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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 5:24 pm
On the 2nd days I am having over a relative who has all sort of food issues. Not allergies, not sensitivities, just things she doesn't like and is vocal about. LOTS of them. The last time I had her over she only ate one thing I had made . It made things really uncomfortable because she doesn't just not eat the food item, she has to talk about it and why she doesn't like it, ad nausieum. Trying to change the subject doesn't work. Often this is a food item that my family rarely gets to eat and is a yom tov treat for us (roast, mangos, blueberries, wild rice, hearts of palm....., and her talking on and on about why she doesn't like the item that we may have looked forward to really affects our enjoyment. I have asked her twice this time around if she could tell me some things she DOES eat, but she is ignoring it. DDS literally are dreading her coming.
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amother




Scarlet


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 5:28 pm
Buy a good pair of earplugs. Don't fret if she doesn't eat for 2 days...By now, you know that she will be "chewing off your ear" , so be prepared to just nod and ignore...

Good luck!!! (hope she is not related to you! lol)
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amother




Oak


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 5:32 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
On the 2nd days I am having over a relative who has all sort of food issues. Not allergies, not sensitivities, just things she doesn't like and is vocal about. LOTS of them. The last time I had her over she only ate one thing I had made . It made things really uncomfortable because she doesn't just not eat the food item, she has to talk about it and why she doesn't like it, ad nausieum. Trying to change the subject doesn't work. Often this is a food item that my family rarely gets to eat and is a yom tov treat for us (roast, mangos, blueberries, wild rice, hearts of alm....., and her talking on and on about why she doesn't like the item that we may have looked forward to really affects our enjoyment. I have asked her twice this time around if she could tell me some things she DOES eat, but she is ignoring it. DDS literally are dreading her coming.


Perfect solution : quote her the concept from the Torah that it’s a sin to make a bizayon (shame) any food, which is a bracha from Hashem to us.
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amother




Wine


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 5:33 pm
She sounds socially off. Not much you can do, except to try to ignore or change the subject when possible....
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 5:34 pm
amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:
(hope she is not related to you! lol)


She is!! Sigh.

I hate to torture myself or DD, but not a lot of folks like her and I know that, for example she had the sedorim alone. I would try to talk to her about her behavior, so maybe others might invite her, but she is the type who NEVER listens.

I just feel badly torturing my DD, whose life is, frankly, hard enough.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 5:37 pm
amother [ Wine ] wrote:
She sounds socially off..


And that too.

But that's why she needs the invitation.
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amother




Purple


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 5:39 pm
Ask her to bring her own food.
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MiracleMama




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 5:43 pm
You reached out to her to try and accommodate her likes. She ignored you. Oh well. You did the right thing. And there is nothing more to do. If changing the subject doesn't work, maybe just start singing.
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studying_torah




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 5:43 pm
Then why have her? Sounds like your dd will be better off without her there (& perhaps your dd's needs come first).

If you have to host her, then tell her to bring a tin of food she likes so she will not be hungry. (Note I said tell, don't ask. )

I'm sorry about her ruining the enjoyment of the special foods, that is very unpleasant.
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amother




Mustard


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 7:37 pm
You are describing my daughters future.
She is argumentative to the extreme She has been in therapy for years but I see her future like you describe.
I am so sad since I don’t know what to do to help her ;(
She has very little friends and those that she does have she talks over them and I see them till their eyes at her.
Oy you made me feel sad.
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mirror




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 7:40 pm
This guest has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This is why your guest is both picky about food and insists on talking about it endlessly. You need to lay down rules for your guest. Tell her no one is forcing her to eat anything, but if she talks about it then you won't invite her back. You don't have to suffer because of her mental illness.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 7:45 pm
amother [ Mustard ] wrote:
You are describing my daughters future.
She is argumentative to the extreme She has been in therapy for years but I see her future like you describe.
I am so sad since I don’t know what to do to help her ;(
She has very little friends and those that she does have she talks over them and I see them till their eyes at her.
Oy you made me feel sad.

