Is it chutzpah... | Imamother

FranticFrummie

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 1:03 am

A family of 5 is different than a single person.

Was the post that upset you directed at you personally, or at the community in general?

I'm in a tough spot for Pesach this year. I've been invited to friends in Jerusalem, but we're having trouble coordinating a place for me to stay that is within walking distance. My chronic fatigue has been flaring up really badly lately.

If Jerusalem falls through, I'm looking for someone local to host me, but again, it has to be walking distance, or a place to sleep overnight.

At first I was sure that you were talking about me, because I posted this on FB last night:

"Is anyone hosting a seder in Aleph for singles? I may be at loose ends, and I'm looking for a place. I really don't want to be alone. Preferably walking distance around Dolev. Thanks!"

I hope that wasn't chutzpadik of me.

simba

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 1:19 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

You’re welcome to join my Sedarim in Brooklyn! Oh how I wish I was in Israel, you would be welcome there as well.

Hope your Pesach works out beautifully.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 1:30 am

When I lived in the US, we always had a seder for people new to the community, singles and divorcees, new converts, and anyone else who didn't have much family. We were a lovely mix of oddballs, and we always had a great time.

I don't have the strength to host these days, or else I'd gladly do it again. I love cooking and hosting, and it kills me that my health won't let me do that anymore.

amother

Violet

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 7:56 am

OP this hurts a bit.
I am a single mom with one kid (toddler) and I was not invited for one meal including sedarim. I am going to do my best to put on a fun seder for my 2year old. Just the 2 of us.
As much as I put on a brave face and talk about how exciting it's going to be, I am a bit heartbroken that we won't be with a family for Pesach.

mommy3b2c

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 8:04 am

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

Where are you located?

amother

Pumpkin

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 8:05 am

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

Oy this hurts to read. I'm going away for pesach but if I was hosting I would love to have you and your cutie.

watergirl

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 8:14 am

This thread is a classic example of when OP didn't include all of the information in her first post, and that bit would have changed all of the replies drastically.

These singles are a group of 5 who are cohesive enough to form a group and look for a meal for shabbos hagadol together. They are not looking for Pesach invitations. They, as a group, want to be hosted by someone this week, which I would think is one of the hardest weeks of the year to cook, much less host. I hear OP. If they are cohesive enough of a group to look for a meal as a group, then in theory they should be cohesive enough to make a potluck for themselves.

OP is not a selfish nasty person. This facebook post rubbed her the wrong way. I've had this feeling also, but in a different way. There are a few families who call me from time to time pretty last minute and tell me that they just stam dont feel like cooking and can they come to us. Could be that its a money issue, could be that they truly dont feel like cooking - there is no way to read minds and know the real intention. One particular woman posts this quite often for her whole family, and she is actually pretty socially off, I know her pretty well, so in her case I think its that she honestly wants a week off.

We host singles and families often enough that people know that we have an open door, but I still invite so people know they have meals covered and also so they feel thought of instead of feeling like someone is doing them a favor. But I really dont think this is the case with what OP is talking about.

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 9:12 am

I don't get why people let themselves get so annoyed by these public requests. Unless you were called up or PMed personally and put on the spot, who cares? People ask for all kind of over the top favors, but somehow nobody goes on a rant targeting, say, working mothers as a whole because 1 specific one asked you to pick their kid up at the bus every day instead of making their own arrangements.
Just ignore it and move on.

seeker

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 9:19 am

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

The first year that I was alone for Pesach I was so sad and stressed that no one invited me. Eventually I let myself be convinced to reach out and ask someone I like if I could join their family. They seemed so genuinely happy that I asked, it was such a relief, and so much better than having the Seder alone! After that I think it really is true that some people are just shy or distracted to ask but that doesn't mean you're unwanted, maybe they just assume you're somewhere else... Please don't be alone!

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 9:52 am

watergirl wrote:

...These singles are a group of 5 who are cohesive enough to form a group and look for a meal for shabbos hagadol together. They are not looking for Pesach invitations. They, as a group, want to be hosted by someone this week, which I would think is one of the hardest weeks of the year to cook, much less host. I hear OP. If they are cohesive enough of a group to look for a meal as a group, then in theory they should be cohesive enough to make a potluck for themselves...

