, but with kids you might need a car earlier than that.
My first car which I bought after a year was an overpriced, ancient lemon, but well... I think one should expect making wrong decisions here and there, that's just life and not the end of the world.
Another flop: I came with no blankets, wrongly assuming nights to be warm. My first night was freezing. I spent half of my second day in the country running all across town trying to find a blanket shop, with well meaning people sending me here and there. I finally got an impossible purple giant blanket after several hours and I still treasure it as a souvenir from the early days. Today my youngest ds uses it. Always makes me smile to see him vanish in the folds.
What I want to say is, of course things are going to go wrong or weird, just take it with a bit of humor and perspective.
Overall, I didn't find the bureaucracy difficult. It was quite easy, just planning one day for starting a bank account, one day for registering at a health fund, one day to get my documents translated and so on... all straight forward.
Honestly, I don't remember crying at all during my first year, minus one time during the first week because I felt a bit lonely, having made the jump all alone. But for no other reason. My first year in Israel was one of the best times of my life, I was so enthusiastic about everything and things went well.
That was more than 10 years ago.
I'm still here, less starry-eyed, but still going strong.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 9:33 am

I've lived here for almost 4 years. I've cried plenty of times, but never about Israel.

I agree that the one thing I would change, is that I would have learned more Hebrew before the move. I did Ulpan Aleph when I got here, but some advance learning would have made things much easier for me.

There are two things that will make or break you. Parnossa, and your kids. If you can make a decent living wage, you will be miles ahead of most olim. The age of your kids is something that cannot be emphasized enough. The younger the better.

Everyone warned me that coming here with a 12yo would be a big mistake, but I didn't listen. I thought I had prepared DD for everything. She did not pick up Hebrew very fast, and the teachers had NO patience for her. She ended up dropping out of school, and now lives in the US with her dad so she can finish high school. She has no intention of moving back.

The bottom line, is that until Moshiach gets here (soon and in our days!), Israel will be a lot like everywhere else in the world, half good and half bad. Your success depends on which side you will focus your energy on.

Whenever I feel down, all I have to do is look out my window. I'm surrounded by my people, blue skies, sandy colored buildings that turn gold at sunset, sweeping views of rolling hills, the Shabbos siren on Friday afternoons, knowing that I can buy anything at the grocery store without worrying about kashrut, so many beautiful things! I feel incredibly blessed to be here.

Israelis are a funny bunch. You have to understand the culture, and not take things too much to heart. The person who knocks you down because they are in a hurry, will be the same one who picks you up, takes you inside, feeds you and serves you tea. Then they will insist that you come to them for a meal next Shabbos. If you are single, they have someone they want you to meet.

It's true that we are all one big family. Sometimes dysfunctional, sometimes well meaning but clueless. Every family seems to have that uncle that drinks a bit too much at Purim and dances around with a lampshade on his head, but it's all in good fun.

There is so much love here, it's hard to feel alone.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Feb 21 2019, 8:33 pm

Thank you all so much for your honesty. DH has always felt that we have Israel and that is where we should be. I don't disagree conceptually, but reality is a different thing. Thank you for the advice on the "not a great idea to move with a teenager."
And yep- moving to Israel will not really solve the issues dh is having on a religious level- except the aveera of Israel may help. The rest of it is escapism - quit everything and run away to Israel and start fresh. and they all lived happily every after- until you realize you have bills to pay etc. etc.
I truly admire those who have made aliyah- the whole concept is overwhelming to me, when you break down each step of all the things that need to get done.
a few years ago I thought the time was right and then I just stopped the whole process- I totally freaked out to the point where I could not get out of bed.
I guess there is still the guilt I feel ... I hope one day the timing will be right for me mentally, physically and emotionally.