I am so sorry. I didn't mean to make you sad. I am no therapist but it seems to me that this would be possible to overcome, with work, if your daughter understands what is at stake. This relative of mine won"t listen and blame's others . If your daughter is young there is still hope. I hope so.
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amother




Mustard


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 8:21 pm
Unfortunately she is too old and does not want to make changes ! Over Yom Tov I realized how bad it was when we had guests over.


amother [ OP ] wrote:
I am so sorry. I didn't mean to make you sad. I am no therapist but it seems to me that this would be possible to overcome, with work, if your daughter understands what is at stake. This relative of mine won"t listen and blame's others . If your daughter is young there is still hope. I hope so.
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mirror




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 9:26 pm
amother [ Mustard ] wrote:
Unfortunately she is too old and does not want to make changes ! Over Yom Tov I realized how bad it was when we had guests over.


She could never change even when she was younger because she suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Basically her mind is going in circles so she can't focus on anything else. However, she can still be instructed to keep quiet. Speak to her before each meal and have someone sit directly in front of her and have designated person his finger over his mouth whenever she starts to talk. If she starts to talk, pull her aside and remind her that it's inappropriate.
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mirror




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 22 2019, 9:29 pm
amother [ Mustard ] wrote:
You are describing my daughters future.
She is argumentative to the extreme She has been in therapy for years but I see her future like you describe.
I am so sad since I don’t know what to do to help her ;(
She has very little friends and those that she does have she talks over them and I see them till their eyes at her.
Oy you made me feel sad.


It sounds like her therapist is worthless. Find her a therapist who specializes in Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Many therapists are worthless.
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amother




Coral


Post  Tue, Apr 23 2019, 12:44 am
mirror wrote:
It sounds like her therapist is worthless. Find her a therapist who specializes in Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Many therapists are worthless.


There is also medication for it.
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rdmom




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 23 2019, 12:53 am
When she starts going on and on about not liking food just tell her what my 6 year old says.
You don’t say you don’t like Hashem’s food. Just say it’s not my taste. This is out of he mouth of a 6 year old. Should shut her right up.
Or better yet. Have a 6 year old say it
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LiLIsraeli




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 23 2019, 1:21 am
mirror wrote:
It sounds like her therapist is worthless. Find her a therapist who specializes in Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Many therapists are worthless.


What makes you think OCD?
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LittleDucky




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 23 2019, 2:21 am
It may not be OCD. I don't believe in arm-chair diagnosing unless you know the person. Online diagnosing won't help as the OP won't exactly be able to say "hey older relative of mine, here is the number of a good psychiatrist. Ask her about possible medications including ABC. I heard that So and So is a great therapist. And here is a social skills group to attend." If OP was asking about advice for her under-18 daughter whose medical care she makes decisions about it would be a different conversation.
Instead of focusing on the diagnoses, I would try to think of ideas in advance about ways to problem solve possible issues that may arise. Like one poster mentioned, have her bring her own food. Or maybe repeatedly remind her to give a list of ingredients/foods she will eat so that there are plenty of options available for her. If she does not give that list and/or continues to complain, remind her each time "Oh I wish I had known that you don't like it. Next time give me a list like I had asked so I can have food you enjoy to eat." or "here are the foods you told me you like. I saw those red peppers you said you liked at the store- don't they look delicious? I was so glad I had a reason to buy them! I hope you enjoy it". Repeat.
Also, come up with possible topic maneuvers to make it through the sticky parts. Not just zemiros but think of quick divrei torah to say, "I just heard the funniest story. A friend told me that...." or some other topic that steers the table conversation away from food. Have your cute kid sing the mah nishtana. Or come up with a puzzle like "lets think of all the 4's in Tanach/Halacha..." Keep doing it and maybe she will get the idea. Or if not, at least the whole meal is not her repeating her gripes about your probably delicious meal.


Besides.... there are a number of different reasons for someone acting that way. Could be ASD, an anxiety issue or another diagnosis. Or maybe, she might just be awkward and rude. Not everything is a diagnosis.
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Ruchel




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 23 2019, 6:30 am
"Ha, oy. This is what there is"
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