S/O from dh getting texts...

amother

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 10:11 am

So I've been reading many threads about husbands texts etc.... My issue is...
I don't even have access to read his texts or anything on his phone... He has a lock code and I have no idea what it is. I never have access to his phone. Starting to get concerned if maybe it's not normal to be so locked out from spouses phones. My phone is also strictly by me.. He doesn't have my access pin. Is this something to be concerned about?

On the other hand, if I do mention something about seeing his messages, it might throw subtle trusting messages...

What's the right way? Is it that bad to not have access at all. When do u guys look through their phones? Confused

Editing to say, have no idea why it changed to weight loss... Omg I selected ahokum bayis. How do I change it?

amother

Violet

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 10:52 am

I don't get why people feel entitled to have access to their spouses phone, and would just go through their DH messages without him knowing. Why would one snoop around like that? It means you have trust issues. I know DH passcoad, but I never have reason to just go through his phone. I don't mind if DH uses my phone, but I would be very upset if he would just go through my messages without me knowing. And I bh have nothing to hide. It's just not a mentchlich or respectful thing to do.

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 11:21 am

I don't believe spouses should be going through each other's phones/emails to snoop or need to update the other with every pin or password.

But when it comes up naturally, there should be no hiding. So if he wants to borrow your phone to make a phone call- here it is. If you need to check something on his computer- here you go.

For example, I don't know dh's email password, but it is saved on my computer. I recently had to check on something he bought under his account a few years ago and I had no problem accessing his email. But I never regularly check it and I would consider it a breach of privacy to do that to him or vice versa.

amother

Orchid

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 11:25 am

Do you have reason to be suspicious?
I don't typically go into my husband's phone, and I don't without being asked to/permission (he is driving and I need to look something up, my phone is dead from spending too much time on imamother, and I need to check something or text someone). I know his code because he has given it to me to get into his phone, and it is also the same code for everything.
People should have trust and mutual respect. If you question that, and have a reason to, by all means do what you need to do to protect yourself.
Just remember, just because something happens to someone it does not mean it will happen to you AND remember, people are typically vocal and passionate when they have been burned or something to say. (There are those of us too who just need to speak constantly). There are hundreds of people saying nothing. Don't let other's problems get in your head and make you paranoid.

amother

Khaki

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 11:26 am

I find it weird if spouses go through eachothers phones. You need to trust your husband.
That being said, I know my husband's code because sometimes we only take one of our phones and if something happens I want to be able to make calls to our families. He has the code so the kids don't use his phone. I don't have a code and I don't mind him taking my phone for calls because I don't have anything or hide. But I'd find it weird if he opened my texts and read them. That's just strange.

amother

Beige

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 11:27 am

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

Sometimes people have a reason to not trust their husband. At one point my husband started staying out late and giving vague excuses. You bet I checked his texts. I never did before that but at that point I did. B"H it doesn't seem like anything was going on and I'll probably never know for sure.

If you don't want your wife to have "trust issues" then you can't be vague about where you are when you supposed to be home.

amother

Violet

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 11:33 am

Amother beige, it's still not a reason to go through his phone. Talk about it, ask him what's going on. Don't just go through his phone. If he finds out you did it, he will feel degraded and he won't trust you with anything.
I wouldn't even go through my child's without them knowing, it's just not respectful.

amother

Aubergine

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 11:36 am

Im coming from a different perspective; my husband doesnt have whatsapp, I do. I am on a lot of family chats from both sides of the family, and I see family news on the chats. He checks the family chats on my phone at night to see what news there was.he diesnt want to get whatsapp and be involved in too much meaningless chats, so this works out for both of us. I dont always tell him whats going on, because other things come up in convo. And it works for both of us. My husband also keeps long hours. Once inawhile, when he comes home tired after a long day, I will go on his phone( and he is ok witg it ) to see what he texted that day, cuz it has happened that after a long day, he foegot 2 tell me thibgs( meeting up witg a friend, news on something else..)
We are both fine with it. I do have a few private chats, so I will tell him, if you go thru my phone, pls dont look at that chat, and he is respectful. If I ever have something really private that I dont want him 2 know about, I delete it from my phone. Then again, I do beleive if u have something u dont wany anyone to see on your phone, dont leave it there because you never know what might accidentaly get sent out.
This arrangement works for us well. This might not work for everyone, but for us, its perfect

bel

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 11:48 am

Exactly like the another above wrote.I go on my husbands phone when I am bored and want to know if anything interesting happened. He is on more chats then me.My husband works long hours and forgets sometimes to tell me news .I ask him for his phone and tell him what I am doing.

amother

Chocolate

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 11:58 am

This just reminded me of a conversation I had with my husband before we were married, when we were not frum and living together. Somehow this topic came up, and I told him that I didn't have any interest in checking his phone or computer.

But I told him that if that ever changed, and something happened to make me suspicious, I would absolutely snoop into everything I could get my hands on. He just chuckled and said "I know you would," and that was that.

little neshamala

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 12:03 pm

We always look on each others phones. NOT in a way of checking up on each other like "hmmm lets see what youve been up to..." but more like a way of chilling, like, "im bored, lets see if theres something interesting on his phone"

I should add that there is so much that happens to each of us each day, that we want to fill each other in on, whether to do with work, family etc, and its often easier for us to have each other look through the messages and stuff to be brought up to date. We're the type that communicates a lot, and basically like filling each other in/venting on everyhing thats going on in our lives, so this works really well. So its like "hey, I see the tree cutting guy got back to you! Did he give a quote in the end?" Or "oh gosh why did your mother call 3 times in a row" or "oh esti answered about watching the kids erev tom tov! Awesome! Looks like u didnt answer her text, im gonna text Thank You from your phone,ok?"

I SHOULD ALSO ADD that we ask each other before reading certain things, like he wont just read a conversation with my friend. We tell each other if somethings more private in nature, and we ask "ok if I read this, whats this?"

And last but not least, I found it interesting that our Rosh Yeshiva mentioned in a speech that its a healthy thing for shalom bayis to be ok with your spouse to chill with your phone. "Therea absolutely no reason that I can think of to hide things from each other".

Looks like im in the minority with this, but I really dont think its so weird...

amother

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 12:36 pm

This makes me feel much more at ease.... But still confused. Why don't we have each other's passwords? And I dont feel comfortable even asking him for his phone to check how his day was..

This week we barely got to talk, I have no idea how his week was or he mine. But it wouldn't dawn on me to check his phone. Maybyits too e extreme?

little neshamala

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 12:44 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Honestly, if its not a normal thing in your marriage to look through each others phones, then just starting and looking would probably make him feel violated.
That does feel extreme...

Why dont you talk about it with him? How's your communication in general?

ohmygosh

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 12:49 pm

I don't think it's normal to keep your phone password a SECRET from your spouse.

This does not mean that you're checking on his chats all day. I don't sit there and go through my husband's chats etc. But you bet I know his phone password and he knows mine. Why? Sometimes his phone is more conveniently located and I want to look up something online. Maybe I need a phone number from there. Etc. No specific reason.

But to me, spouses hiding anything from each other is no good.