‘Just wait till you have kids’

amother

Thu, May 02 2019, 8:01 pm

Just a friendly PSA that chances are, this is never polite to say to someone. This was said to me at least 3 times when I mentioned to people how stressed I was by Pesach cleaning. It was incredibly invalidating to me, especially as it was my first time making pesach and being away from my family. I’m dealing with other challenges in my life, so trust me I didn’t find Pesach cleaning to be easy. Not to mention what if I Gd forbid had fertility issues?

Didn’t think this had to be said but apparently it does...

amother

Ivory

Thu, May 02 2019, 8:42 pm

Honestly, I laugh at these comments. I'm someone who has been infertile for many years and whose doctors are out of ideas.
They hurt a lot but sometimes laughing with my husband is the only way to deal with it. People need to think before speaking, but unfortunately they don't.

It's also sometimes a reminder that I should be sensitive about what I say to other ppl who are dealing with other issues.

amother

Ecru

Thu, May 02 2019, 9:46 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OP, I understand you and I don't mean to upset you in any way, but I do want to present another perspective.

Is there nothing that can be just casually mentioned anymore? Everyone can be offended by something, cause no one truly knows what's going on in someone's life. People voicing their experience to you and give you 'advice' based on it, is just a normal part of life. What was so wrong with it? This person wasn't responding to a painful situation in life. She was responding to a situation that we all go through - cleaning for Pesach. And all she told you in these words, was what happened to her (and what happens to everyone). That we think we have it hard when we start out, but it gets much harder when kids are underfoot. Are people going to have weigh every word that comes out of their mouth, based on a remote possibility that it may trigger something in someone?

If the person would have knowledge of this trigger in you, or have knowledge of the painful situation you're going through, then that changes my viewpoint entirely. But when people have no idea, and they just respond with a lighthearted, totally innocent and acceptable comment, what are they doing wrong?

mommy3b2c

Thu, May 02 2019, 10:13 pm

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

I am not the pc police. I don’t do trigger warnings. And I do not get offended easily. But when someone’s venting to you, it is ALWAYS the wrong response to tell them that they can have it worse. Especially when we’re talking about something like having children. It’s very well known that a lot of people suffer from infertility:

amother

Gold

Thu, May 02 2019, 10:14 pm

And honestly it is harder with kids. Sorry.
Imagine having the hardships like you're currently having plus making pessach and add in kids.
It's just that much more complicated & difficult.
Imagine having a chronic illness plus a spouse with cancer, no family support plus a bundle of kids- vs same situation with no kids who need time attention & care thru a hard time.
Which is harder?

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, May 02 2019, 10:31 pm

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

But why in the world is that necessary to say, when someone’s venting about their current stress??

amother

Ecru

Thu, May 02 2019, 10:31 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Of course, it's always better to validate someone's feelings. But are we always on top of our game, don't we all sometimes just comment back and forth and lament about situations, especially during casual, quick conversations.? It's just being human

Based on her post, I think OP hasn't been married too long. If there were fertility issues here, there's a good chance it's just very new. If it would have been a number of years gone by, I doubt that she would have received multiple comments of "just wait till you have kids".

No one is perfect, and almost no one weighs every word that comes out of their mouths. And unless a person utters inconsiderate responses to a known situation, hasn't he or she just been totally normal? How many innocent comment have we all uttered that unknowingly caused pain to someone. When an issue is held private, there's a trade-off. It's privacy vs normal aspects of life becoming a trigger for you. And to expect everyone in the world to suddenly possess the amazing quality of having proper responses on their tips of the tongue is not realistic.

amother

Ecru

Thu, May 02 2019, 10:42 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

But why in the world is that necessary to say, when someone’s venting about their current stress??

It's the way of the world where the older or more experienced person responds in that fashion. When an elementary kid complains how hard homework is, isn't it common for a older sibling to respond with "hey, just wait until high school.". And don't we all sometimes tell moms with young kids "small kids, small worries. Big kids, big worries.". Or how about the expression - just wait till you get to the big leagues.

I'm not saying it's the best response. It would be wonderful if we can always have that perfect, soothing and appropriate comment to respond with. But that's impossible to expect from all of society. So as long as people are acting as people, and not doing anything explicitly wrong, it's not something that is an issue. Can we really expect everyone to tiptoe around everyone, on the slight-chance there's an issue somewhere?

Perhaps - if we'd all have mastered the art of perfection of our middos, personality and speech.

I, for one, am very far from being close to that.

singleagain

Thu, May 02 2019, 10:49 pm

Ecru... your right that ppl aren't perfect. But maybe these reminders that slips of the tongue can be hurtful will help ppl to remember to mind their words more and then in the future no one would think to say things like this

Regardless... It's not fair to compare challenges... Just see the thread about everyone having them.

amother

Thu, May 02 2019, 11:01 pm

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

But here’s my point- what does that matter? When I’m experiencing a challenge, it’s my own challenge and it doesn’t make me feel better to be told that it’s not such a big deal. I somehow doubt you’d be okay with someone minimizing your struggles that way.

tichellady

Thu, May 02 2019, 11:04 pm

It’s not right to compare challenges but for the record I found pesach a lot harder when wanting to have a child and not being able to then with a baby ( who was up for much of both Seder nights). The emotional hardship was way harder than the physical difficulty of pesach ( and of course other people are entitled to other experiences)

amother

Pink

Thu, May 02 2019, 11:16 pm

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

Nobody is saying we have to be so careful and walk on eggshells and worry that a random comment about grass being green is going to trigger someone who, unbeknownst to us, was hit by a green car years ago and now gets upset talking about anything green. In fact, if you read through the thousands of threads here about Upsetting Insensitive Comments, they actually are all pretty much the same. It comes down to don't be nosy and don't be condescending. It's really not that hard.

amother

Ecru

Thu, May 02 2019, 11:29 pm

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

But that's the point. How is "Just wait till you have kids" nosy and condescending.? The only thing I can see it as being is not validating.

If it would be known that the OP has infertility issues, then I can see it. But otherwise, how is any different than responding "small kids, small worries - big kids, big worries"?

amother

Vermilion

Thu, May 02 2019, 11:29 pm

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

No. I don't do that - for exactly this reason.
If you're 6 years old and you're embarrassed because you don't know how to tie your shoes, you're entitled to see that as a crisis. And no "real" crisis should be able to take that away from you.