This.

(And to fend off the anticipated criticism - yes, I've been a single adult.)

amother

Pink

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 10:50 am

Yup. Asking for a group of 5 people on Thursday for Shabbos hagadol is chutzpah. It’s a hard Shabbos in general. It’s the one Shabbos a year we eat at our kitchen island because the dining room is kosher for pesach. I’ve literally thrown together whatever is in the freezer. My kids are upset there is no dessert but I will cut up some fruit.
I host literally every single week. I can have between 5-30 guests my husband often brings home extras people call and ask us if they can come and I never host on Shabbos hagadol. I just can’t do it. I guess if you are going away that’s fine. But it is a hectic time of year and it’s not like a seder where people should be in a family environment.

amother

Turquoise

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 11:20 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you all for refocusing me..
the post was sent out tonight and it was for tomorrow not for pesach. I think it was the way it was worded, like we know you are all busy, but we don't feel like cooking this shabbos, please invite us, that threw me off and not the need itself.
Of course after I hit post I realized I was more annoyed at myself than at them because I feel guilty not inviting them (its not just one person, but a group of 5) but I really just want a quiet shabbat, but its a mitzvah, but I want a quiet shabbat, but I should do a nice thing, but I want a quiet shabbat etc.....

I was single until I was 31. Oftentimes I asked families if I could join for shabbos. There weren't lots of singles and honestly in our one room appartments it's really not a nice atmosphere.
Maybe you can invite one or 2 of them. You don't have to invite all 5! Also I'm sure they would help. Besides sometimes people say: you can join for Seder, please bring wine and matza, and that's okay.
But trust me it's much nicer to celebrate in a family atmosphere than with a bunch of singles. At least in my opinion. I was always thankful for invites and I always helped out (came a couples hours beforehand and helped with the kids or in the kitchen).

If it's dafka for this shabbos and they don't wanna split up and you can't handle it this shabbos then don't feel bad about it. If you want you could pm them and invite them for a regular shabbos. They will survive this Shabbos even without an invite Smile

LiLIsraeli

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 11:49 am

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

I would like to invite you and your child for the first days. I have room for you to stay. Please PM me.

sarahmalka

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 1:19 pm

watergirl wrote:

watergirl I totally agree!
OP you should amend your original post that they were asking as a group of 5 and for THIS Shabbos.

Raisin

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 1:31 pm

I don't see what the big deal is about hosting this shabbos. this year is so perfect! 1 whole week before pesach. (I am hosting a ton of people on pesach btw.) I will clean and kasher motzei shabbos and sunday, start cooking monday. 5 days should be plenty of time to cook. I can see the situation might be different for working mothers, people without cleaning help etc. In that case, don't invite 5 guests this week.

Also I cleaned out my freezers and discovered a lot of frozen kugels that need to be used up to make space for pesach food. Also challos (which I gave away because I like fresh challah).

It does sound like that post was worded a bit oddly. I noticed there are certain social media users who are always asking for favours.

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 2:08 pm

Raisin wrote:

I always turn over the kitchen the Saturday night and Sunday before Pesach. The problem with hosting this week isn't about cooking for yom tov, which I'm not planning to do until Friday anyway - it's about getting ready to kasher. I don't want *any* leftovers or a lot of cleaning up to do after Shabbat. I don't have a freezer full of kugels - I've been using up everything, chametz or not - over the past month. We are having what is for us a decent-enough Shabbat meal, but it would be very skimpy for guests and I'm not buying anything today that can't be finished right away, whether ingredients or prepared foods. And having guests means more laundry, more washing up and putting away...Nope.

BetsyTacy

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 3:12 pm

I was thinking about this thread as I was working on pieces of my refrigerator today. I always wash the pieces over the bathtub and I was thinking that while at the end of Pesach cleaning, things look great, the middle of the process is definitely not pretty. Regular cleaning gets pushed aside to make time and headspace for Pesach cleaning. I agree that I would not want extra cleaning or laundry this weekend. Maybe those people were looking to join in a meal with people going away who sell real chometz.